~journally space~

dec.13.2025

this morning i woke up at 3:30 and could not fall back asleep due to some anxiety about my life situation. at a crossroads where great change needs to happen and i’m so terrified. i want to be good. all i have ever wanted to be was good. i do not have to be good. i am all that i am.

i had to get up for work by 5:30 so after resigning myself to not being able to sleep more i rose just before 5 and took a morning shower. it’s been hard to want to wash my hair recently, but today i did it. small win. i ate some cereal and drank some tea but felt too nauseous to have too much. i sat in the sunroom (more like moonroom since it was still so dark) and read a bit, being very intentional about not going on my phone. i pet my cat. i got ready for work

i said goodbye to my sweetheart in my bed and i left for work. i have been listening the the band Tortoise recently bc i have craved new music but songs with words have felt like too much. i really like them. i cried while driving, feeling overwhelmed. i kept saying i wish i could cry while on T, and that has been catching up to me these past few days. careful what you wish for.

i hope it’s all worth it. god i hope so. i just want to feel like myself. i want to be big bright and beautiful. i want to feel whole. i can get through hard things.

dec.12.2025

i will be okay

i will be okay

i will be okay

i have to try

fuck

dec.10.2025

seasonal depression kicking my ass this december. doesn’t help that me from 2 months ago thought it would be a good idea to pick up a punch of shifts at work this month in preparation for going out of town to dallas for Christmas. i am nervous for that trip bc we are visiting arielatthewheels family and i have only met them once a few months ago, but i think it will be a good trip overall. they are lovely people and it is fun seeing the elements of someone you love in their family. necesito practicar mi español, pero estoy emocionada(o?) (lo siento latinos de flounder)

starting to debate possibly pursuing medication for my mental health. i currently take buspirone for anxiety and it works but i just feel so numb all the time, unrelated to that med. i feel like since i graduated high school i have just been kind of floating through space and nothing truly excites me for more than the moment it happens. i guess that’s the case for a lot of people since our society and The Phone makes us prone to depression and anxiety, so my brain is like welp this is just how it is you just have to deal with it. you can’t change it even if you try. but that’s very doomer of me, i guess i do deserve to feel content in the life i live even if there are elements outside my control that make it so freaking hard.

one thing i want to try to pursue next year is doing theatre related things. i was very involved in tech theatre in high school and i loved it so much. it was a space i got a lot of creative and social fulfillment, which are areas i have felt so unsatisfied in since leaving that space after hs. i went to stlcc for a semester after graduating but for some reason didn’t try to be apart of their theatre group. i realistically could have, but for some reason felt like my time was done and i needed to focus on other things. i think i was also afraid of it not feeling the same as it used to. if i knew what i knew now id go back in time and shake 19 year old ami and say STOP THINKING AND JUST DO IT. but i cant do that. so now im gonna try and shake that into current 23 year old ami.

i am ready for this year to be over. i know new years is arbitrary but i cant deny that it does excite me. new year same me but with maybe a renewed sense of getting my shit together. idk stay tuned in to find out!

dec.7.2025

this evening i went to pipers by myself and journaled in my physical notebook. much needed as i have been feeling strange and off all day. then afterwards i was like hmm hunger and i tried the pizza place on the same block and it was so cool decorated for christmas! ended up having a sit down dinner by myself, which i don’t remember the last time i’ve done. i had a slice of pizza and a cesar salad and a cider (brick river my beloved). i also read a lot of the book ive been reading, the emperor of gladness by ocean vuong. i haven’t finished it yet but i would already highly recommend it! i finally got around to reading on earth we’re briefly gorgeous this earlier year, and i think i may be liking emperor a bit more. i was sitting next to two people on a date watching the hockey game and the guy was explaining hockey and how players get picked to his date and it reminded me of some of the firsts dates i had with gf and she was explaining racing to me. ariel be at the wheel :) after a while i walked home in the cold, slightly warm and fuzzy from the alcohol. i got home and folded my laundry while watching a movie that i wasn’t really paying attention to. still feeling strange, but i think that is just some sunday scaries and life uncertainties creeping up on me. i’m glad i took the time to get myself out of the house and home some quality alone time:)

dec.5.2025

realized this morning before leaving for work that sylvie had No Food and i felt so terrible:( to clarify she has an automatic feeder and the container that holds the food is not clear, so it’s hard to remember she doesn’t have infinite food. like oh wait i still have to buy that to replenish the stock. the robot is convenient but the human (me) still needs to do the work to keep it functioning. something about that….

