i am on a big trip. entries are in chronological order from top to bottom, which is the opposite of my usual flounder pages. enjoy your reading time my friends :)

nov 13 2025

4:50am cst

good morning, i am on the train to chicago, currently between the atl and alton stations. feeling a major relief of a lot of tension, since now i am not "waiting" and instead i am "on my trip." i had to wake up at 2am for my train, i woke up just before my alarm, to the sight of a tree that was so intense and calling that it brought me softly into fully awake. as i looked at the tree, bright green, tangled, intermingled with vines, sprawling, and growing despite in such a unique shape due to its position being all too close to a brick wall, i knew it was like a destiny for me. it was a very beautiful moment. i can not even sort of articulate the feeling, but it was probably top ten most intense feelings i have had inside of a dream, and usually that is horrible feelings, but this was overwhelmingly positive. i think you all who read my page will deeply resonate and understand, so i am not all that concerned with the need to keep trying to explain it, you understand me. i love you and i will be overjoyed as all of us travel through the passage of time to have more stories to share with each other. by the way, the full moon will be on new years, can you believe that? something incredible has arrived.

7:36am cst

still deciding how i will format this page, subject to change. i can not remember is three hashtags is extra large text or the smaller large text, i will sort it out. due to my success in getting to bed at a reasonable time, my frankly rock solid train sleep, and the general excitement of everything, i am feeling relatively bright eyed and bushy tailed, all things considered. heads up, my updates once i leave the continent will not be as frequent, i plan to mostly journal in my planner. i am really looking forward to seeing flounder user punkreflex in chicago, as a result of god's gift of serendipity. the train ride is so beautiful (duh). a couple times i was reminded of that painting i love with the lady laying listlessly in the american field. i have been fantasizing about moving to a small town again while passing through them. not that i am all that tempted, a fantasy. i have known for some time that the next place i settle into will be unimaginably large, i believe. i am gonna freak in são paulo. i was thinking while riding through bloomington illinois that i am afraid/unable to fall in love because i think it would be mortifying since i think of myself as so unworthy. hopefully i can heal that. yesterday while staring longingly at an 11-11 photo (as mentioned in my fleeting post) i felt like i almost could fall in love and what a relief it was to allow myself that feeling. flounder user james teaches me a lot about allowing oneself to feel. it is something natural, safe, and self-intimate. three things my life has been at war with but that are so good.

11:38am cst

my last few hours on the train, all that i wanted was a nice warm cup of coffee, and right now i have that...awesome. i got into a+m's current home and it is still their home only transformed again. the bed that m prepared for me is so delightful that i took a photo of it and smiled and spoke aloud to myself with delight before i even took off my shoes. walking through a downtown with all of my bags was sorta mortifying, like "yes i am in fact visiting your Big City where u live so like do u hate me for being embarrassing?!" i feel as though i look like a fish out of water suburbanite being all like "whoa the darn tootin BIG CITY where DREAMS come TRUE" bc of my general air of whimsy. then after like 5 minutes of walking to i decided it is cunty actually to be a person traveling and get around by foot and public transit rather than taking a taxi or an uber or whatever. i understand the appeal of chicago, the downtown is suuuper dreamy. i do not think i could ever like living here, but it is very beautiful. i was disturbed by how quiet the downtown was despite it being so full...get to yelling and talking, people!!! but then at the bus stop an older gentleman talked at me about god and the devil and how you "have to do what you know is right for you" and that following your path unrelentingly will get you into heaven. and a guy asked me for directions, so i guess i didn't look like a fish out of water after all.

