11-12-25

im like, autistically excited that this cool girl™ ik dm'd me last night cause I really want to be friends with her

does anyone else get what im talking about? its like a friend crush? like yes she's pretty but its not that I want to date her I just think we could be really good friends? ok hopefully that happens.

I have noticed though that sometimes these friend crushes (idk what else to call them, ive heard some people call them "squish") they tend to blind me with rose colored glasses much like romantic crushes do

lowkey kind of embarrassing and very NOT cool girl™ of me, but yeah I get friend crushes a lot! and then sometimes im so excited to be that person's friend that I forget to pay attention to all of their qualities and not just the ones I think are sooo cool.

unfortunately I have mommy and daddy issues, so getting "chosen" is still something that excites the little kid in me and then adult me has to be like ok but like, are they a good person, do they treat us well, etc etc...

ok i think that's all the oversharing im going to do rn.

love ya <3

10-12-25

damn we are like halfway through December, and the year is over and then a new year starts again woah its like all moving so fast.

I am trying to get my life together at the condo so I have been cleaning out my closet bc I scheduled a carpet cleaning for Saturday morning to force myself to do this lol

so far its working, bc I got rid of three bags of crap out of my closet last night and that is just the beginning of the journey. I have totes under my bed that I need to go through and I am actually pretty excited to get things better organized.

I love getting rid of clutter, and things I don't need.

I started from the bottom of the closet and plan to work my way upwards.

As I was going through my closet, I found my ex-wife's college diploma (again) last time I found it I was moving into my condo and it made it into one of my boxes. When I pulled it out I decided to text her and ask if she wanted it back, we had not spoken in two years at that point. She texted me back fairly quickly and let me know that I could get rid of it.

It's a strange feeling! I still think about her at times, but for the most part I feel like that wound is more of a scar now. I decided that I felt good enough to go ahead and actually get rid of it. I did a little brujeria bc the physical item is not just that, but an emotional piece of my life that has now passed.

I put part of the diploma in my white candle to burn away any residual energy and feelings and guess what! The dang candle would not go out, the fire just kept getting bigger and hotter and hotter!! mind you, I was doing this ritual indoors.

I had to act quickly and take the fire out to the back porch, I thought this would let it calm down and go out but I was wrong. I was worried the glass holder I had it in would shatter from the heat because the wax was BUBBLING! Finally I threw some flour in it and it snuffed the fire but the container was still so hot. I could smell the flour cooking in the wax.

Wow... all of that to say, it definitely was not easy for either of us to let go of each other and while I feel that part of my life is scarred over the memories and pain of 8 years together was very intense. The love was intense. The changes I went through and the person I am today is incredibly different.

I remember when we first got divorced, I was so sad and I hoped that we would run into each other here and there and maybe that someday we could sit down and speak honestly with each other about the whole thing but this never happened as of yet.

In fact, I've never once ran into my ex wife since the last time we visited court to finalize the divorce. I still remember that day. I had just returned from a month in Chile and I received a letter from the courts that some of our paperwork was filled out incorrectly and that we would have to visit the courthouse at the same time to correct it and finalize the divorce.

She pulled up in the parking lot after me on an early Monday morning. The courthouse was not open just yet, and she invited me to sit in her car and smoke together. We did and it felt like old times for a minute. We finally went inside and got a number, they told us it would be about 1.5 hrs until our turn so she asked if I wanted to get breakfast.

I don't know why, but I said yes. We sat at First Watch and discussed our relationship and both agreed - if we had to do it all over again, we would.

Back at the courthouse, the lady notarizing our documents was surprised to find out they were for a divorce. Maybe because we weren't glaring at each other or arguing, I'm not sure. She then started telling us about how sometimes people divorce and re marry and how she herself was still very good friends with her ex husband from 20 years ago.

Hearing her say that kind of hurt me inside, because I knew that I could not remain friends with my ex wife if I wanted to heal and move on. Even though she had been my best friend and lover for almost a decade. What a great grief to feel, the loss of someone who has known you in ways that nobody else will ever know that version of me.

They say it takes half the time of the relationship to "get over" the relationship. Our divorce was finalized in 2022, so I guess in one more year I should be fully cured. Hooray!

I still wonder if someday I'll run into her. St Louis is small, but I guess the universe has not felt it necessary that we cross paths. I don't know what I would say, if anything, to her. Perhaps just a nod of acknowledgement if our eyes met across the grocery store? Would she talk to me?

I guess I might never know.

& I don't really think I need to.

///////

9-12-25

what is it about you that is so appealing to me

the physical hurt

and does this have a connection to the appeal of the

emotional

mental turmoil

a pretty girl all tied up

the way you squeeze your eyes tighter when I pull the rope

the way your mouth opens ready for me

watching your beautiful shiny hair shake about following my rhythms

I can smell that Chanel mixing with your sweat

the way you struggle to catch your breath

is there a connection to being glued into a toxic situation

does my brain get the same chemicals

im not a scientist but I do live here inside my body

sometimes its easier to not chase any of this at all

so I stay by myself

will I ever be safe in your pursuit?

im not so sure

but I do crave you

and every now and again

I remember the pleasure that comes with you

I love you

- pain

*

8-12-2025

fashion show was so fun!

my dad has arrived at my aunties and im curious to know about that situation.

housewarming gift I chose was - fancy cheese, crostini, and a lovely orange infused olive oil from my favorite local spot

weekend was so busy but full of great friends and so much fun

also I killed the look for the fashion show, which made me so happy

afterwards we all went for a drink with M & their parents they are such nice people

ive become more accustomed to seeing people with loving good parents, in the past it has been such a trigger for me. I am now an independent agent. weird but freeing in a lot of ways.

work

not sure if ill make pinball tn

love u guys

bye

06-12-25

i am supposed to get up early and go to the dmv but its 130am rn so not sure if ill be doing all that in the morning

i have a housewarming at 1 for which i still need to find a gift... and then later on at night lesbian event with a friend.

i should probably actually go to bed

got jets pizza and a pack of joints chatted with my pal on the couch

cutie came to do some work on my house

life is good

05-12-25

getting right to business. after confronting my father, he responded by breaking down my message into parts and responding to each part and answering them individually by manipulating the situation, ignoring my feelings, and using his christianity as an excuse for his inaction. - no surprises there.

he went low, and I took it to hell.

I came back at him with receipts of his shitty behavior and lack of accountability, then I sent his shitty response to his mom (my grandma), his sisters (my aunties), and let them know what a POS he is being. they are pissed and are planning to confront him face to face on my behalf when he goes to town for christmas. LOL can't wait to hear about that fr. then I blocked him on all platforms.

I was also able to successfully get my paperwork for my totaled car filled out by a c0p as required FINALLY $LMPD is USELESS unless you harass their asses.

anywayssss... I cleared up those things and tonight G is coming over to install a sliding door for roomie so we no longer have to use a curtain to create privacy for him. It will be nice for everyone to have a more permanent solution and allow him better privacy. G does great work so im excited to see how this turns out.

this weekend I am so busy as per usual, I am most excited to hang out with my best friend and also to go to another friend's fashion show where her amazing pieces will be displayed. I am nervous about what kind of outfit to wear to that but excited to get to play in my closet and figure it out. perhaps a bit of thrifting might be in the forecast

also in the forecast seems to be more snow on Sunday which is am very much NOT excited about. I freaking hate the snow it messes with my plans and I hate driving in it!!!!

back to the thing with my dad - I thought I would be sad but more than sad I feel free and liberated. I feel like the shackles I was living in under his conditional love have finally been broken.

there comes a time when you finally see your parents as adults from an adult perspective instead of seeing them as flawless and amazing as their kid. now I never saw my dad as flawless and amazing, I knew he was not perfect bc I am autistic- pattern recognition. he would preach to not judge people while judging them, he was a huge hypocrite and he also abandoned me at 5 yo in a different country. I chose to be the bigger person bc I wanted to have him in my life SO bad. well now I realize it's simply not worth it. goodbye sir - exit stage left.

as much as I enjoy putting grown men in their place including my sperm donor and my womb provider, it is sad that I am officially orphaned now.

<3

04-12-25

so last nite was weird cause my stalker/abuser found out somehow that I posted a venting post about them and it got back to me that they were questioning why I was calling them abusive - laughable right and then I recalled that after I escaped them they were harassing me by phone and I told them they were an abusive liar and their response was "I am not abusive" so I guess they truly believe what they did to me was not abuse? or maybe they are in denial? idk... Jesus

it was stressful and I was lowkey worried to go home after work cause I still live in the same place that they know and they have popped up at my place before so I was concerned but it was fine they did not harass me (wow the bar for being fine is so low)

anyways I felt like so triggered and the memories kept flooding my brain it was like torture fr.

