a place for passing thoughts
2025-05-05 8:00pm
I’ve started listening to the sound of my car’s engine. it’s quite lovely
2025-05-01 3:30pm
feeling some hardcore sonder as I sell all my weird possessions to a bunch of weirdos (lovingly)
2025-04-26 3:30pm
randomly felt bad for the last 6 hours. not sure why. probably had something to do with the doomscrolling
2025-04-26 9:30am
dreamt I was at work
working on an imaginary bug
It was an old bug and I was making novel discoveries about it
my dream self had a very detailed understanding of the bug and was very pleased with himself
woke up feeling excited to go to work
but it’s saturday…
the thing is, the dream is pretty much spot on
These days I just go in and figure out old bugs
I am excited to go in every day
I really love the feeling of figuring it out
I am the computer doctor
send me your sick computer
I’ll fix em right up
2025-04-24 10:00am
you know how some people emanate an aura of calm
I went to the bank to do bank things and the teller was extraordinarily chill
I was trying to be professional and focused, but as I listened to the words coming out of my mouth they felt robotic and stiff
especially compared to the person helping me
I wasn’t feeling particularly anxious but I think I came off that way
maybe everyone can see that I’m anxious
except for myself. I don’t realize it until I open my mouth
I’d like to see myself be more chill
what might that look like?
2025-04-22 10:00pm
thinking about the passage of time
someday a child will ask me how people learned things without ChatGPT 9000-z teaching it to them
“kiddo, if you wanted to know something, you had to know how to look for it”
who am I kidding I don’t even remember how to use the library anymore
2025-04-19 10:30am
went to the pool
still not very good at swimming
feeling woozy after, probably from not enough oxygen
2025-04-18 1:30pm
friday
it’s quiet at the office
sunlight streams through the window
my work is largely done
peaceful
2025-04-16 11:00pm
there is so much more to computers than software engineering under capitalism and it is painful to endure this perversion day in and day out
2025-04-11 3:00pm
cried in therapy recounting the things I’m grateful for. this is significant
2025-04-06 1:30am
heard an older person use the word "doge" as a verb the other day. strange times we live in
2025-04-05 9:00pm
went to a high school reunion
all ages, not just my graduating class
met people at all stages in life
younger and single
middle-aged with kids
older and single
working
non-working
never having met directly, but
bonded by our shared experience attending a strange school
2025-04-01 7:30pm
first spring pickup frisbee with folks from the office
the sun was shining
a light breeze
a snarl of defenders on the disc
I’m open
the disc sails to open ground
my mind clears
I run
I jump
the disc settles into my outstretched hands
everything is gonna be alright
2025-03-28 8:00pm
for some reason over the past week a few people noticed a small video game prototype I made 5 years ago. they liked it. I'd been putting off returning to the idea but this might be the kick in the butt I needed to finally do it...
where have I been for the last 5 years, you ask? well, I've been busy... half-assedly advancing my career that -- let's be honest -- I never cared about to begin with. because it was the safe, correct thing to do. when am I gonna whole-ass something?
2025-03-28 8:00am
learning to swim has been a good reminder that as adult humans, we exhibit learned and instinctual behaviors that can be counterproductive to success
example: when I start feeling short of breath, I start swimming faster so I can reach the other side sooner. this obviously makes me breathe even harder, resulting in eventual overload and shutdown. swimming slower means sitting with the feeling of danger, which I eventually come to realize is completely safe and within my control as long as I stay calm and focused
example: good freestyle form involves lowering the head so it is completely submerged and the neck is neutral. this is counterintuitive in 2 ways; you aren’t looking where you’re going, and you feel like you’re drowning yourself. for these reasons, you will naturally want to crane your neck so you can (a) see and (b) breath intuitively. raising your head is the worst thing you can do in freestyle though, because it causes your body to sink, thereby increasing drag, and also causes neck strain.
what’s more… I am reminded that the complete helplessness I feel is in fact the result of behaviors which (a) are completely natural, and (b) can be remediated with coaching and focused, deliberate practice
2025-03-27 6:30pm
every day I look forward
to coming home to my plants
I notice every tiny little change
every millimeter, every degree of tilt
every slight tint, every bit of wilt
“oh, how lively you are!
you like the sun, don’t you?”
In my mind, I cheer them on
I aspire to take such unadulterated pleasure
in living
2025-03-24 9:30am
I shall become a morning person!
