LIVE BUGLEAGUE CAM:

12/10

Work is still going to suck for the rest of the year and i still need to have some additional difficult conversations with my superiors but. The thing about me is. I’m so good at handling. One of the best at handling. So any time i start crashing out i know in the back of my mind that im going to handle it and be fine. BUT it’s important that i crash out anyways. That’s a crucial part of my process. And i have learned this once again this week. Call me, The Handler.

12/10

He apologized. My (work) life is still hell, but he apologized and said he understands. This is something.

12/10

Everyone wish me luck not getting too scared to yell at my boss for making me do his job for the last six months. All my so called mistakes stem from this fact. Nothing is my fault. I need to remember this because it is literally true. The rest of this year is going to be hard.

12/9

I’m about to become the GoFundMe type of nonbinary when i get fired.

12/9

Having. A panic attack at work because. All of my mistakes are manifesting all at once and causing so many problems that are all my fault and i have three different project managers mad at me and i don’t even know why but i really fucked up.

I want to be unemployed but. That is not good planning. And the job market is dogshit right now. Would anyone like to:

-give me free money

-move into my apartment so i can pay $700 rent

-give me a job

-cradle me in their arms and tell me shushhh shushhh shush it’s okay little baby. Nothing is your fault you are completely smooth and young as hell. You are the youngest person ever. And you’ve done nothing wrong.

-break every bone in my body and feed me soup in the hospital

I’m going to grow additional legs and become extremely small. Like some kind of beetle or isopod. I’m going to crawl in the dirt and live a simple bugs life.

12/4

I hate my evil coworker. He just added me to a teams group chat named “young squad” where he is 10 years older than everyone else and is using passive aggressive ellipses at me to get me to commit to being in the office even more days a week. He’s not my boss! He’s not in my department! I’m so pissed off about him that it gives me a headache. Butt out!! Leave me alone please! Anyways. Somehow trying and failing to get a new job feels so much worse than not trying at all. 2026 is my year. Or else. Fucks sake.

12/1

Replaced the last of the cool tone lightbulbs in my home. It is fully warm and cozy now.

Maybe it’s the evil haircut, maybe it’s the snow, but I’m thinking about smoking cigarettes again.

Feeling good at being a person lately. Having a lot of normal social interaction, feeling amiable and pleasant to be around. Thumbs up.

11/30

My evil haircut got me feeling dastardly and wicked.

11/25

I am so genius. I had two Projects that were sort of half ideas that i hadn’t figured out yet, and i have just figured out i can Frankenstein them into a single manageable Project. Turning my fireplace CRT into a computer.

The secret of being the “family tech person” is not actually knowing how computers work at all. It is knowing what to google to find a guy who knows how computers work who already did the thing you need to do on YouTube.

Had a swell weekend, wishing i didn’t have to travel for thanksgiving, not because i don’t want to go home, but because i do not Feel Like doing the traveling part. My train on Sunday leaves at 4 AM, i am so fucked.

11/20

Working in an office job is all about being in the same room as two men with no sense of humor trying really hard to riff with one another. You will hear sentences that have never been spoken before. Laughs that have never been less earned.

Trying to substitute some phrases in my mind and my speech when i want to say “I’m going to kill myself” because I’m not going to do that and it’s bad for me to say it anyways. Trying out “I’ll become a worm”.

11/20

Living my life on three fronts

Socially, my life is going so swimmingly right now. I have plans Friday and Saturday with two different groups of new friends. I feel so loved and so good at loving others. There are times when i struggle to understand what people like about me, and there are times where i can feel myself doing it. Being liked. Feeling like im awesome lately.

Professionally, hoo boy it is not going well. Flopping at my job, flopping at the job search. Feeling like i made a wrong turn and i should have gone to school for something else. I try not to be a Regret person, because from what i can tell, time only goes the one way, but I’m finding myself lately dwelling on what i Could Have Done Instead. Unproductive. But less daunting than digesting the notion of What I Should Do Now. I don’t have a firm vision of the future here, which i don’t think is abnormal but, it’s not what I’m accustomed to. It’s not what I’m comfortable with. I’ll get it sorted. Eventually.

Family. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh it just has been feeling like a chore lately. I think I’m burned out on obligation. The way that my family views “Family” is not healthy i don’t think. But i must exist within that context, which paints my resentment as so much worse than it should be, and only further fuels that resentment. I don’t want to go home for thanksgiving and I’m getting jealous of people i know who don’t have to do this. Which is also a source of guilt. I do love these people, most of them at least. But it’s a shame how Family feels like a cycle of resentment and guilt most of the time. Maybe it’s a me problem. Which is isolating. How rude of my family to be too good for me to cut contact with them. How selfish of me to want that, even fleetingly.

Reading that all written down just reminds me of what i know to be true already. I feel like i am flourishing and thriving in the parts of my life where i am myself, and i feel diminished and squandered in the parts where i must be a version of myself that i don’t identify with. I work on it. It’s difficult because it is in the places where i have the least control, the least power, where i feel unlike myself. I work on it.