I tried to regulate my system and I think I did ok. I am taking a break from thc currently but I did smoke a cigarette on my walk with my dog girl at night in the cold and omg I think it fixed me. I made some yummy dinner to share with roomie, but he was "very horizontal" his words not mine - so he took it for lunch today and I hope he likes it!

then it was walking my pup and the ciggie with my headphones playing TV Girl which I am so obsessed with rn as well as Current Joys - go listen to them! and then I came back inside and did some tarot which shed light on things I already knew but it was nice to be confirmed.

lastly I chose to go ahead and confront my father (wow I did this all in 1 day) and tell him how ive been feeling that I need to distance myself from him and how hurtful he has been with his political and religious agenda as well as being inconsiderate in his communications with me, he did respond even though it was late at night and said thanks for being honest with me and it is late rn but we will talk tomorrow and good bless you (eye roll).

soooo yeah rough night guys ngl.

today I am feeling better although I do have a bit of anxiety waiting for my father to contact me and wondering what he will say and how he will handle my honesty. my dad historically has been pretty receptive to confrontation so I do think we can have a civil conversation but that doesn't mean the outcome will be good or agreeable for me in any way. I guess my hope is that we can at least continue to have a decent relationship but right now it feels very fractured.

my social calendar has been overflowing all year and I guess I cannot complain since I had it up on my vision board that I would like to make more friends and do more stuff with them - be careful what you wish for I guess!

I accidentally over scheduled myself and had to cancel on my best friend and I really felt so bad, although we see each other at least once or more per week. he is understanding and patient but its the second time I have accidentally done that so UGH I beat myself up over it.

this weekend I have a doggie playdate, a fashion show, got invited to a friends DJ set, and a lesbian event. I guess that's why I never feel a true reset after the weekends cause I can't seem to chill LOL

coming up I will be visiting my big sis in TX for xmas. I am actually very excited bc I love her so much and I can't wait to see my nephews. idk what to get any of them for gifts except my nephews cause I just googled "coolest toy 2025" and bought them jurassic park hatching Dino eggs.

ok love ya bye

03-12-25

hellllllooooo

im feeling like super overwhelmed and anxious, and I don't want to deal with anyone or anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wanna go home

I haven't responded to any of my texts or anything. Still contemplating if I should go for a flip phone again but I need my maps.. guess I could get one of those little dashboard navigators?

Anyways I can't even fathom anymore issues at the moment, pls hold we are currently at capacity.

</3

computer fastest way to get my dad back to normal after redpill weirdos infested his beliefs

computer?

01-12-25

new month who dis

I don't really have anything to say right now except I am actually glad to be back at work

life feels real when im here bc other people are around me and there is a routine and schedules and deadlines

when im off from work for a while I feel like I lose sense of time and reality (probably not normal but ill deal with that later thx) and at times its so comforting and fun bc I hate keeping track of time, but then I start to wonder what's next and then I spiral

so I guess having a job I don't hate is really nice and probably good for my mental right now

I really like my coworkers, they are so nice to me and we have pleasant interactions throughout the day

also would like to add that something in my brain chemistry has changed

they say that your frontal lobe develops when you're 25, but later if you are neurodivergent so I am wondering if perhaps my frontal lobe has finally finished cooking right now at 30ish

I feel like my head is an easy bake oven and im waiting for that lightbulb to cook the brownie all the way down to the center. I like a gooey brownie center but probably not a gooey frontal lobe

I have been working on my writing projects and also my artsy projects and that feels really nice I love it

I tried to make an appointment with my old therapist and they are completely booked and that makes me wanna cry for 16 years bc I love him he is the best therapist ever and we had a very solid established trust and now I have to give all my lore to a new person UGH

ok anyways ... love ya

29-11-25

i haven't updated this in 4 days and it feels like 1000 years

last night was roomies bday and so i drove to the bar and drank a lot so i took a rideshare home.. today i go get car car no start we try jumping car car still dont start :( idk whats wrong with it bc the battery is fairly new so im concerned it might be a bigger issue

the party however was epic and i had so much fun! roomie says he enjoyed his bday a lot as well so yay!

i really love being able to make sure people have a good birthday, i think birthdays are so important

my thanksgiving was so nice and i got to share it with some beautiful people and made a new friend as well

i love when people own their story and their life and decide to not be miserable on the holidays!! yay cause you deserve better!

so when i made my last vision board, i put on there that i wanted a group of friends that Marsha P Johnson would be friends with and now i am friends with so many trans folx ha! everything always works out just how i want--how neat! lovely lovely friends that i have <33

the first snow has fallen today and it was cute but i hate the snow so much fr it irks me so bad. i am already cold all the time so this doesn't help, and then i hate driving in icy conditions cause its so scary! i dont want to hit anyone or hurt anyone on accident :( it makes me so anxious

umm ok thats all for now

love u bye

25-11-25

had to skip pinball last nite cause too many to-do's on the list yanno?

anyways got all my to-do's to-done ✓

had to return the plates of my new car to the very kind person who i got it from since i was finally able to get legalized and plated in the morning, when i went to take off the plate it required two different kind of screwdrivers

as a former lesbian you would think i owned several screwdrivers but that is simply not the case, so then i had to go to the store and change the plate in the parking lot and go drop that off

then i had to go back to store for missing items from my grocery list for thanksgiving

lastly i finally got back home and watched my current hyperfixation show (the beast in me) and prepared mac n chz for today's friendsgiving with the poker gals

one time i was talking to this dude whom i thought maybe i could be pals with and when i mentioned the poker gals he said it was "so hot" that i played poker with the girls and so i immediately got the ick and got up and walked away without a word

god forbid a person has hobbies bc they like them instead of bc dudes might find them hot *throwing up emoji*

anyways work is like weird rn cause what is there to do during these weird in between the holidays days? not much cause everyone is too busy thinking about the holiday

ok love ya bye

24-11-25

its monday folks

got my new car all legal and plated up

mechanic checked it out and said shes in stellar condition

what more could a person ask for?

i'm hosting an orphans thanksgiving this year, for the second time

what is orphans thanksgiving? its me cooking and opening up my home for people who prefer not to go "home" or maybe don't have anywhere to go and don't want to be by themselves.

its finicky preparing for this, because i never really know how many people will come through

the thing is the holiday season and familial relationships bring up complicated feelings

some folks feel embarrassed that they have nowhere to go, some feel too sad to go anywhere and just would rather be sad at home alone, some say they will come and don't and some say they won't and then they do...

all of which i completely understand and relate to so i can't be upset but i will say it makes planning stressful lol

when i first started this idea i had a little group of sibs who were planning to come but just today they've told me they changed their minds and they are going to hang out with just them. it made me a little sad but then i realized, i am happy for them. i want everyone to be able to do what they would like and makes them happy. besides, i still have other folks to get ready for :)

i love cooking and it makes it even better when i get to cook for other people that i love and care about!!!

i am excited, i feel so loved, and i hope i can pass that on to the people attending through my food and the warmth my home will provide them. if u wanna join text/dm/smoke signal me.

<3

20-11-25

its thursday and im thinking about how cool it is that i have so many trans friends

its a new pocket of the universe for me and im having a very eye opening time enjoying it

do i like to use periods? sometimes.

@james if i ran out of clean undies i think i would go without. can't help you on the webbed toes thing cause mine are individual.

its pretty rare (occurs once every 2k-3k births)

thinking about how i shouldn't have drank last night when i went out with my friends bc now my head hurts and my tummy hurts and i didn't pack my lunch. i did have a lot of fun though

lately im thinking about getting a gayer haircut

reading more than one book at once has slowed me down on both of them a lot, and maybe im a 1 book at a time kind of person.

ive also kind of had a writing block for a while. usually my writing ebbs and flows but im always doing it and i have stopped working on my projects for a while

not sure how i feel about it but i have feelings about it

have you ever heard of alexithymia? well i have that and they mentioned it in one of the books im reading and i felt so seen

ok love u bye

19-11-25

howdy folks!

ive been blessed by the car gods and i am back on the road. i feel so happy and grateful. everyone say hi to miss kay, the 2002 subaru legacy. she is absolutely epic and came with a glass hummingbird hanging from the rearview mirror.

she cranks hard and is not a lesbian unfortunately but just a bi curious old white lady. i say this bc that is the person who owned it originally and the cars namesake. i feel that miss kay's spirit rides with me wherever i go. thanks miss kay.

today i put up all the christmas decor at work, bc everyone said i seemed happy so i should put that cheer into the decor. felt like elf. it was so wonderful. i love christmas so much.

now that i have a car i have my freedom and independence back and man you cannot put a price on that. even better my car is so sick and awesome. best car ever fr. i love her so much!

i will never shut up please invite me everywhere bc i am coming!!!

beep beep honk honk vroom vroom

xoxoxo

14-11-25

my boss' husband brought her flowers to work and it was super cute and wholesome she was so shy and embarrassed

the coffee was nice

Sofia is showing signs of decline :(

no real concrete plans this weekend (yet)

good day at work

new couch who dis

leaving soon...

