what a time

Good day to you all. Be warned, in this post I will be complaining, so do not expect a "feel good" kind of post, and please, close this tab.

For the past week and a half, I've been at the hospital taking care of my mother. Me alone. Stranded in a city I do not know, sleeping badly and eating outside, seeing money just fade away from my hands. Well, luckily, my mother pays. I already burned through my own meager budget. Still, it is a bit stressful spending so much money, even if there is enough to get by. Sometimes I do feel guilty about the coffee I drink to stay sane, for it is about as expensive as the food I consume.

I am not a very stressful person, I am usually happy with my situation, so long as there is food to eat and a roof under which to sleep. But in the past few days my stress levels have piked, and I've already had a couple quarrels with the people at the hospital. While I do feel I was justified to feel offended by them, it is still very rare for me to explode in this manner, and I can only blame it on the conditions in which I find myself.

Still, I try to count my blessings and stay grateful that I am not really having such a hard time, just a little stress. I even get to have quite a bit of time of my own, to continue studying, which is what has kept me busy and feeling like at least I am doing something with all this time.

The greatest source of stress for me is the delays. Again, I've been here almost two weeks, and I can only hope that it doesn't stretch beyond that, because if it does, I will really, really cry. This is what has me anxious right now. Ideally, it should end soon... but it may not, and that is a constant source of stress for me. I really don't know what I will do if I have to stay yet another week in these conditions. I miss my home, I miss my family, and I want to spend the holidays with them and get to solve the problems at home that, while not particularly pressing, need to be addressed and are making my partner feel as anxious as I feel right now. She too misses me, after all.

Luckily, I have a little space for myself when I can get away if only for a little while from sitting in or around the hospital. I've never actually liked or cared about starbucks, but recently it is the only place where I can sit down for a while, have a coffee, and not think too much about hospitals.

Today, as I was downloading books and videos to entertain myself during the day, I remember the smol.pub, and it warmed my heart seeing some "familiar faces" in these lonely days. I found myself in good company reading the thoughts of drmollytov, voidrane, coldscars, and others. I guess I just want to appreciate you being around during these trying days.

Another good thing, as I already mentioned, is that I still get time to study, and I at least feel that sense of progress on which I thrive. I've been retaking the study of the yijing (or, book of changes), as well as pressing with the chinese language. Hopefully, if things go well (and when do they ever, indeed), I should be taking an exam early next year.

So much for wishful thinking, but all I can do is hope, and do my best. If anything, I can take these days as a learning experience, as an opportunity to try to develop some resilience, to train some equanimity, and, who knows, maybe learn to manage crises and unfamiliar situations.

So it is that I come and write, because I have barely anyone to talk to. I do talk with my partner all the time, and she's been a great help to me, especially at times when I feel everything weighing down on me. But not having anyone to talk to face-to-face is still suboptimal, but at least writing is an outlet that I can rely on to mitigate this situation.

I hope, dear reader, everything goes well for you, and that if you are having difficult times, for everything to flow smoothly and for you to find your peace so that the chaos of the world around you at least yields a little, and that you find a light and a path forward, and next time we read each other, may it be full of good news.

Anyway, that's all for today. Until next time.