nov 15 2025

8:30am cst

yesterday rocked!!! i went to the art museum while my friends were at work from noon-4:15. i fricking love art museums!!! and that one has sooo many famous classics like the van gogh bedroom and portrait, that le grand one (the one with the dots!), and the the one with the well lit diner at night. tbh i love all four of those a lot!!! i am me so i felt pretty moved by the whole ordeal i also saw this series of found photos inlaid by the finder's own photos and those were completely sensational!!!!!! i could have easily stayed the extra 45 minutes until close, but my friend would be home from work soon and i wanted to see them. i reluctantly looked at the bean, just to do it. i was mad at everyone on iphone the entire day, from the art museum to the bean. omg but in the morning i watched a hilarious traffic jam at the intersection in front of the art museum for a good five minutes i was laughing my heart full of joy. when i got back, we drove to pick up some food at a chinese bakery and then walk to a park nearish by. we hung out there for a while, and left the worst note in a bottle ever. it was so fucking stupid but we laughed a lot. i love my friend so much. we have known each other since i was 19 years old and now i am 26 years old so that is kinda insane to me. the love i have for them is sooo immense and they show theirs enough that even i can see it too. they tried to take photos of me "looking scary" in a willow tree but i only know how to laugh so they will probably turn out funny. we saw this couple who was kinda incredible and they were drunk and talking to us "do you listen to my chemical romance?!" "sorry he's so drunk" a asked to take a picture of them bc their outfits were so awesome. after they posed for the photo she said "he cheated on me three years ago" and he said "but its different now" they were both laughing and stumbling over, it was endearing. i think the picture will be stellar. then we got stuck behind the freight train for at least 10 minutes and kept joking about just leaving on it since it was taking so long and moving so slowly. then we watched slc punk at home, it was my first time watching it and i really liked it. i love my friends and also even my life. i am glad i am in chicago before my big trip because i was nervous but being here has quelled a lot of my nerves because of how much i love and enjoy all of this hustle and bustle.

nov 17 2025

3:30pm cst

having a hilariously awesome time at the chicago ohare airport. you would nor guess it by literally else about me, but i love airports, they are so fun. i got my shoes shined!!! it was the first time ever. there was some snow on the ground in some on chicago and the salt from the roads scuffed up my shoes i think. and then lo and behold...airport shoeshine. i usually fly early mornings, this 4:40pm departure flight is actually epic. i had a slow start to my morning, and the whole airport is open for things such as shining my dang ol shoes yay. maximum nerves and maximum excitement at the moment ... the tsa obviously found my genitals "suspicious" and rubbed them. i hated it but whatever the tsa always touches me, ever since i was a young teen. not sure what it is about me. still having fun tho :) okay gotta board my flight soon!!! i love you!!!!!!!!

5:38pm cst?

i watched a 30 second ad for 20 minutes of free in flight wifi in order to let u all know that i am listening to johnny cash and having fun :)

9:00pm est

miami airport is incredibly twisted. this is my first time here. even as an airport enjoyer i have my limits.......yet another reason to avoid florida. a prayer to every airline and airport worker who has to be inside of this establishment for their job. we board in like an hour so i have time to kill i will figure it out. a guy who works here tried to tell me that the city of miami does not have potable water...is that fact? still feeling awesome about my shoeshine, now that all of the wax and moisture has settled they are less SHINY and more well hydrated and creamy. loving that. when it leaves, this flight will take me to rio. i will probably get in-flight wifi at some point on the fight again because i won't have any cell service once i leave the us until i get to my friend's house. we are going to get me a sim card so that i can use my phone for some stuff. i will still have to do the whatsapp while im there tho bc that is just How It Is even with a sim card. the flight to miami was dreamy bc the plane was practically empty. the gate for my flight to rio is packed tho so that flight may be bananas. still feeling good though. i am wearing a scary tshirt and i think that is funny but i hope no one in the airport thinks im demonic or mean. i was thinking two of my three crushes a lot while on my flight. so, so far having crushes for my vacation is turning out fruitful...