:-)

13-11-25

@pupdog01 i will be glued to your travel journal cause im excited about this trip for you so much!!<3

i love flounder and i love my friends

last night we hung out at my place and had a little makeover moment for my roomie although i went to bed before they finished so i did not see results yet

my new couch should arrive tn im excited to have a place to sit and chill besides my bed

also handy person is coming to see about doing some stuff to make the apartment better and nicer (yay)

i am grateful that i have great friends and a decent job and life is like normal and very even keeled rn

being stable and safe can feel so boring when youre used to survival and chaos and im learning to be thankful for the boring times

ok have a great day <3

--

yesterday my big sis and i were talking about something ive been grieving for a couple of years now. it weighs heavy on me and sometimes there are reminders of what i have lost here and there.

in the past my sis and i weren't really that close to where we would talk about this kind of thing and im thankful that we now are. at the end of the convo, my sis said that she hopes one day i will have back what i had wanted so badly before and lost. the way she said it and it was just what i needed in that moment made me cry on the metro. she's usually not one to be in her feelings, much less for others and definitely never for herself.

the tears came, i think, bc of many reasons. feeling seen and understood by my sister, the fact that she felt her feelings and reached out to connect with me on that. the fact that she feels safe and connected to herself and to me enough that she expressed it outwardly. anyways, that was cool. silver linings of grief.

:-)

11-12-25

yesterday evening was so good

my bestie came to pick me up after work

cause i dont drive anymore (RE: my car crash 4mos ago)

anyways we went to go eat soup dumplings and when we pulled up to the restaurant we remembered its closed on tuesdays :'(

sad sad but then we decided to go eat cuban food instead

the food was amazing its one of my fave restaurants!

then we obvi had to get a sweet treat so we went for ice cream at another one of our favorite spots and i got my good ole trusty autism same flavor i always get

after that we went to my house bc i had received my fireplace that i ordered online and my bestie put it together for me with my moral support (i don't like building stuff)

we hung out and chatted and had some quality bestie time so i cant complain

sofia and i played ball a bunch and it was a fun evening

then i went to sleep all nice and cozy with my fireplace :-)

hope youre having a great day

<3

11-11-25

hello flounder

how are you today?

did you eat? do you like coffee?

are you at work now? me too

the morning was fantastic although it was chilly outside, i bundled up and took a walk bc i was mentally so overwhelmed by the idea of being cold but then @pupdog01 and i were talking about walking in the winter a few weeks ago and they said something along the lines of "its nice to get bundled up and go for a walk" and it just shifted my mental about it.

So now walking to the metro in the cold is not such a big deal bc its just getting bundled up and going for a walk. <3

isn't it crazy how things can change from one moment to another and you could ask for anything in the world and maybe the world gives it to you. and sometimes we dont even remember that we asked for that thing and we get it and we forget to look at how grateful we should be for it? well i try my best not to forget these days

im thankful for an incredible amount of things in my life!!! and im going to subscribe to the idea of pronoia everyday and keep asking for more things that make me smile love and feel

i always thought that being a sensitive person was such a curse. like that heartbreak was killing me and i was dying so many times over and over but its made me a caring loving person and i love that about me, yes sometimes life hurts so bad but for every action there is a reaction, no?

as above so below. so anyways that means i can also experience beautiful loving joyful things to a different level that some people might never even understand, what a privilege!

so you can be mean or hurt me but i will smile and love and explode with joy many more times than you could even imagine and if thats the trade off well i guess they dealt me in just right

I LOVE YOU! have a terrific tuesday

<33 -wynn

10-11-25

DAMN IT

my freaking phone crashed

shoutout to my roomie for waking me up for work

since i couldn't use the alarm on my phone :(

i guess youll be seeing me with a new phone soon

not that i really want to do that but i guess i have

no choice now

maybe ill just get one of those basic flippy ones

anyways i am unreachable if you want me to know something then you'll have to tell me in person or email me

aldialarcon95@gmail.com

funny cause i literally was recently joking around and saying maybe from now on ill only give people my email - be careful what you wish for, i guess haha

xoxoxo

09-11-25

sadly my weekend was derailed by a face to face encounter with my abuser on friday

she spotted me sitting alone on the bar patio and i guess decided it would be a good idea to come talk to me

god bless it

anyways, am in recovery from that very triggering situation and unfortunately it caused me to spiral.. tbh i drank way too much after that as a poor coping mechanism (recognizing... also giving myself grace)

and so well im so disappointed that it made me spiral so much that i did not see my friends i did not go bowling i did not go to poetry time i did not do anything else bc i was just kind of frozen and very hungover

sorry to the people i had to cancel on

besides that, i did spend a lot of time in my bed, on my laptop

and i finally brought myself to order some things for my house.. i ordered a couch and that fireplace tv stand ive been eyeballing for about a year

i got a cool rug too and it has arrived today. the rest of my things should be arriving as the week goes on

i spoke with my bestie, and he was so kind and reassuring that he doesnt hate me for canceling bowling

ive also been lookin at buying another car however i haven't convinced myself on that yet. i think the chill in the air will probably convince me otherwise soon.

i lit a candle on the altar and prayed to my ancestors today. i also made soup and will be doing some recovery self care today. perhaps ill be able to bring myself to take sofia on a walk in this crazy wind. i can see she's bored and i feel so bad that ive been too drained to play with her much.

i dont like being sad and i dont like that it takes me so long to recover from this type of things but i am trying my best.

i am trying my best.

07-11-25

yooooo flounder wsp

so many things going on this weekend and so many things going on internally

mostly good and happy thoughts and feelings and i love my friends so much

thank god for pinball club amirite

to all my pinball cuties: my life would not be the same without you, im so glad i met every single one of you, im so glad we are friends

i had an existential crisis after smoking some crazy shit earlier this week. i was alone at my apartment and i felt like i lost my grip on reality for a moment, but at the same time it was a veil lifted and i saw actual reality - there were some hard truths about myself and my life that i had been ignoring and/or putting off. i was forced to face these things during this episode.

i think i am on the verge of some big changes in my life, things that are inevitable. i am excited and scared to do these things but ive been here before, this is familiar territory.

i wonder sometimes if one of the purposes of this life is to go through this cycle of reinvention over and over. its kind of a sort of evolution if you will; and each time it happens i become more aware, and wiser to the ways i can handle it.

im finally turning this cycle for the umpteenth time and have realized that i am much more in control than i thought i was. the first time something like this happened to me i didn't even know it was happening. god was that a grueling time. the difference between me fighting this the first time to now being aware at the first sign of this cycle beginning, and knowing not only how to drive the changes but how to take advantage of it in a way that benefits me makes me feel so great!!!

i won't lie to you friends, its honestly never easy to go through the reinvention but ive never ended up worse than before it happens so i guess thats the part thats exciting.

im ready to do what i need to so that this time around i dont flounder (pun intended)

anyways

how are you doing?

<3 wynnnnnnn

05-11-25

boss makes a dollar

i make a dime

thats why i flounder

on company time

04-11-25

super serious stuff going on at work today

they got a coffee truck to come out and we get free unlimited coffee for an hour and a half, so thats pretty cool

brought strawberry cupcakes to pinball last night, totally delicious and worth it. if you have any ideas or inspo for what baked good i should bring next time feel free to let me know and i will consider it.

favorite hyperfixation snack rn is a salty crunchy cracker with a thin slice of a juicy sweet apple and a bit of fresh parmesan cheese (the real kind not the stuff in the green shake container although i have nothing against that chz i love it too), trust me don't knock it till you try it

feeling normal in the mornings bc i walk to the metro station and the sun is already out, lovely. however in the evenings when i arrive on my street it is almost pitch black and thats so depressing. it makes me want to crawl right into bed after work but i know i cannot do this it would be a death sentence

i have a few plans here and there to keep myself busy, social, and remember that there is more to life than darkness and my bed def not as much socialization as i did in the summer though.

what are your favorite things to do in the winter? i would like to take up some new hobbies possibly. i like to sew, and i used to know how to crochet but i havent done it in so long i forgot how.

i enjoy baking and being in the kitchen in general when its cold and dark bc the kitchen is warm and nice and then you are rewarded with whatever yummy thing that you made

i wish i was getting ready to go on my trip instead of just being at work but i guess sometimes things happen for a reason? (idk i think i need to believe that rn).

anywayssss

not sure what i want to do for the holidays, i planned to have my orphan's thanksgiving but im not so sure i have it in me to do this. i kind of want to be bymyself

i am so excited for christmas though, i love christmas. i never really had a good one growing up so i try to make my adult ones better. i just really love hearing jingle bells and feeling magic all around bc i really do feel it.

i have traditions that i keep with myself on christmas, and i can't wait to get a christmas tree!! i love decorating and i love christmas music and i love everything about christmas. dont care much about expensive gifts but i love a homemade one :^)

also love kissin' under the mistletoe! so underrated tbh.

okay bye have a good day

<3

03-11-25

its monday and im thinking so much about how its one thing to know that you should do something, and a completely different thing to understand the context and why you should do it

im no stronger than the next guy. my brain is just as dumb and responsive to pleasures of life even when i know its wrong. i think sometimes i have better control over myself than others. what do you do when nothing works anymore though

and im too tired to try to find new ways. i guess ill enjoy what i have and once the enjoyment is gone i will take the next step

but enjoyment is a strong word cause i dont much enjoy things anymore, not the way i used to

my world has changed so much my life is a big "?" to me sometimes

i have no idea how to explain it and no idea who would understand if i could. so there are some major gaps there yeah?

but i wont fall into it, im not gonna let it eat me up. im gonna sit here right by it and give myself grace until i figure it out.

