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Motivation 7/...

It's been three years that I'm telling to myself I'll get better

Maybe I did get a bit better

I did not get good

People are all like "happy birthday" and all

Sometimes I think I just want to be happy. It doesn't last long but I do think it for a second or so

Today was garbage. The worst part is that I know it's not just my birthday that made it feel so bad.

I woke up with a phone ring for a happy birthday. That was not a good start. It got me thinking and I got out of bed at 11.

I procrastinated in the house for a while as I didn't want to work. My parents came in at around 11h30, which convinced me to get away and start working.

I started the computer, and remembered I couldn't work due to weird dev environment thingies. So I procrastinated at work. Classified every mail and fixed every typo in gitlab tickets. I got two "happy birthday"s during this hour.

I got bored of work-procrastinating. I went back to the "gaming" computer and decided to Warframe-procrastinate instead. Long story short, that just gave me more time to think. I got a happy birthday and decided to go work on my fucking project. Not a sex thing. Just a project I'm starting to be annoyed by.

I started the fucking project IDE. I typed three lines of code, and got distracted by an UPS message. Delivery guy couldn't find the address. Delivery guy had been given a truncated address that omitted the street and number. Ah, but I can change the address; *If* I agree with ten thousand terms, create an account with eleven thousand factors authentication, and then wait for a full week because "tell us what code you received on the fucking letter we'll fucking send you by the fucking postal paper-post". You know before ordering that thing, I was hesitating because I felt bad about wasting a delivery driver's time and the CO2 emissions. Well that's a dillemna solved for me, it *was* a bad decision after all.

Jesus christ when I write "none" I start activating the neurons about how to deal with the `Option`

Anyways at this point my parents were back and I can't do anything while they are around, so I went back to the work computer and stared at the wallpaper.

Things happen, I get one more notification about how I suck, they go away, and I go back to the fucking project.

That was two hours ago. I did nothing. I got two more birthday notifications, which didn't help, but I just stared at the thing and procrastinated.

And now I'm writing something to keep myself away from thinking.

I'm skipping over the part were I'm sick and the heat pump doesn't work and there's a leak in a pipe that goes to the sewer and I can smell it. That's not the point. The point is that I suck.

Look I don't have much to say about it.

I remember the feeling when I was focused and could spend 9 hours in a row working. I want it back.

Maybe that's an error. Maybe it's gone and I shouldn't expect it again. It made me happy back then. I need that.

qwel[]e.email