I feel like myself in my minecraft realm where i can mine and craft with my cube shaped friends…

11/18

I was born with a tail.

Hair appointment got rescheduled which is actually fine because now i don’t have to worry about my hair being too cool for thanksgiving.

11/18

Back to the drawing board on job applications again. But i feel okay about that now, i still may get an offer from the one place that has been stringing me along, but i think ive had too much time to think about it and wouldnt accept unless the money is crazy. Ive got a few leads and i think i am making progress on getting things to a more sustainable place at my current job. I hope.

Made some new friends this weekend!

Predator Badlands tomorrow (i think)

Movie night Friday

Haircut Saturday and i think im going to do something fun and new-ish.

Getting dinner with my cousin who moved to Chicago recently and feeling like a good big cousin. I need allies at thanksgiving. And i mean that in the War way not in the Woke way. The war on Christmas is over, I’m starting the war on thanksgiving.

Things are in a holding pattern right now. Which i can manage. Feeling ready for winter. My apartment is nice and warm and cozy. I have started my Winter Project. Soon I will make my Minecraft realm with my dear friends. Yes…

11/16

No offense but i am having such a good weekend. Everything is right in the world when my lesbians come to visit. I love you @unclealtoid !!!

11/14

The greatest hell on earth is to be a customer. To know you making someone’s life worse by being at their job, and being unable to stop this. I am like you, you want to say, and in return they will flash you a false smile and say yes sir you are. You can not escape this godforsaken world no matter how you try.

11/12

My day is not going well at work. Just fyi. It’s going really badly actually. I wish i was a worm or beetle instead of what i am now. Someone who works in an office.

11/12

Dream included the following

Wednesday the band, the video game

My job as an engineer including piloting an Eva. I was still griping about wanting to quit and the job hunt not going swimmingly. Mundane kaiju battle.

Sick of being in job limbo. My spine hurts from bending backwards for so long (limbo-style). Feel like i can’t start anything new until i close the loop on this. And that part is ultimately a bit out of my hands. I want to start a new creative project. But i don’t have the bandwidth right now :(

I’ve been wanting to be in school again for the first time in a while. I think i just want someone to tell me I’m good. A+ gold star. I still think I’d make a good teacher. Maybe I’ll do that eventually.

11/10

La la la la la I’m playing in the snow and picking up a big leaf and skipping around my neighborhood. Fuck everything i am full of glee.

11/9

I think I’m the first person in history whose dad doesn’t really “get” them.

My good friend from high school (sort of) got stuck in Chicago due to a cancelled flight. He texted me to hang out. I have taken to calling him Flake due to his propensity for flaking on social plans. Love the guy but Jesus Christ i can’t name a single time I’ve been able to count on firm plans with him. Anyways if you can believe it he flaked again. Struck me as legitimately rude this time, which it usually doesn’t. I guess mostly because he made the fucking plans. I still forgive him, that guy lowkey saved my life. I’ll see him three attempted plans from now.

It’s snowing. Yes…

Big snow tonight.

It was so November out today when i went on my morning walk. The yellow leaves still 50/50 up on the branches and scattered on the ground, a slight snow that didn’t stick to anything, me wearing my little scarf but not really being cold. Perfect.

I am playing: stardew valley

11/6

Riddle: you have been asked to bring a bottle of wine to a social gathering. In attendance will be some new friends of yours, and their friends whom you have not met. All of these people are older than you and may or may not have opinions on wine. Having only started liking wine recently, you haven’t formed any strong opinions and wish not to commit a social faux pas, such as bringing the trick wine that they put on the shelf as a prank to fool idiots and novices, or likewise stinky wine for stinkers and smellers. And above all, you want to imply that this was a decision that took no deliberation on your part, as if you are the sort of person who has a plan, an agenda, when asked to bring a bottle of wine. What would you do?

Riddle: Solved by @mothbaby

11/5

I’ve got a lead on squashing this feeling.

I did good work at my job today and it was recognized. Been feeling like a complete dunce lately but i managed to come out on top of this one project. There’s still more going poorly but. I’ll take it.

And i did something nice for a stranger. I feel like telling about it undoes some of the niceness, but it felt really good. Felt right. Felt like i was being myself and doing what i do best. Caring.

That’s something.

11/5

It’s possible i did actually wait too long to come out to my parents. Because when i try to put myself in the shoes of someone who doesn’t understand nonbinary i just really can not fathom it. I was like 14 when this concept was new to me. How am i supposed to translate that to a 57 year old? I should have come out during Woke 1, but i wasn’t ready yet, and now im just a bit too early for Woke 2, so i have to do all the explaining myself. If you guys see any queer webcomics or tumblr text posts i can send to my mom so i don’t have to give any more lectures on the basics, send them my way. Real basic kiddie pool ABC stuff. What is a pronoun? Etc. my problem is that i fundamentally do not gaf, and that is confusing to my parents. Twenty minutes in the 2019 Target Pride section would do wonders for them.