<3

02-11-25

halloween night was so fun!

spent way too much time in line. yelled at a guy who cut in line. finally get inside, my friends bought me all my drinks. God Bless those friends that buy you drinks.

my ex used to always complain about standing in line and buying me drinks and now i have friends (and lovers) who would fight over the opportunity to do so. funny how life switches up no?

danced, saw the lesbians, whipped some people with my catwoman whip. felt so empowered and sexy all night long. loved prowling the streets with my whip dancing along the ground behind me.

--

spend the next day at home, cooking, baking, cleaning a lot. i rearranged my closet - thing which i had put off for far too long. switched my curtains to the winter ones and weather proofed my room.

took sofia on a nice long walk, all the way around the long way that we like to take. lit a candle and prayed for my ancestors on day of the dead. washed my hair and took care of my skin.

i am ready for my next week that is coming up. i feel good about where things are right now. i still have a lot more goals but i feel that i am well on my way to accomplishing the things i want.

my dad is trying to be close to me again. i answer his texts but dont delve into any kind of close convos like we used to have anymore. i just dont think he deserves access to me and my inner world in that way anymore.

its nice being an adult who understands how to put boundaries and limits on things. i suffer far less now than i used to. people pleasing recovery is so important. i know i am nowhere near perfect, i have and always will have so much work left to do.

compared to myself a year ago though, i am doing so much better. i am trying to figure out how to keep myself from getting depressed this winter. i am really going to try my best. having wonderful friends definitely helps.

am i blabbing now? ok time to go.

goodnight

<3

31-10-25

happy halloween!!!

I am so excited to put on my costume tonight and go out with my pals!

halloween is so much fun. I am going to be catwoman and my friends are Harley Quinn and the joker (sexy)

they are gender bending their characters which is even better

-

a bit sad bc I had been dating a cutie lately who now has gone exclusive with someone else and so we cannot see each other anymore :(

I think I am also realizing that im not sad bc of the loss of being able to see this person (specifically) anymore, but more realizing that maybe I wanted something more than just a fleeting connection with someone. I did not think I was ready for that or that I wanted it but I guess I do.. time to explore those feelings ig

anyways im ready to be hot and drunk tn.

xo wynn

30-10-25

its Thursday and im thinking about how sometimes I know things and I don't even know how I know them

sometimes I predict things and I don't know how I knew

and I always get what I want

I have this ball of energy.. I guess, idk exactly how to explain it

and inside the energy sometimes I wonder about things

I wonder if they are right for me

these things call to me

and then they happen?

sometimes I dream about it and then it happens in real life

and don't get me wrong, I never predicted winning lottery numbers

or what stocks to invest in. sometimes the predictions have nothing

to do with me at all and they are about other people

sometimes I know who the people are, or I can figure it out with the

context clues in the energy ball

I know it sounds so insane, trust me I have a hard time wrapping my

own head around it

but its true and its real. and today I had a feeling about something...

and its good news.

xoxo wynn xoxoxo

29-10-25

its Wednesday my dudes

its such a weird feeling when my pals aren't doing well

everyone deals with things so differently

I have friends who want to chat about everything

all the time - good or bad

and then there are my friends who isolate

and never want to reveal a single shred of

themselves to anyone (I get it)

I try to balance out caring for others with also caring for myself

gotta watch out out there ya know

my date from last night was super lovely fr.

I think we vibed really well and I enjoyed spending time with them

I just asked them this morning if they would like to hang out again on

Saturday so im waiting to see what they will say

ive been trying to learn from my feelings

I think step 1 was learning feelings

step 2 was realizing what the feelings were and where they were

and step 3 rn is what the feelings tell me

for example I heard once that jealousy is an indicator of what you want

so if I feel jealousy I pay attention to what it is telling me that I want bc

tbh I struggle to know what I want a lot so its actually super helpful

maybe that is common sense to you but it was not to me

I can't decided what I want to do for lunch

I usually always bring my lunch bc I don't want

to spend money every single day

on buying it - I have financial goals ya know

anyways ill ttyl

<3

28-10-25

feeling a little more normal at work today

been reading a lot of books

rearranged my room last night for winter

my bed is further away from the windows now

sometimes i think about my old boss who taught me

how to write a professional email when i was 19

it still influences the way i write today

she hated me cause she was r@c!st

going on a date later

thinking about what i want to wear

i love the sweater im wearing rn at work

yeah thats all i got

happy tuesday pals

<3 wynnnnnn <3

27-10-25

weirdddd feeling today

miss my big sis she was in the ER this weekend (she's ok)

feeling very much like life isn't really real

not sure what's coming next

scare and weirded out of the possibilities

brain feels funny

coming to work today actually feels stabilizing and not like death

(that's weird) I def debated staying home today

watched scary movie last night with my pals that was cool

my Lyft driver on the way home played super creepy music in the car

isn't it weird that we call strangers from the internet to get us

at all hours of the day & night and then they just know where we live ?

am I really a real person

and why

and do I have to be?

hmmm...

23-10-25

my big sis in getting mouth surgery as we speak rn

she's had so much health stuff and I am nervous when it happens bc

she lives in another state

I love/hate that we live so far from each other

often she will ask me if I would move "home" as in near her

but I hated Texas and its horrible to immigrants, trans folk, and women

all of which are me

I hate that I couldn't take the boys to school for her today

while she got her surgery

I hate that I can't babysit

I hate that I barely know my youngest nephew

most of all I hate that I can't be there for her in a

physical way like she was always there for me when I was little

--

on another note, I feel less depressed rn

just for now though its very up and down these days

daylight savings will switch again soon and that never helps

not looking forward to that

I feel like I need to get out a lot

out of my house

out of my head

out of my own thoughts and feelings

and into my body

but my body is not real to me sometimes

I dress it up with cute stuff I find

sometimes my boobs up to my chin and a full face of makeup

sometimes baggy pants, bound chest, and my hair haphazardly thrown into a bun

I always love what I see in the mirror

and if I don't I learn to love it

one day last week someone made me feel a lot of shame about my tattoos

and I was worried it wouldn't go away

but then a different person reassured me and I stopped the spiral just in time

what if I had shaved all my tattoos off my skin?!

by the way I have many tattoos (for u who doesn't know me irl)

I have many on my right arm

on my leg

my chest

and my throat

and I want MORE

MORE

MORE

one time my father asked my why I got tattoos

and why I continue to get more

it was with a kind of judgy-curiosity

and at the time I didn't know what to respond

but nowadays I realize

I think its a way of making my body mine

I think I started bc I need to feel ownership over myself

and little by little I discover things that make me

more me, and make me belong to me

does that make sense?

owning my sense of style,

the way my hair looks and how to take care of it

I do a ritual in the shower every single time

I wash my hair and my body

I play my favorite music

I caress my skin with soap and talk to my body

I tell my body

I love you

thank you for always carrying me through everything

please behave

I love you

I love you

I love you

and it works!

and I wash away all my bad thoughts and insecurities

and I put a spell on it and make sure

im protected

and I do it everyday

not long ago, the last time I was SA'd

I got into a salt bath after I got them out of my house

and I cried

I scrubbed all my body and I sat there until I couldn't cry anymore

and then I took a shower

I was so angry and I felt so betrayed by this person

but I tried to leave it all in there and let it wash down the drain

then I blocked them on everything

and I woke up to a looooong message from their partner

telling me I was in the wrong.

life is so weird

</3 wynn~~~

18-10-25

gloomy saturday, in the best way

me and fia lay in the bed snuggling

getting up for snacks

watching a movie by the window

earlier she rested her head on the windowsill and just people watched until she passed out it was so adorable

debating whether i want to order overpriced food or get up and actually cook some real food - still on the fence

new tattoo healing super well

had a fun time last night getting dinner & drinks and watching the new Keanu Reeves movie, it was so hilarious i loved it

ready to watch some real spooky stuff cause i wanna get scared

deleted my apps and thought omg now ill be alone 4ever

but then a few people asked me out without the app and i realized

that apps didnt always exist and i was usually not even on them before

also though i was not always hot

this gives me an advantage bc i have a personality

hobbies, friends etc. all things lifelong hotties don't

always have in my experience bc they didnt have to

ok im not dissing lifelong hotties but its just an observation

anyways

im craving a breakfast burrito but i have no salsa ingredients and what is a breakfast burrito without a fresh salsa :(

UGHHHH

k love u <33

16/10/2025

today is boss' day so we gave our bosses gift cards and donuts and then we ate most of the donuts bc I don't think our bosses actually care for them lol

its my nephews bday today and I sent him roblox money hopefully he likes his gift and maybe I get to FaceTime him later

plans are heavy in the coming days. tonight ill see one of my friends and we are going to do some pottery which ive never done before so im excited

last night I watched monster with a different friend and we got shakes and fries YUM

Friday going to the movies. unsure whether its a date or just a friend hang (gay ppl shit we do this too much)

Saturday poetry again and some pozole, Sunday I have a friends lesbian brunch party and then we are back at Monday for pinball...