2025-03-19 12:00pm
diary of a serial quitter
2025-03-16 10:30pm
aquarium (1996) by excellent system
(released in japan only)
used the venerable jailed block mechanic
to add complexity to the chaining
making it hard to intuit at a glance what exactly will happen
watched look back yesterday
it asks, why do we make art?
in the end it's because it affects people
and through art we are connected
I want to draw more
after two weeks of patiently waiting,
my pepper plant seeds have sprouted
each one with a slim but sturdy stem
and two little leaves, like arms defiantly outstretched
and they are looking ready
to grow big and strong for papa :')
2025-03-13 9:00pm
feeling stronger today but still coughing occasionally
2025-03-11 11:30pm
sick
came home early from work and took a nap
wondering whether I should quit my job
skipped swim lesson because sick
rediscovered drawing recently
what would I do after I quit
I forgot that I like to draw
should I still try for triathlon if I'm unemployed?
parents visiting this summer
they think I should buy a house
brother visiting this spring
we're going to my favorite restaurant
I feel like work is getting better
maybe I should see it through
2025-03-10 11:00pm
productive day at work. somehow being sleep deprived made me better able to focus. maybe it limited my brain function just enough to avoid distracting myself
had a good talk with my manager. he gave me positive feedback for what feels like the first time ever. made me feel good about work for the first time in a long time. I’m tryna quit why you makin this hard
2025-03-09 11:30am
had hiccups throughout the night. weird
2025-03-06 10:00pm
friend visited from out of town. feel rejuvenated after hanging out, sharing good food, and catching up
2025-03-05 8:30pm
this furniture assembly guide really just told me to draw the rest of the fucking owl
2025-03-05 7:00pm
run on road
devour my dinner
lighten the load
save a sinner
2025-03-05 2:00pm
didn’t make it into the nyc marathon
2025-03-04 11:30pm
first swim lesson in like 12 years. can’t even swim 25m freestyle
2025-03-02 6:30pm
my favorite and most often worn pants ripped in the butt seam. this will be hard to fix
2025-03-01 2:30am
drew some skulls today
2025-02-26 6:30pm
after some disastrous cookings my pan is finally becoming reasonably well-seasoned (seasonably well-reasoned… is that anything) I can tell because my hashed browns come off cleanly and in one piece now (well, with a bit of elbow grease) don’t ask me how it was before. let’s just say elbow grease didn’t cut it
running is my rock
finally reaching some semblance of cleanliness in my apartment. my work area is pretty neat now. I feel like I can do some stuff
2025-02-26 2:00pm
feeling sick satisfaction at finally feeling as awful physically as I do mentally
I mean don’t get me wrong I don’t like this, but it is a socially acceptable excuse to skip work and I hate work even more than I hate being sick
2025-02-25 3:00pm
noticed I’ve been waking up with clenched teeth more often these days. not a great sign :/
2025-02-25 1:00pm
got sick. must have been one of the places I went to over the weekend (ikea, costco, goodwill). took the day off
2025-02-24 8:00pm
oversalted my meal prep. sadness
2025-02-24 7:00pm
saw a lightning strike for the first time in years. I watched the arc travel from the clouds down to the earth. after a split second, it was gone. but I can still see it in my mind’s eye. it looked like the edge of torn paper. jagged, but flowing.
2025-02-24 3:00pm
feeling adrift. how long has it been? how much longer until I wash ashore? it is unclear. I’ll just close my eyes
2025-02-23 2:00pm
when your memories have gone away, who is the person that remains?
2025-02-22 2:00am
there is someone inside of me.
someone who once was free.
but I wanted control
so I swallowed him whole.
why do I still feel empty?