nov 18 2025

7:00pm brt

i am in brazil #chillin

nov 20 2025

5:00pm brt

ugh i just wrote so much then somehow highlighted it and hit backspace....i can not use the phone i am so bad with technology. lol. okay well i do not want to write it all again, because this is basically the first time i have been on my phone in days and i am hating it. i will try my best though...i am having a lot of fun and learning a lot of portuguese, my friend have been so helpful. yesterday i went to the mall to get my brazilian sim card for google maps and stuff. i got the pre-pay plan that doesnt include calls or anything, just internet so i do not get lost and can text my friends in emergencies. i have 40gb for the summer. the mall was really fun and i miss malls a lot tbh. the way they were when i was a kid, like a big indoor space that everyone is hanging out in. so fun. yesterday my friend made cheesecake and i had it for breakfast this morning as well. and yesterday i had yummyyyyy self-serve lunch and i ate tooo much but like the food is actually digestible so i did not even have a stomach ache...imagine that! i swam laps for like 15 minutes last night then today i went swimming again and sunbathed for a while as well. the lap pool is mildly heated and indoors, but the pool (very cold) and hot tub outside were crowded because today and tomorrow is a federal holiday. so, i will go on a work day and sunbathe in the hot tub soon. i have been knowing enough portuguese to make jokes so that is feeling good, but mostly the jokes are me saying something in portuguese in a way that is kinda rudimentary on purpose but i will still call it a win. i also have been saying "deus esta aqui" (god is here) a lot to make my friend laugh and saying "eu não sei" (i don't know) in response to practically everything english or portuguese which is also making me laugh a lot. my friends have been joking that i am like a child since i can't speak and my friend even used me as a fake excuse to leave somewhere they didnt want to be, by saying like "my american friend is at home and can't speak any portuguese i have to go or else something bad might happen they need me" lolololol i thought that was awesome. all that to say, im having a great time :)

nov 21 2025

first night of waxing crescent :) fuck yeah that shit was so beautiful. today i had sushi here and there was a roll that was just strawberry in sushi rice and seaweed and it was So Good. i bought my flip flops today...skimpy bikini is the last thing on the list To Buy In Brazil. the bugs here are awesome (duh). the neighborhood i am in is pretty mountainous, so they are cool "nature bugs" as my friend keeps calling them (perfect name). the bugs are sooo cute and funny and sizeable. awesome!!! tonight we are gonna go to karaoke!!!! at a gay bar!!!!! now That is epic...

nov 27 2025

i have been going to museums like that's my job. being a tourist is super fun sometimes. it is less embarrassing to gawk here than is was in chicago because i am so genuinely amazed that i can't even give a gaf. last night we went to this lesbian bar that we went to last time i was here. so it was funny to go again, felt comforting. another friend of ours met up with us there and she was soo sweet, we also met last time i was here and follow each other on ig since then. so it is cute to feel familiar here. i accidentally stumbled upon a PUPPET EXHIBITION with like probably close to a thousand puppets...that shit was fucking crazy awesome. today i rested for a few hours bc i got so sleepy running around the city all day yesterday but im about to go hang by the pool B-) byeee xoxoxoxoxo

nov 28 2025

6:40pm brt

feeling introspective and sad right now, actually loving that. i had a sinus infection for like 4 days (classic me thing) and i couldn't think as a result due to all of the snot inside of my brain cavity. having my regular "wtf am i even doing with my life?!" thoughts. being so far away from expectation is a really isolating experience. i do all sorts of things in my life, yet nothing feels worth any while to me. it is like, no matter what i do the utter failure of romance that i am leaves me feeling as though the totality of my life is nothing. others have mentioned before and emma has talked a lot recently about bell hooks saying "there can not be love within abuse", and i am not at all saying this is wrong...but then what the hell have i been doing my whole life? what is all of this life force that has been pouring out of me all of this time? where did it go and can i ever be able to make some sense of the world from this point on? it reminds me of how sometimes i cry and cry and cry when i think of how i must have been the first person that my [very private family member] ever knew love with in their entire life. and then to have me taken away against their will when i was only a toddler...it fucks me up a lot. (the moon is a beautiful half tonight, fyi.) i seem to consistently have relationships with friends closer to how people feel about their lovers. meanwhile, my relationships have more often than not felt intense and painful, like something pinning me down and attempting to tame me. once when i was three years old, our border collie, who had been trained on the ranch for herding but ended up coming to live at home with us, got too riled up and he ran circles around our tree, jumped on me to knock me over, ran another circle to be at the top of my head, and then began digging my hair into the ground. my lovers have felt a lot like that. many of them have independently taken to "affectionately" calling me "creature" as a pet name. it is quite clear that i have been viewed as a prize catch more than a lover. i feel bad for about my most recent relationship, because i really didn't realize how unwilling i am to let people in romantically. i think since most of my past relationships involved some degree of barging in, i didnt notice that i wasn't all that willing to open up of my own volition. whatever whatever. all this to say, i can even live the kind of life where i go across the world and get along with people everywhere i go, and yet i still carry a deep shame because of my lack of the american ideal of my "other half". can i ever be whole as my own woman?