I love seeing my friends and I love spending time with all these people who like me and care about me and want me to be with them in their spaces and at their events. it makes me feel so warm inside that others enjoy my company

anywayssss

gotta get back to the grind homies.

xoxoxoxoxxxxxoooooXXXOOOO

love u

15/10/2025

am tired of being a person

bored and dissatisfied

want something different

seems like every goal is juuuuustttt right out of reach

when will things change

12/10/2025

i have been really into jazz an extra amount and listening to a lot of 90s spanish rock as well

what a lovely weekend

friday work fiasco was resolved and i received my paycheck yay

then i spent time with friends and we shared some lovely poetry

i have not decided if i will be posting it here yet

after that i went over to my friends costume bday party, and i was catwoman (obv) still need to get a whip for that fit both of these events were so lovely bc i really love my friends so much

then saturday i went to get my new tattoo but showed up too early. "all is well" i thought bc i had brought my poetry journal and so i walked around the corner with plans to get a coffee and sit and write for two hours until i had to go to my actual appointment time (scheduling mix up)

gladly i ran into some friends at the shop and we ended up hanging out all together which was so lovely and the weather was perfect and we walked and talked and laughed and ran into my other pal at the bookstore

eventually i went back and got my tattoo and then had a date in the evening which went really well until the sex part, which was sadly very bad and so oh well i guess- they had a great personality and treated me really well but alas we cannot hope to have it all in one i guess

sunday was a lazy morning but then i ended the day going to the amusement park with my other pals and ran into some friends there too!

i love having a life surrounded by friends and people that i love so much. what a gift truly

lots of laughs, good times and then also a girl i had been crushing on asked me out finally which is so happy and great shes very cute and nice and funny

i put fresh sheets on my bed and took a nice long hot shower after being sweaty on roller coasters all day and my body is a little sore and my tummy is a little bit flip flopped from the roller coasters but i am so happy

and my girl fia ria got a toy bc my friend made me a boo basket and there was a toy for her in it <3

i feel that i am depressed but i am trying my best to utilize my tools and make sure i dont let it drown me like i used to. its a work in progress and also kind of impossible to not be depressed with the things that go on in the world daily but i am trying my best-ish

there were some really aggro dudes on the dating apps EW theyve been blocked

not sure what i want out of dating rn besides just fun cute dates and some making out really, hopefully with someone who actually understands and enjoys kissing in the way i do

i find that we latinos really have a unique sense for physical things i am a passionate person but its hard to find people who i feel are compatible with me and not disappointing in that category

in my experience americans in general find touching so taboo and sex so shameful i think it truly holds a lot of them back from their full potential - if u wanna prove me wrong email me with a date and time

ok love u bye

xoxoxoxoxo

08/10/2025

another day another dollar except not really bc woke up today to no paycheck, thought oh snapppp am I getting fired or something??? then got to work and found out there was a banking error and everyone in the whole school district did not get paid, everyone is PISSED

anyways they are trying to fix it and we should be paid in the next few hours

today I have some fun stuff to do after work and im so excited

got some poems im gonna be sharing soon and excited about that

when I woke up for work the sky was absolutely breathtaking

fell asleep last night at like, 7pm. Fia woke me up to go potty and I took her on a nice long walk and then went right back to sleep after eating my fave Chinese food (corner 17 -iykyk)

anyways pretty good week with things turning around as far as my mood and I am trying to be more aware of myself and how I handle the Big Sad this time around.. I haven't been on meds for a while so if it doesn't go well I might have to hop back on that train

excited that its Friday yayyyyy

ok love u cuties

xoxoxox

08/09/2025

I am once again here doing what feels like screaming into the internet abyss

hEEElllOOOooooOOoooo abyss

well yes the Big Sad is here, seasonally, chronically but last night I spent the evening over at CBGBs with my brother (bestie not bio bro) and I felt so much lighter and happier fr

although I made it home very late and now I am at my big guy job and I am struggling

which made me think, wow this is the first big job I actually have taken seriously bc my bosses are actually great and the environment is nice. I don't get micromanaged and the people in charge actually know what they are doing, or they are faking it well enough that I don't feel annoyed when they tell me what to do

I used to quit jobs over the most minor inconveniences, ive had 2 million jobs but tbh its really not as easy to find a job and get hired as it used to be

really the only thing that could make my job better is if it were remote

however coming in is not so bad bc I have my own little area that I am allowed to decorate and stuff however I want, and everyone is nice and we have an ice machine that makes that sonic ice and im addicted to that and the coffee is decent and free and unlimited

ok anyways back to doing my bookkeeping..

xoxoxo

08/10/2025

the big sad is here

07/10/2025

and time and time again i hold proof that my friends are angels sent from heaven and I will never not believe that

had a few cathartic realizations speaking with James at full moon-lucky's birthday-pinball club last night

and maybe the fact that I haven't really fixed up my condo to be comfy and welcoming is for a reason!!! and its for some deep messed up reasons ... TRIGGER WARNING mentions of SA and lots of sad stuff coming so if u don't wanna read that pls go read something else, k? love u bye...

and if ur still here..

I was SA'd by my ex in my room, in the same room that I currently lay down in every night. in that apartment, where I let them in, where I used to have furniture and I was working on decorating. and then I got rid of it and I sold it on fb marketplace bc we moved in together and one day I was able to escape that abuser and came back to sleep on an air mattress bc I was letting my roomie use my bed so I didn't have to move it...

anyways I did rearrange and redecorate my room very minimally and not in an aesthetic minimalist way but in a i don't really care but I found this in my closet so ill put it up on the wall kind of way.

and im realizing that I deserve things that are good. I deserve a couch and a coffee table, and a tv stand and a nice rug and a lamp and to put holes in the walls and hang my art

I deserve a space where I can have friends over and we all feel comfortable on the couch or even on the floor. I deserve for this space to feel like a home and not like a bad reminder or something I try to stay away from as much as possible.

I want to be proud of my house again. I used to be such a house witch for so long and I had begun nesting in my old home which was the first house I bought, at 22!! (go me) but that also brought trauma along bc as soon as we got some nice furniture and painted, we decided to get a divorce.

well now you really know a lot about me don't ya

so anyways, I moved a lot when I was little and that has also added on to the trauma of settling in anywhere - yes not decorating or getting furniture makes it so easy to run away, to move on, to forget, to flee.

and ive been running and fleeing and moving for as long as I can remember bc my mom did it when I was little and I went to 9 elementary schools. so I guess the running and avoiding just has been natural to me

like could you really blame me for not wanting to settle in in this place, this country that begs people to see transness as terrorism, to belittle and drown us in political bs? in a place where as a naturalized citizen I have to still worry about being deported? how do i make a space for me in that world?

im not from here and im too American to be from there to my people. I am trans nb but present feminine a lot and have been criticized and minimized even by my own community. by my family, by trans folks, by lesbians, never mind the gay white men those are a whole other story honey

I don't know... do I settle in? do I get a couch? haha what a dumb thing to worry about

in conclusion there is no conclusion - the world seems to villainize and hate me at every turn and I have internalized that to the point that my house looks like im squatting there!!! WTF

so maybe ill get a couch and some tables and a tv stand. maybe ill find a rug and haul it up to the third story . maybe ill want better for myself, for the parts of me that feel it isn't worth it to build a home and create a safe space

maybe therapized me will help the part of me that is still so far underneath the surface that they can't even see the light or imagine it was ever there

maybe I should have a home maybe I do deserve a HOME and not just a place where I live at

and now im scared bc ive never had that and im not sure I know how.

