friday, dec 12

thank you big ass bug for epic ass poetry night. i never thought poetry nights would be my thing, still not sure if they are because of my fear around vulnerability, but it felt more comfortable to be cozy in room with friends ^_^ i can add reading a poem to my list of firsts in s-t-l

review of the new steak poblano rolled quesadilla from taco bell: mid, kinda tastes like a foot. that being said i can't stop eating it

thursday, dec 11

got the winter blues bad. not sad, but perpetual bleh, which might be worse. i did notice that since quitting alcohol and more pertinently thc, i'm more level-headed. i wish i knew what exactly is going on with me and thc, but using it is essentially microdosing mania at best and psychosis at worst, all while feeling like my chest is collapsing. alcohol was fucking with my dopamine, especially in tandem with my meds. i think about the kind of person i was when thc worked for me and how i would never want to be that person again. just o-fficially signed a new lease for my apartment. this is only the second time i've ever renewed a lease. i have roughly $600 in music gear to sell online but i don't feel like it. sigh. hopefully getting a glitch delay pedal for christmas :3

update: thinking about this customer i had at work yesterday. he was maybe in his forties and he had bleached hair, slightly charged with gel. his hairline was receding a bit. he was dressed business casual. i just loved that look so much

tuesday, dec 9

taking it slow today. woke up at 10am which made me groggy but i'm feeling ok now that i've been moving around. played some animal crossing, did the dishes and wiped down the counters and made a tuna sandwich (currently eating) going to get the floors next and pick up clothes. one thing about winter is that i will stack all of my clothes in piles for some reason. jumping my car in a bit, everyone say thank you @batfaced. then hopefully i can work on some christmas gifts. i ordered more of my preferred supplies so it'll be easier to work with. kinda wanna go to [wine bar] this evening and continue building my apple music library. i know there are services to transfer from spotify but my unidentified cluster c disorder makes me find great pleasure in starting from scratch

update: started the floors, did not pick up clothes or work on christmas presents. did play with music for a bit. i wish i had a physical manual for the recorder. i'll have to order a manual for the microkorg. manuals in pdf form are not ideal. i could just sell the recorder – it's worth about $100 – and get one that better suits my needs. did not go to wine bar. kind of a bleh day, lost all motivation when the sun began to set. keep loading up on carbs before bed, urgh. adjusting to winter kind of day. considering walking to work again tomorrow even though my car is jumped, except i misplaced my earbuds so maybe not. i'm supposed to be off tomorrow but i had to switch shifts because i forgot i had a doctor's appointment on thursday. i wish i were off tomorrow :(

monday, dec 8

1. three weeks sober today, i don't really have the urge to drink but something that affirms me is taking notice of how normalized alcohol use is, i'm more acutely aware of every advertisement for or mention of alcohol that i see or hear. i saw a video of the artist kitty ray talking about her health struggles in ED recovery and how if anything can help you recover, it's knowing that the powers that be want you weak, they want you to be powerless and pouring money into the healthcare system. in the times more recently that i've been drunk around others, i notice that it actually makes me more insecure and socially anxious. i know myself now and i feel uncomfortable when my state of mind is altered and i'm not fully present 2. i think i'm ready to start reading a book again

sunday, dec 7

car battery died but i'm just gonna figure that out tomorrow or tuesday. walking to work has been nice. i walked a lot this weekend and it feels good to rest and know that my body needs it. thought a bit today about how many times i hard-reset during my early twenties. i was a lot of different people and put my past selves behind me many times. at 26 i had the realization that it doesn't really work like that. tomorrow is 3 weeks without drinking. brushing my teeth more

friday, dec 5

want to start journaling in private again so i wonder what that means for this journal. right now i'm having a cup of coffee that is kind of weak. butternut squash, petite red potatoes and broccoli are roasting and filling the apartment with an epic aroma which reminds me to light my seasonal candle. i traded my bed blankie for a thicker, softer one. gonna play animal crossing. yeah so pretty much it's cozy

i didn't realize the episodes of monster i've been downloading are Fucking 7.5GB each, so after only 5 of them i have burned through my hotspot for the month. wifi era coming soon, i promise. everything's gonna change. while skimming my 2024 journal i discovered that i've already gone over a year without internet. i am strong as hell

work meeting today and i'm already annoyed because i overheard someone that was gone for like 8 months and just returned mention that they "have a laundry list of things to bring up at the meeting" like... ok. my response to this is too unkind for my gentle flounder audience

wednesday, dec 3

went to slam for the first time today but only had an hour so my friend gave me a quick tour and it feels kinda surreal to have just seen water lillies and rothko and sculptures from 200 BC and van gogh and cy twombly and then just come back home and watch youtube

i'm excited to go back to the museum by myself and look at everything really hard and write down names. i also didn't get to check out the gift shop and i love a gift shop. monster (anime) is really good so far. it's refreshing to be watching an anime that is good

feeling very bottom dysphoria rn but so it goes

tuesday, dec 2

today i got breakfast at work, made another christmas gift (but i'm not sure about it) and got some groceries. i've been having anxiety and pain in my chest. i took a small hit of the pen a few nights ago and wouldn't you know it, nothing happened except my body feeling frozen and my mind ruminating about sexual trauma. the more recently i've smoked, the more likely i am to have phantom anxiety when sober. there's no use. thinking about quitting caffeine too. my heart and nervous system have been through so much stress. i want to be healthy when i'm old

sunday, nov 30

listening to david sedaris' diaries has been interesting. it's funny how diaries are world-building in a sense. hearing about the day to day in this dreary time capsule of the 70s-80s makes me appreciate the present in some ways and resent it in others. i'd recommend it but it's heavy at times, at least so far. it's inspired me to start journaling privately again though, and more descriptively. i'm super interested in how things will change speed around the time he meets hugh and his writing starts picking up

i got a coffee and turnover from the bakery this morning and they gave me a free loaf of sweet bread as i was leaving ^_^ then i played around with the korg d8 recorder i found at the bins, then i met with @thingsimgratefulfour for a winter walk through the park and we had tea and some of the bread. i've been kinda idling since i got back home other than washing the litter box and making dinner. i also set up a water fountain that my boss passed on to me, we'll see how mita likes it. i was able to pick up an extra shift this week to make up for the snow day

tomorrow i am 2 weeks sober :)

thursday, nov 27

finished my fourth christmas gift today. i am overwhelmed that i already know so many people that i care about and am inspired by enough to create art for

two general updates:

my trademark loafers might finally be kicking the bucket and my hair is green again

tuesday, nov 25

finished 2/10 christmas [secret craft]s today. this is great practice in this craft and i'm excited to make more in the future. it's nice having a big desk to work on. i also got some music work done at @james empty house and hung out with kitty. i reflected on how the themes of my older music compare to the themes of the music i'm writing now. some of my new songs seriously feel like anthems and i don't care if that's corny. one in particular has nothing to do with alcohol but empowers me to stay sober. i'm wired because i have been nursing a quad shot latte for roughly 7 hours. while crafting i started listening to theft by finding (diaries 1977-2002) by david sedaris. i've seen his holiday essays downstairs at dead wax and held off on buying it because it wasn't around the holidays yet and it's an ugly copy and hardcover so i might get the slightly nicer looking paperback from thriftbooks. tomorrow is for chores. i'm going to finish the docuseries i'm watching. it's my first adam curtis. bye bye :)

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ok i totally just did what flounder user @james did and mistakenly deleted my entire journal. that's ok though cuz i was gonna do that on january 1st, 2026. i guess you all will never know what i was thinking on november 24th, 2025

rest in peace