* I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
  Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

* I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
  they go flying by.

* Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

* I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

* Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

* There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
  suitable application of high explosives.

* Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
  statue.

* Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
  first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

* I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

* Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
  thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

* My Reality Check bounced.

* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

* I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

* You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
  butter.

* Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy
  and taste good with ketchup.

* Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.