~wynnnnn~

05/10/2025

this weekend has been nice so far

i have tried my best to slow down a bit, i feel like i was going out a lot and neglecting my house and myself a bit

i now have balanced it out more, i did go out one night this weekend but spent the rest of the weekend working on things around the house

i forgot how much i like organizing an cleaning stuff!

i still got to see my friends and socialize but i was not running around the whole weekend like a chicken with my head cut off, which is very nice and actually relaxing which i believe is supposed to be the point of the weekend?

update on Sofia - (Fia Ria) - she's doing great still, running jumping pooping and all the dog things happy happy gorl

i really need to get some furniture in my living room... lol thinking of renting a truck next weekend so i can haul some pieces to my condo. i need to get a couch, a tv stand, a desk/table and a rug and a lamp and so many more things but i think that would be a very solid start

idk why i never really settled into this condo. i think i never really loved the idea of living here permanently or long term but i guess i am going to at least until next year (and thats what i said last yr)

maybe this is the year i change all my bad habits and turn my life around completely, who knows

ok ttyl <333

xoxoxoxo

01/10/25

its spooky season folks! I do love a great costume and I have a few planned out for this season

-franke-n-furter which is more of a cosplay than just a costume and I have some improvements I will be making this year

-hex girl lead singer Thorn from Scooby Doo

-America's Next Top Bottom

this coming month or so I plan to purchase my ticket for travel to South America during the holidays - where I will be meeting up with my platonic husband and also seeing my family who I haven't seen in likeeee many many years now

today I spoke with my father over the phone and he has acquired a job (rare for him he is a dusty man) writing speeches and helping with the campaign of a conservative Chilean politician *throw up emoji*

its weird this balancing act of keeping him in my life without wanting to rip his head off for the ignorant bs he says sometimes but he is also this very sweet man who cares about me bc I was born from him... I am battling on dealing with this and have kept him at a distance that keeps me happy enough without knowing too much but morally it makes me Feel Bad :(

like ew why is he like this and how do I make him be back to normal dad I had when I was younger before he became this weirdo with crap beliefs?? and what happened during that time to change him? I mean he lives in a whole different country so idk

I digress

I am very good and happy today I feel fine fine fine

this week has been kind of a roller coaster bc in the beginning of the week I felt like I wanted to be unalive and its only Wednesday and my train has turned around

I woke up and felt thankful for the sky and every person I love...

anyways

have a great day cutie

xxxx

29/09/2025

I am wearing a shirt that Cassidy gave me to work, and I haven't washed it since I got it so it smells like them so comforting. we are going to meet in Brazil in December which reminds me I have to talk to my boss about the pto which is so lame cause I should just be allowed to leave when I want since I am grown-up adult person

over the weekend I felt very tired and rough and I stayed home mostly which is weird bc I love going outside all day and all night on the weekends and ive been doing it for so long that it felt strange to sit in my house alone with my thoughts and my dog and no plans

in the past I used to enjoy being alone in my house more than going out and seeing anyone, but now ive made such great friends I feel like I am losing my breath if I don't take every chance I can to see them all. time feels so short and my love feels so long

its not that I don't enjoy being by myself, I do quite a lot but life has shifted and changed and maybe I am avoiding something

I tried to make a therapy appointment with my old therapist that ive been seeing since before my divorce, but then I lost my insurance and was unable to see them anymore and now they are all booked up

I feel like starting over with a new therapist would take ages to decipher all my lore (trauma) with someone new and then what if they're not even good... my last therapist was a transman which was actually so important to me right now and im so sad that I couldn't get in with them again :(

I guess maybe its time to find a new one though bc one thing I certainly cannot do is just go without therapy with a brain and life like mine

can I complain for a sec?

this past year or so I have

- battled with recovering from an abusive relationship (running into my abuser frequently unfortunately)

- toggled my sexuality and gender settings wildly

- my house was hit by a tornado

- almost lost my house after this

- I lost my job

- my car was totaled

- my dog got cancer

- kicked out my old bestie/roomie and stopped being friends

ok? ok

my friends say wow you are handling this all so well

am I? I just don't really think ive handled any of it honestly

I think I put it in a little box and I wrapped the box with a whole box of cling wrap and then chained it and locked it and threw it in the lake

now anytime I walk anywhere it floats right behind me

I feel the inevitability that I will have to unwrap this box

the doom follows me around right outside my happiness bubble

at some point if I don't open it, it will keep growing

it will unwrap itself

and the wrath will release.

and I don't want to get caught off guard

so anyways that's why I need to find a therapist again

thanks

love u cutie

xooxoxo

25/09/2025

finished besties bday cake which turned into a special mini cake and 11 cupcakes (i ate one)

had a cheese and salami snack with sofia in the kitchen before bed

we went on a nice long walk today

canceled a date i had been looking forward to but unfortunately i overbooked myself (chronic offender) due to like responsibilities, not having a car, and time blindness...

also i think like i just maybe dont like them as much as i thought?? i only say that cause i dont cancel dates when i really really wanna go you know? sometimes my processing of my feelings is a bit slow and complicated and i dont realize that i dont like that person as much as i thought until its like wayyy later

i might not make sense to you all but its honest like i dated this one girl for about 6 weeks we went out once or twice a week

she was so nice, and funny, and really cute! talented and had her own life and things which i love but i just realized after that long that i just personally didnt feel like we had good chemistry

or i guess i should say chemistry in general.

so i was honest with her and said that i dont think we should see each other anymore in a romantic way, bc i just didnt feel chemistry

i was more excited to go out in general than bc it was with her? and if i liked her that much shouldn't i be excited about seeing her, specifically?

im not trying to sound mean i am just trying to say that it was so hard for me to distinguish these feelings and then when it clicked she probably felt like i had been leading her on, but i was really just trying to figure out how i felt. idk man

anyways i dont want to hurt anyone but also i need more time than some other folks to figure out how i feel sometimes!

dating apps are this weird hellhole for dating.. the best connections i have had have been from people who i have organically met and had a fun time with. friends of friends, people in the groups i went to go see, lesbians ive hung out with for months amongst friends

but on the apps, you ignore my DM and i ignore yours

you scroll and swipe and swipe and swipe and swipe

maybe you match and then its another dice roll to see if yall will have a good conversation

if the convo is good and you decide to meet, better hope theyre not crazy or something and sometimes the date sucks and you pay for your own drinks so you can leave fast

sometimes you stay and its good but most times its the first way unfortunately. what a joke lol

then i came across two very forceful weirdos online just today- one of them DEMANDED that i give him my number so i reported him for harassment, and the other guy immediately DMd me when we matched to talk about my coochie.. wtf sir

UGH

if i didnt have friends in loving healthy relationships with others i really wouldn't believe that people still fall in real love

ive been married and divorced, ive had relationships and situationships, ive had one night stands and even hooked up with a friend or two before

ive been in love more than once. ive loved the right people and the worst people, ive done too much and not enough in different relationships. ive made mistakes and ive rescued some of my favorite moments from being mistakes

over time my definition of myself, relationships, attraction, and love have changed over and over again

right now i have to say, my friends and platonic love has been the purest realest form of love to me. love in a monogamous relationship type - maybe it is real but im afraid even if it is, its not for me

like bad bunny said se me hace que yo naci pa estar solo!!

XXOoooxXXoOXX

Wynn

24/09/2025

work has slowed down quite a bit

to the point where i am accepting

suggestions on what to do during work

that looks like im working?

i cant start at iPhone all day and i cant

really read a book or anything like that

bc its an open floor plan

soooo

let me know if you have any ideas :)

ecb is being evil... surprise surprise right lol

Sofia is still doing okay for now! she really

enjoyed coming to pinball club, she loved all

the pets and getting to meet new people

thank you all for entertaining her and giving

her some love!!!

im soooo sleepy but its not even 7 and if i

lay down now ill wake up in the middle of the night

so instead im watching Trixie & Katya Reacts

i might still go to sleep for just a lil nap tho

this friday is my besties bday and i am making

his cake, his gf (my other bestie) dropped off the

supplies and candles and i am going to bake it

and put it together

the outdoors is gorg i have all my windows open

and feeling the breeze, hearing everyone walking

outside and sofia has her head out the window

and was barking at her enemy earlier

i dont ask her to stop anymore, life is short

and if it were socially acceptable i would scream

at my enemies too

anyways youre very gorgeous and cute and im proud of u

ok have a great day love ya!

