12/3/25

deleting insta off of my phone again. I spent all morning making music finished a track at like 1pm and then scrolled for nearly 2 hours straight oops and then started loosing my fucking mind so yea fuck that

getting into the band passion pit

12/1/25

EVERONE GO TO PIMBLL TON IGNT

Update: I don’t think I’m going to pinball tonight

11 14 25

last night I learned how to have sex tonight I learn how to make bassvictim type beats

11 8 25

alright I see the steps now fuckit lets ball

11 7 25

another Friday night where I kinda just rot by myself and waste my 20s. Fine whatever I’ve wasted most of my life anyway it’s not like I even care anymore lol.

It feels like the depth of unrealized repressed dissatisfaction I had in life before I came out is just sitting in front of me now. I can’t stop not doing anything about it, but I don’t really know what to do; and I worry that I am not strong enough to do it.

9/8/25

It’s funny how almost every time I consider not going to pinball those are like the most magical nights. had some really wonderful convos w really wonderful people. Feeling very blessed <3 <3 I luv u all omg !!!

Aug 21 2025

Is there something transgendered about feeling in a hellish state of inbetween on both the smallest and largest scale. I say yes! Everything feels suspended; and it has for some time. I just want my shoulders to relax. I still feel touch starved.

I got my estrogen levels back from blood test earlier this week. 106 pg/ml. That’s exciting, I don’t know what it was before but the chart said “ABNORMAL” in bright orange and that amused me. like yea bro i know i actually did that on purpose.

Been trying to make music again recently and struggling. Wanting to collaborate with other artists but also wondering if my confidence is too low for that atm :/

I like how everyone on here writes about positive stuff. For some reason I can only bring myself to write on here negatively. oops

7/23/25

recently I have felt touch starved and lonely despite having wonderful friends around me and this further proves my point that there is something fundamentally wrong with me lol. or not. probably more something about having to get better at communicating my needs and learning how to pursue avenues that would see to these things being satisfied. thinking about my problems this way feels new. i still have the impulse to catastrophize and self destruct because I will never be capable of being loved and all that blah blah blah; but now it feels like a soft suggestion and not an all-consuming fantasy that drives all my decision making

yeesh

jul 27

Ive applied for a bunch of jobs over the last few days and I have just been waiting for them to respond. I feel terrible. all I have done yesterday is smoke weed and doom scroll. actually that's a lie, I made a fair amount of music both days which has felt good. I really hope one of these jobs writes back soon I need money. i feel fucking terrible. since I am still not working for at least a few more days id like to hang out with people and get out of my god forsaken house but also please lmk awhile beforehand cuz im kinda slow tbh

gonna try writing creatively more, not today tho. I wonder if it would help me develop my more narratively driven music ideas. these are not practical or tangible or even normal ideas but strange objects that entered my Brian while I wasn't paying attention and I don't know how to get them out. its frustrating and I feel held back by it. whatever. I don't care.

2 months on estrogen came up the other day. that's cool. no obvious physical changes I don't think.....but my breasts are constantly sore and kinda hard sometimes but then soft later lol. I haven't felt suicidal in a long time but growing boobs is a really good reason to not die tbh. e has also made it very obvious that for years my approach was just to disassociate as much as possible which I guess I still do some of that. but there are times where it really is like damn I guess I do actually gotta show up for myself because I certainly was not before :/ ....

if you read all this god bless