Casino Royale by Ian Fleming

This is the first work of fiction featuring James Bond and I'm sure a lot has been said of it since, so I'll try to take a different approach with this review. 

A Penis-centric Review of Casino Royale

(Content warning for details of malicious penis harm.)

The first three quarters of Casino Royale have little to say about James Bond's penis. The final quarter of Casino Royale has, as a major plot point, the looming question of whether James Bond's penis still functions or has it become irrevocably squished by ill use.

The turning point of the book is the penis squishing scene, which lasts one chapter, and in the fiction of the book lasts one hour. The book's villain, and main antagonist to James Bond's penis, is a Soviet spy called Le Chiffre. He uses a carpet beater - a device I'm not sure I've seen in real life but which I image to be something between a fly swot and a tennis racket to whack James Bond's penis for a solid hour.

Le Chiffre is interrupted - to be clear, interrupted after one entire hour of this, and just after saying that he is now going to escalate to the next level of penis whacking - and Bond is taken to hospital. The various loose ends of the non-penis related story are tied up, and then the novel settles into the question of what's become of James Bond's penis. At this point I was struck by the number of remaining pages.

James Bond's doctor is confident that his penis will recover, but James Bond isn't yet convinced. He worries that his penis' salad days are behind it. The penis salad, to extend the metaphor, has a mayonnaise-based dressing which has passed its expiry date and, to mix metaphors, the penis baby must now be thrown out with the penis salad bathwater.

The reminder of the book follows Bond, with his Schrodinger's cat-like trouser situation, going on holiday with an attractive lady. He wonders whether he can to consummate their relationship. Given the many sequels, and their content, I don't think it's much of a spoiler to say that he can and does. The Schrodinger wave function has collapsed into a state of non-collapse.

That's the end of my review, though it would be a missed opportunity not to point out how ironic it is that the complete squishing of Bond's penis is interrupted by an agent of "Smersh", which is fairly onomatopoeiac.