19/09/2025

I am alive and well

and my baby dog being sick is such a mindfuck

bc she has mostly good days still where she is playing and being dog

happy happy dog, and then some days its very obvious she's not ok

but we are getting thru it together and figuring things out

no restrictions on food means I've been cooking for us every night

she's had

pepperoni pizza ( one of her faves)

spaghetti (another fave)

her tio brought her chicken nuggets and cheeseburgers

she's really living it up

if she's doing well on Monday I will bring her to pinball

so everyone can meet her and she can have some fun with all you gay weirdos

on another note

I am crushing too much on ecb

he wants to hang out like everyday and I keep saying no

but I want to hang out too

but I don't want to lead him into something I don't want!

tonight is the balloon glow!

im excited bc in 11 yrs of living here ive never been to it

its supposed to be super beautiful <3

work is slowing down now and I will probably get trained

on new/additional duties soon

im glad its Friday bc I love weekends now that im back to a m-f

it sucks bc being in the industry I was never off on the weekends

and now im only off on the weekends

can't win bro

anyways im excited to have fun and spend time with my

baby girl dog this weekend

I want her to enjoy the end of her time as much as possible

we've been snuggling a lot and I talk to her all the time

about how much she means to me and how much better my life is

with her in it

I know she can understand me

I can see it in her face and in her eyes

and I told her whenever she is ready she can go

even though I will miss her immensely!!

xoxoxoxo

15/09/2025

Unfortunately my baby dog Sofia is on her way out of this world.

She is my angel and has been with me for 8 short years.

Last night she was acting weird and we went to the emergency vet, and that is where they diagnosed her with leukemia.

There is fluid around her organs and she is struggling to stand and control her bodily functions. I am trying to see if there's anything we can do to at least keep her comfy and pain free for now.

thanks to capitalism and the cost of the vet I still had to come to work today so my bestie is going to go check on her during lunch but otherwise ill be trying my best to spend all my time with her that she has left

13/09/2025

went out to the club last night

ran into everyone

is there a room that exists anywhere in stl

where i dont know someone

i always wanted to be someone who knew a lot of ppl

but now i realize

i know some of them in ways i wish i didnt

anywayssss

dancing with my friends was such a blast

we all slayed our fits

and i introduced them to tequila espresso martinis

lots of cigs on the patio

a cup of water here and there

ended the night at a different patio

was hoping to lure and trap a boy

but ended the night too tired

went home showered and passed out

i was responsible today

i did my groceries and laundry

i took my dog outside (not for long its too hot)

chilling

and later going to the movies w ecp

demon slayer infinity castle is finally out

its such a red flag when boys say they like me

or have feelings for me when we have

barely been dating...

sir you dont know me

one of the boys i am seeing

told me i give off villian

and said pls dont be evil to me

i dont make promises to men

so i told him that

now i want to be extra evil

i know something is wrong with me

but im having fun

and i dont want to change it

<3

09/09/2025

Last night after pinball I feel like I was on a high note!

I had such a great time talking to all of you guys, I really feel so good after hanging out with trans people. crazy how being around other folks that respect my identity and appreciate the way I present my gender makes me feel good?? who would have thought???!!

Battling with the ideas of how to approach this subject in other parts of my life.

my cis bestie and his gf are super supportive and understanding but how will it go when I get on T

like im sure my dad will ask offensive and ignorant questions

my sis will probably be supportive but confused

although she has shown support for trans people in general which actually kind of surprised me bc we've never really had conversations about gayness or transness in general - I think part of me is scared to have those convos bc I have so little family that I get along with and I don't ever want to lose my sis over anything :( SCARY

my cousins and younger fam members literally don't gaf about what pronouns I use they just bully me bc I bully them, nothing to do with gender stuff at all

I felt so grateful this morning waking up

im able bodied

im smart and capable enough to live on my own and support myself

im responsible and go to my big girl job everyday even on the days when I wake up and wanna stay in my warm cozy bed sooooo bad

my pup is over her illness and was tested again and it came back negative so she's off her antibiotics and back to being her tail waggy self

earlier a couple days ago I went to survivors poetry night and it was actually so inspiring

I was too shy to read anything in front of everyone but im hoping next time ill feel more comfy and have something prepared for it!

the world opens little pockets of discovery for me right when I need them and when im ready for them

like once I was done questioning my sexuality so much then I got a bunch of trans friends and started processing my gender shit

I feel safe and supported, I am making progress on my life and personal goals

things are going so well now

I feel like my train is finally running in the right direction after so long of going the wrong way

I matched with my crush on a dating app... we were already friends on insta and this happened after so im excited to see where that goes

im going on a date with evil composer boy on Thursday and this is his final chance to prove he's actually not evil which I don't believe he can do since he is definitely evil but maybe I can get what I want before I cut him off (my bestie says its a bad idea to sleep with evil composer boys but he's just soooooo yummy)

I love my friends

I love trans people

I love myself and my life rn

I love being cringe

I love being who I am

I love discovering every pocket in the universe

k bye

xoxoxoXXXooooO

04/09/2025

yooooo what's up flounder

damn I haven't updated in a while...

lately I've been dedicating a lot of time to my current hyper fixation which is terrorizing cis men on dating apps specifically tinder and then posting my wild dating stories on instagram

its actually really hilarious and such a weird experience for me

I never dated or had interest in boys until I hit 30 - then I realized I might have been ignoring signs of being attracted to men

I guess since I came out as a lesbian when I was 16 I pretty much grew up in a different world than people who center men... I never did that and then continued to not do that

so now in the dating world I seem to have all the power!

cause for some reason cis men love to be used and hated idk man take it up with them don't hate the playa hate the game or whatever Ice-T said

otherwise I am feeling good about work, I started this new job this year and I really like it my coworkers are so nice and awesome, and im working on getting my car situation figured out but public transport puts me at the door of my work building so best case scenario there, tbh

I have been prioritizing my friends, staying in touch with my family, trying to fix up all the shit that got messed up during the tornado at my house etc... UGH

xoxoxox

wynn

30/08/2025

sitting in my living room with the windows open and my dog girl Sofia is sunbathing next to me. I can feel a cool breeze come thru and im smoking a joint, just cleaned my house and marinated some chicken for dinner later.

this version of being an adult is nice. the peace and calmness i feel in being myself, having my own things, and managing to live my life the way i want to is the best use of free will

i have had a great weekend so far lots of coffees, friend hangs, one date with a cute tinder boy, and more fun to come soon <3 i feel content and calm

debating if i want to go out tonight, i was thinking about going dancing but i might need a rest night! i had been staying home on fridays for the past couple of weeks and only going out saturdays but i have no regrets

the boy was a great dancer, and i love to dance so thats nice :) one time i went out with someone who refused to dance at all!!! ick

anyways i hope you guys are having a great weekend! august is almost over and then we are headed towards fall weather. layering lots of gay clothes on top of each other is my favorite thing in the whole world - but i need more visible tattoos

ok love u bye <33

Hug hug, kiss kiss, hug hug, big kiss, little hug, kiss kiss, little kisss

24/08/2025

tonight ive decided to journal on my computer bc my journal is running out of pages. time to pick a new one

honestly my fave paper to write on is the cheap .79 cent journals with college rule.

anyways, today i had a great time. i stayed up late from the night before bc i went to a friends dj set and then i slept in pretty late

got ready headed over to tower grove for the festival of nations

personally i feel it was too crowded, every line was incredibly long and it was hard to figure out who tf was in line for what?!

but after that i took a nice looooong walk from tower grove to shaw to botanic area and then called an uber bc i did not want to walk accross kingshighway to get home!! i wish it was more pedestrian friendly.

then my bestie picked me up, he always comes prepared with a couple of joints so we smoked and went thrifting and then bowling

we had some great conversations about growing as people, getting through hard times, being adults and telling each other the truth even when its hard to hear

i love having a best friend who can do that for me bc sometimes i dont see the forest for the trees

tomorrow is time to go back to work, and i havent done my chores cause ive been too busy enjoying life

no regrets tho

--

im learning to give myself a balance of how i split up my time. i want time to spend alone, i want time to spend taking care of myself and my space and then time to do unfun chores & errands that are annoying bc i dont have a car.

speaking of which, my car has now been officially declared as totaled by the insurance co i just have to title it over to my name for them to pay it off and be on my way to hopefully getting another car again

i miss having the independence of driving, it certainly makes things a lot more challenging than they need to be

i feel like life is moving in the right direction, my tarot reading the other night said that things are moving in the right direction but i am not out of the woods just yet.

im tired and idk how much more woods i have the bandwidth to get through but i guess theres no choice but to get through it somehow so here i am trying my best.

<3

22/08/2025

I've been journaling a lot, promise, just not publicly to the internet strangers (and friends)

life has been quite a rollercoaster y'all

what can I say

I have been spending a lot of time having fun but in a distracting way

I paused to think if there were things I was avoiding thinking about or processing maybe

and if that's why I was doing that?

well I've experienced quite a lot of growth

and I finally got the courage to go out dancing on my own again last week

(ran into some pinball pals - hi guys :)) fun coincidence

and yes there are a few things, but to be honest if this hard ass year has

taught me anything its that I have really wonderful people around me

people who want to step in and help me or hug me or offer an encouraging word

perhaps an encouraging kiss too (kiss your friends more people, its awesome)

I feel really cute lately which is nice bc even baddies have poor self esteem

actually sometimes baddies have the worst self esteem

and part of working on that for me has been acknowledging that im a baddie

once I say it and write it enough times then I will believe it and feel it (hopefully)

• fake it till u make it*

I really love reading all of your writings, I love having an inside glimpse to peoples minds

and hearts and their inner world !! yummy yummy

btw I think I am going to go ahead and officially go by wynn to everyone now, which is gonna be a bit of a process but idk I guess its time for another rebrand

so hey what's up im wynn nice to meet ya

xoxoxox

12/08/2025

Did u know that yesterday it was like, super hot outside?