dec 1 2025

2:30pm brt

being in brazil has made me a daylight savings truther. or something. it is less than 3 weeks from summer solstice and the sun sets at 6:30pm ....... but dont worry it is still light for 14 hours like summer should be because the sun rises at fucking 4am. not a huge fan of this.

dec 2 2025

6:00pm brt

fascist indoctrination and its roots in our mind are actually sooo funny because i constantly achieve my goals, i am loved by people who live all over the world, i am shown beauty and joy beyond my comprehension. and then, i think to myself "i am a failure, my life has no meaning" because i do not have a career or a spouse or children or a four bedroom home.

as an aside, i am having fuuuun. today i went for a big long walk around the city yet again. i love brazil. the birds are awesome. belo horizonte is such a fun city the parque municipal is unreal i keep going there. today, i got off the bus at praça da liberdade to eat lunch as this place that sells their special for 19 reais. it is chicken parm, rice, beans, lettuce, tomato, fries, chips, and pasta salad. that shit goes crazy. then, i got a matcha which also cost 19 reais which is objectively funny to have cost the same as my lunch, but it is a remarkably cheap lunch. then, i walked the several blocks north to the parque municipal and talked to some older woman with bright pink hair along the way. the ducks were all in a wacky mood today, the ducklings are so cute. there are so many turtles i can't even handle it. from what i hear it is a cruising park after dark, but like for gay men so i have not gone. [to be cont]

dec 3 2025

11:00pm brt

sorry last night my friend asked me to go on a walk. today, i went to inhotim. guy at one of the greatest art museums in the world: dang this place rocks. i took the bus and it took 4 hours both ways and i spent 3 hours there. 12 hr day with 3 hours of activity. classic me behavior. the bus ride there is so totally awesome i cant even describe it. almost better than the museum. a horse got in my way when i was walking back to the bus from the museum. that was so silly. inhotim is so many things. it is both hilarious and awesome. giant immersive art exhibitions are like awesome but still kinda stupid. like dang that sure is a giant charcoal black skeleton in a hammock...and im loving it. okay yes put a strobe light onto a water fountain, that does look cool. hmm hmm yes translucent drop ceiling with foam balls being pushed around with fans....literally. it is so fun. art museums like that are so awesome i love the whimsy. i also went back to my favorite exhibition ever again that is a small, enclosed hexagonal room of mirrors where the only light is a projection on one wall of a weird blue room with two ghostly people slow dancing sometimes together sometimes separate. fyi the door is mirror so that is how it is enclosed. and i got to use the map to get around that was so fun :)

me and k&b listened to pitbull and friends for a while too that rocked

dec 7 2025

11:40pm brt

i have been doing a lot of sitting on my ass and doing nothing so far and it is so funny bc i am like "oh no i am not being productive" bruh sit ur ass down ur on vacation. i have been watching so many movies, my letterboxd has been filling up. i finally watched moonlight and that is crazy how they knew my mom when they made the movie :| that movie is so good fr though i am glad i finally had the time to watch it i was crying basically the whole time. movie guy. i also am leaving my friends house here in nova lima to head to rio on wednesday and we are all kinda sad about it, which is very adorable. we were at the supernossa (chain grocery store) and b was telling me how sad they are that i am gonna be gone even though they are happy i get to go to rio. we decided i will come back to the house for another week before i leave brazil. still going to nyc the same day, but i was planning to stay elsewhere but they were like "nooo come back here plz" literally very cute.