anyway at the pet store buying food i got into a convo with a fun older lady about our cats. apparently she has four cats and one of them is a mainecoon that’s 2y/o and 25lbs. she showed me a picture and i was like that’s one big baby! then i almost bought sylvie a christmas toy but they were weirdly expensive?

there are two wolves inside me: one wants to not over consume/over spend, and the other wants to have a silly trinket. i fight this battle at least weekly. especially hard around the holidays. gf and i have had many conversations about consumption and gift giving and i still sometimes don’t know where i land. if i had more time and spoons (and money) i would make everyone gifts. i beat myself for not having these things sometimes. but i know thats not fair or realistic to expect of myself. idk christmas is hard.

roomie put up xmas decorations yesterday and for some reason when i saw them initially when i got home my first reaction was being upset? tbf i had a lot going on yesterday and little things were setting off my mad meter. i think i more so was just envious that they had more time and energy to make our apartment look fun and festive, and that they get excited about Christmas. i do not get very excited around Christmas, even tho i wish i did. i am happy i live with someone holly jolly and wants to make our own holiday traditions and make our home so beautiful. i wish i had more to contribute. thank you bigsantabug.

anyways that’s all for now, thanks for reading :)

dec.3.2025

got so extremely overstimulated for the first time since autism diagnosis and i felt thrown into such a weird funk bc of it that i hadn’t experienced before. like yes i would get overstimulated before, but it was easy to ignore? now i cannot do that. i knew this would happen tho. knowing why more why my brain works the way it does opens a door that is impossible to close now. it’s difficult ,but feels worth it to go through. i am learning how to advocate more for my needs. this has always been difficult for me, and something i have struggled with a lot particularly pre diagnosis. like getting so mad and angry at myself for just not feeling like i could be “normal” and say what was on my mind. like my brain was putting tape over my mouth any time i tried to even think about it. i feel better equipped to slap the tape out of my brain hand now.

also i love grocery shopping. i feel like that is definitely not the popular opinion, but something about it is so exciting to me. getting to pick out the food i get to eat. browsing new items in the aisles. trying to get the best deals on things. food and grocery shopping was always stressful living at my parents home just because i felt like i had no say or control in the food we had since my dad was the person who did the shopping and cooking. it has been something that’s brought me a lot of joy ever since i moved out last year. yes it is still a task, but i feel so accomplished and proud of myself after.

lasagna in the oven now. going to arkadin later to watch night on earth, which is one of my favorites. i first watched it with my bestie (m) like 5 years ago and it was the movie that got me interested in watching movies as a hobby. can’t wait to see winona ryder drive a taxi.

dec.2.2025

seeing an old friend today! very excited. will have to trudge through the snow but thankfully the coffee shop is near my house. (n) was someone i was friends with when i was best friends with a very complex person, (t). when i was younger and engrossed by (t) i was not always a good friend to other people, including (n). i would like to be a better friend to (n) now that we’re both a little older and don’t talk to (t) anymore. it has been fun to even just text them again. i’m excited for our catch up and yap.

trying to feel normal using flounder again and not just being a lurker (hello everyone i still read ur flounds). i have a weird relationship with writing anything that will have the potential to be seen by anyone, and also anything that feels like social media, so flounder can feel kind of strange for me. but i always feel inspired after reading my friends blogs, so why not. anyways, have a good day flounderers!

pt.2 - hangout with (n) was really nice! he has a very calming creative presence that is inspiring to me. i want to spend the rest of the day relaxing and doing something to fulfill my creative needs. i also told them of flounder so hi if u see this! i had a great time today:-) time to do one million loads of laundry