I sweated my entire ass off at pinball

I love hanging out there though

Had a great time, shout out to Brian for giving me a ride to and from you rock!!

I need to finish making my besties bday lasagna

but I have to stay late at my big boy job tonight

tomorrow there will be a cat staying in my house, Phillip

and I think maybe at the next pinball club I might bring my FiaRia (puppy girl)

07/08/2025

haven't updated in a while

been having super awesome time honestly

went to the zoobq yesterday and it was SICK

got a cool sparkle duck painted on my arm

rode carousel (<--- one of my special interests)

ate bbq

was with my friends

rode train (<--another special interest, yes im that kind of autistic)

ummmm

mercury retrograde is ending I think so maybe that's why life doesnt

suck as much anymore

and I got good news that my car is finally released from evidence so

perhaps ill be on the road again soon

k bye love u

01/08/2025

im a little in my feelings today yall

my big sis send me pics of her classroom set up (she's a teacher)

and tells me its her 10th year teaching

yet I've only visited her classrooms once in the past decade

my cousins are getting tall, and graduating school

my baby cousin has her first boyfriend

she's learning to bake bc of me!!

my aunties and grandmas hair looks a little grayer in each passing pic

their faces a bit more wrinkled

their voices a bit more worn out over the phone

im building my career

bought a condo that most of them have never seen and never will see

milestones missed left and right

connections only happen thru a camera phone

hugs and kisses are a thing of the past

my favorite foods only made by my own hand

and never taste as good as when they cooked for me

even as a professional cook I could never match their skill

and food just tastes better when someone else made it

being an immigrant is not for the weak

and im feeling a little weak

31/07/2025

insurance adjuster came to my house today to assess tornado damages

hopefully I get new windows soon

saw a cute girl on a different bus

met Michael Jackson

another bus and helped a young lady find the right stop

I understand her fear of missing your stop

showed her how to use bus app

wished her well on her first shift at applebees

she's saving up for a car

got the police report for my accident

hopefully ill have my car back soon

hanging out with some pals later

busy weekend

full of love

thankful for my life everyday

29/7/2025

its times like these that I feel like my job gets in the way of my silly fun goofy time

being responsible sucks sometimes....

but I guess its all good cause I had my silly goofy fun time before and now I have to do the responsible stuff or whatever

I just have accepted that sometimes I will stay up and be exhausted at my big man job

UGHHH

I wish I could just exist without having to work full time frfr

okay im done complaining thanks for listening

<33

Also today at work I suggested this *really good idea* but nobody paid attention and then my male coworker literally repeated what I said and everyone was AMAZED

WTFFFFFFFFFFfFFFfFF

Im not gonna crash out tho, swear.

Pinball 6mos was so fun! It was REALLY HOT and muggy outside which made it hard to sit outside the whole time. Idk how y'all stand that heat so much

I tried to wear something that would keep me from sweating too much and it did help but I still felt like a melted gummy bear. a sweaty melted gummy bear on the bottom of a shoe.

its so great every time I go to pinball. seeing all my pals, and getting to be myself is really an unmatched experience. there are so few places where I truly feel comfortable and understood as I do at pinball.

thanks to Sheba and bigassbug for starting pinball you guys are the best. and thanks for inviting me to be a part of it. <3 u

28/7/2025

This weekend was so great. I got to be a part of James day. First James day was a success. Went swimming. Very tan, wish I was still tanner. Will keep working on that.

Excited for fall, especially halloween bc I love dressing up.

I think this year I will be Chel from Road to El Dorado. Gotta start working my cosplay now!!

Back to work, already a long day but sooooo excited for 6mo of Pinball tonight! See y'all there :P

25/7/2025

its fridayyyyyyyyy im excited bc I have no responsibilities this weekend YAAAAA

debating if I want to stay home tonight or find something fun to do

last night I got really cute and went on a date that turned out to be awful :(

so lowkey kind of want to make up for that crappy night by going out on my own and having a good one

I have plans to do other fun stuff this weekend and im very much looking forward to it all

<333

24/7/2025

Sometimes I feel like I blink and I've missed a day. Work is getting more interesting now that I've been here long enough for them to trust me with actually doing things. It's great bc I was getting super bored of just sitting here most of the day. It feels nice to accomplish things.

The walk to the metro was so much nicer this morning with some shade, a cool breeze, and not hot and muggy and sticky like it was the past few days. I felt like I could barely breathe and every part of me was sweating.

Yesterday I wanted to go to my friend's house after work but since I am actually doing stuff at work now it was like super overwhelming and I was HOT and GRUMPY after work so I stayed home instead. I rested and cleaned up my house which always makes me feel so much better. When things are in their place the visual clutter being removed really lightens my mental load too.

I've always hated visual clutter.

I drink coffee now. I come in and say stuff like "can't wait for Friday amirite" cause I it helps me fit in with everyone here and then they leave me alone. I have one pal at work, sort of. She always answers my questions without being mean or condescending. It's hard being friends with any of my coworkers bc I've been burned by trusting coworkers so many times I don't want to make that mistake again. Also I do believe I am the only person in this whole building that is not straight and cis lol. What a weird and opposite world to the bubble I usually live in.

Ever since I was 17 and moved out of my mom's house I've been 100% supporting myself without help and let me tell you, it's not easy. So if I have to get along with some normies to sit in a room and type things on my computer and say stuff like "working hard or hardly working?!" then I will cosplay a corporate drone so I can hang out with all the weirdos I want when I'm not here. I guess in a way it's a coping mechanism.

I'm trying my best to not burn myself out on this job bc I actually do enjoy helping families here & I can actually afford to be alive and stuff with what they pay me.

Okay that's all have a great Thirsty Thursday.

PS I have a date tonight!

22/7/2025

(entry 2)

it just occurred to me that I haven't said anything about the big camping trip™

it was soooooo magical, it was my first ever camping trip and it was really great

never had I spent time in the river at night, and been able to see the stars so clearly and brightly, it was even better bc I was nude

sometimes I feel that we forget how we came into the world, no worries about weird moles or hairs

no shame about the way we look

I have always battled to love my body just the way it is

sometimes I look at myself in the mirror when im naked or I see a photo of myself someone else took and I hear mean voices in my head telling me ugly things

but I remind myself constantly that its not true and I shouldn't listen to that

so I try my best not to

I feel that this trip reconnected me to myself in a way I haven't felt In a longgggg while

it also bonded me with all my pals even further

earlier in the year I had made a vision board for 2025, and on that vision board I have a photo of Marsha p Johnson and her group of friends-- my intention being that I would find friends who fully accept me for all I am and that hopefully they were trans weirdos too so I could talk to them about what its like living this way

so far I think this might be actually coming true out of the several things I manifested on that vision board

I have found a great way to make vision boards effective bc everything (like truly every single thing) I put on my vision boards always comes true

we ate hot dogs on the fire

we did sneaky jumps from the rock while nude, thankfully the ladies who were there on the other side of the beach went off and away

(I wish people were not so off put by a little free boob time)

and I snuck in every chance I could to be free and happy in nature with my pals

jeez now sitting here inside this office with the blaring industrial lighting and cold hard desks seems like so super duper lame

can't wait for the next trip

(entry 1)

I honestly admire how consistent some of you are at posting. I have been journaling since I started therapy which was about 8 years ago now. I've been in and out of it regularly depending on health insurance availability and stuff like that. My therapist is a trans guy, which is super cool bc they were my therapist before they even transitioned so I got to be there for the journey which I think has a lot to do with my own journey through transness.

Anyways, last night was pinball and it was so fun! There was quite a great turn out. For the past couple times I have been at pinball I didn't even make it to the games bc I was too involved in socializing with everyone. Pinball has attracted quite the niche crowd, and I love it.

I found a bus route that keeps me from having to walk 30 minutes after I get off and that's super awesome bc it's been so muggy and gross lately. I really enjoyed going on a bit of an adventure and walking around to go get ice cream. I think BAB would make a great cult leader bc we all just agreed so quickly and made it happen.

My ice cream was off brand which is sad bc I was expecting a certain texture and flavor but then it was not that, however that was whatever bc I got to chat with James the whole time and he's such a cool person to talk to.

K bye