guy who is so loved and cared for everywhere he goes: "am i literally an evil stupid annoying wretch??"

it is funny to me how my insecurity knows no bounds.

but ya i also keep having a mental trip up bc this trip is sooooo long that i still cant even comprehend it that when i remember that i leave on wed for rio my brain keeps thinking i am leaving to go home bc it can't comprehend that i am only like a third of the way through this.

i went to this really wicked awesome club a few nights ago btw like i will just have to tell you all about it when im home that shit was so totally fucking cool and also i looked so sexy by the way. i was dancinggg. it was a real "oh yeah other countries have lit ass nightclubs" moment. common usa L..... also my friends and i think it is so funny when i say "eu sou sapatão, não falo portuguese, eu sou boa em transa" i love learning ways to make people laugh, i even whipped that one out to some of the fellow sexy dykes at the club and they loved it. btw it is me saying "i am a dyke, i don't speak portuguese, i am really good at fucking".

still having fun, nervous to go to rio all by myself!!!!!! missing my friends back home a lot T-T !!!!!!!!!!

9 dec 2025

the stroke of midnight brt

today (the 8th of dec) i went to bh shopping (close mall to the house) again with b to get nail polish. they had informed me about the price of nail polish in this great nation a few days ago and how their other gringo friends stock up and like...wow...i bought 11 bottles of nail polish for $20 ....that is insane god is good. then, we were sitting around in the chocolate shop in the mall and a christmas brass band with people is costumes literally came by???? we were freaking out (good edition). i love this great nation. also a little girl came up to us in the coffee shop (post parade) to practice english with me and it was the single most adorable experience of my life. once again...god is good. another epic day.

the stroke of noon brt

this morning i saw the largest bug i have ever seen in the wild just chillen on the porch. freak yesssss!!!!!!! the fear of my return is creeping up on me, but i still have so much longer before that so i am trying to allow it to subside because it isn't an emotion that i need or is serving me. i have been here for 3 weeks and my jaw hurts way less and i can even chew as a result of that, my stomach almost never hurts, and my hemorrhoids are literally cured, etc... "the body keeps score" as they say and i am struggling deeply with the notion of voluntarily re-entering my life that was causing me so much daily pain from the stress and fear i carried with me ever day. it kept feeling as though i could sense my own dead body that i was pulling around with me everywhere. how the fuck am i just supposed to return and let myself die in my arms again?!?!?!?!? but, i still have like 2 months until i am home so it isn't time to worry about that yet. just naming the feeling. and letting everyone know that my health has been good!!! :-)

10 dec 2025

10am brt

in the uber on the way to the airport to go to rio!!! typical travel day nerves!!! :)

12 dec 2025

9pm brt

if you follow the news in brazil, for some reason... then u would know my journey to rio was like a hell. not to be discussed further. i got all of my errands run before bed yesterday and had an absolutely epic day on the beach today. i did get remarkably sunburnt despite my best efforts otherwise. worth it tbh that shit was so beautiful. the waves here are unreal. so tall on the shore people were fully surfing like wtf. i got in some, it was reasonably scary but also so fun. the ocean is so special <3 looking like Neapolitan ice cream bc my arms are well tanned from stl summer, my tits are white as stone and the rim of my bikini line is quite red. the sunburn on my ass is sooo funny bc like the bikinis here are thongs and so i dont have a burn on my lower back since again, that is tan from stl summer but the part just below where the thong bikini sits is burnt on my pale ass. i imagine this is a classic situation for a gringa in rio. me and u ladies me and u.... god bless. :) love u!

13 dec 2025

9:20pm brt

i went to this bar but i went to early because im a major wuss, so there was literally no one there. but then i ate at a random restaurant very close by (yummy!) and then there were old guys playing a card game oh yeah you know i loved that it was sooo fun omg!!!!!