2025-02-22 1:30am
self-inflicted memory loss is one hell of a coping mechanism
2025-02-21 1:00am
started watching Severance. as someone who constantly wonders what past me was thinking I find it very relatable
2025-02-19 10:00pm
my favorite (and only) running gloves were starting to unravel at the hem after one too many machine washes so I mended them with my sewing machine. took me all of 10 minutes from sewing machine in box to done. those hems are going nowhere
they’re only two years old. thought they’d be a bit sturdier. they were expensive, and somehow both warm and breathable. they are also high vis and work with my phone. I love them
2025-02-19 3:00pm
urge to create… rising
2025-02-17 11:00pm
the nose remembers
2025-02-14 2:00pm
sometimes in software engineering the obstacle is people not technology
2025-02-13 7:30pm
went to a social event in my building. met a lot of new folks! all super nice. got like 4 people's numbers. looking forward to leveling up my social links
2025-02-12 4:00pm
was cooking the other day and asked my neighbor to spare me an egg because I forgot to pick up some at the store. in spite of the shortage they kindly obliged. was a bit nervous asking a favor but it turned out to be a positive interaction and I feel more comfortable interacting with neighbors now
2025-02-10 12:00am
playing persona 3 reload has helped me ease back into the mindset of making new friends, cultivating meaningful relationships, and summoning deities to fight for me in deadly combat
2025-01-02 2:00pm
struggling to create these days
2025-01-01 11:30pm
lua has always felt alien to me but now that I'm getting my hands positively soiled with gloopy chunks of lua I'm realizing it's pretty cool actually
2025-01-01 7:30pm
wish I had the commitment to anything that some have to their faith
2025-01-01 2:00pm
this holiday has really tested my capacity to accomplish as little as humanly possible
2025-01-01 11:30am
hello 2025
2024-12-31 7:30pm
good bye 2024
2024-12-23 12:30pm
feeling lucky to have the job I have. the challenges are mostly real, not manufactured. I am forced to rise to the level of those around me, which is clearly high. I shall not take this environment for granted
the rotted mind allows precaution to fester into superstition
2024-12-22 5:30am
spent maybe 3 hours last night struggling to find a bug in my aoc day 22 solution. ultimately gave up, went to sleep. dreamt I was working on the problem, then I woke up having found the bug. got up to check and that was it. brains are weird
2024-12-19 1:30pm
I feel stupid again caught in another cycle I can't end oh wait I never began
lyrics from Confusion off the album A Love You Cannot Shake (2024) by Fashion Club
just listened to a recovering alcoholic's "break up letter" to alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic but I resonate with the struggle of trying to change yourself, especially as I navigate a difficult time at work trying to reconcile my personality and working style with the demands of performing within a large organization
2024-12-15 7:30pm
thinkin about this guy I met at a concert the other night. he worked in tech for 30 years then retired, lives downtown, he's got 9 acres on the olympic peninsula, plays music with friends, takes classes at community college, and runs a small business. makes me wonder if I should be doing more with my life
2024-12-13 10:30pm
ok day 12 was ez
2024-12-13 7:00pm
hundreds of integer overflows, dozens of seg faults, and three days later, I finally got it :')
2024-12-12 12:00am
the idea was not good enough
2024-12-11 12:30pm
an idea has formed
2024-12-11 1:00am
skipped ahead a bit in advent of code and ugh, day 11 part 2 is a tough nut to crack. gonna sleep on it
2024-12-10 11:00pm
just saw sungazer live! older crowd than I usually see (which is cool)! it was fun to dance to the music (when it wasn't crazy time signatures)! I got a shirt!
2024-12-10 4:30pm
figured out something at work that I’ve been stuck on for like 3 days. feels good to be flowing again. gonna go for a run now. looking forward to the crisp air
2024-12-10 12:30am
my header-only libc-free c hashmap library works well enough to solve advent of code day 1! yayy
2024-12-09 11:00pm
played more shenmue with friends. love to chill and hang out in dobuita
2024-12-09 5:00pm
resuming my mission to do advent of code using c without libc. macros yay :')
2024-12-05 10:00pm
finished installing arch and have samba and syncthing set up. feels good. hopefully won't see anymore suspicious traffic, who knows what ubuntu was up to
2024-12-05 5:00pm
oops just noticed my BIOS version is 4 years out of date so I’m updating that now
2024-12-05 4:30pm
my home server is apparently receiving some suspicious traffic, according to my ISP. kinda suspect my haphazard installation of Ubuntu Server I did a few days ago; not sure I trust it. screw this I'm installing Arch
2024-12-05 10:00am
(on the bus to work rn)
woke up relatively early today to do some Picotron stuff. made progress on the RAM visualizer: implemented mouse scrolling and made the visualization width configurable. I think the next step would be to make some kind of interface for editing values in memory. will have to wait til I get home
2024-12-04 10:30pm
ended up spending all my time on Picotron tonight. mainly reading the manual and writing some small test programs. I saw there’s an API for reading arbitrary segments of RAM into a buffer, which gave me the idea to make a RAM visualizer. mapping the bytes (256 possible values) in memory to colors (Picotron is limited to 64 distinct colors at any given time) will be a challenge. I’ll have to think about how to do that. but now it’s time to be kind to my future self and go to bed
2024-12-04 4:30pm
first time posting in Geminispace. hello!
got home from work not too long ago and I have some things I want to explore today: picotron, advent of code, home server setup. we'll see how much of it I manage to get to. I'd also like to sleep early today.