I’m dreaming about the same thing a lot lately. Wish i wasn’t.

Feeling stupid and inadequate lately, which is not my usual mode. Not sure how to cope really other than not engaging. Comparing myself to others a lot, & i know better than that. I wish i had one thing that i was the best at in the world that i could point to and say “see everything else is fine, because im good at that”. But i don’t have that thing. Feeling like everyone knows something that i never learned. Feeling 26 i suppose. Which is so old and also not.

Thinking about DeWalt Baby, born with calloused hands.

11/3

Mondays…

Somebody should make up a cat who hates this day. I would relate to that.

Godzilla minus one sequel……………….

Oughhgghhgg yeah

11/2

Fun weekend.

Costume was mostly a flop but i knew that in advance. Next year i will rectify this. I was too indecisive this year. And like figs, i watched all the good ideas rot.

Had the joy and pleasure of being cornered today by my parents in a diner and made to explain transgender to them. Which was confusing to me because i felt like i had done this already. Apparently not sufficiently. Mmmm transgender burgers (M’s joke).

Longtime mutual reply guy of mine was randomly in Chicago this weekend and like ships in the night we sailed right past each other yet again. We’ve never met in person but have been flirting online for years. Bummer. Oh well.

My train neighbor is nice today, friendly. Which is sweet. Most often it’s just silence, which I’m fine with. But a little pleasantry never hurt nobody.

10/30

Very scary event tonight. Dressing up in costume to go to a room full of evil ghouls and ne'er-do-wells. My costume is: business clothes. And the ghouls are my boss and other “industry professionals” in a haunted hotel satanic ritual. Feeling genuinely scared, i hate this. Only way out is through i suppose.

10/29

I’ll be home (STL) for Christmas (Halloween) fuckers and shitters of the world. I have solved the riddle of being able to do this.

Let’s all make fun of me and my letters i get it… me and LMNOP are hanging out tonight…. Without U!!!

LGBT,..

10/29

Something funny is happening but i have decided not to speak on it.

Had such a stellar night con mis amigos. Drank a beer with T, went to therapy, M came over, met back up with E and T, went to dinner, went to the Bar. I wish i had not had to work, hanging out with E and T is fun, i had to say goodbye last night before bed. Very fun group dynamic! E and M were friends back in stl, me and E go way back, and T is such an interesting man to talk to. And of course M is my Chicago bestie. I love to laugh and have fun with friends.

A plot has just occurred to me. God i might actually be a genius sometimes.

10/28

Interview went well but it was revealed to me that this was not actually a third round interview as implied, it was a re-do of my second round interview because the person who interviewed me previously was replaced by my new interviewer. Which is sort of the same thing as a third round only i don’t feel that way. She was very nice and i think liked me but it’s impossible to tell. So now im back in limbo again, waiting to hear back.

Whatever, im getting drunk with my friends tonight. Turn up Tuesday. E and T slept on Couchie and awoke to my horrifying radiators at 4:40 AM this morning. We’ve got dinner reservations with M and are going out after. I understand the way my mom gets when all of her children are in the same room together, but for my friends. In many ways we are each others children. Preach.

10/28

Accidentally deleted my dream, but believe me it was crazy.

Phone call at 12 today. If it goes well my life is Yayyyyyyy, if it goes poorly i will experience horrors. And then there’s the middle ground option. Unthinkable really. Thoughts and prayers please.

10/27

Having a very silly fun night. E and T staying with me. Crossing the streams big time they met J and K at the bar, and my local burger proprietor, Mister E. Feeling warmth and love and good about it all. Thank you for my life. I’m so excited for tomorrow it’s like the night before Christmas. I can’t wait. Goodnight all. Lots of love.

10/27

I’m only a baby of 26 years old. Feeling nude and without wrinkles today. A healthy young whelp, a stout infant with a strong grip. Big for my size, young for my age, stupid for my smarts.

That’s all.

10/23

I have a reputation around town for being sweet. J Bartender says this to me as we are commiserating over similar mixed bag but overall shitty weeks. Flattered to say the least. It’s working, my shtick. Slowly.

I have strong opinions on Buffy season 3 that can be summed up as follows. Buffy and Cordelia have never done anything wrong, Xander must suffer. I want him dead, which sucks because the show has already been out for decades now and i know that doesn’t happen. Bummer. Joss Whedon scumbag self insert must die.

10/23

What’s going on unfortunately is that I’m failing at my job for the first time ever. Sucks really. I’m used to being good at things and i care but i don’t care enough to put the in effort required to really get back into a good place. And the one job that i want an offer from is really jerking me around.

It’s all hurting my stomach. But i reckon it’ll all work out. Usually does. Betting on that.

10/22

I’m going to write THE REAL Monster Mash. The song and dance referenced in the original song.

10/22

Fun craft night with M and J last night. I really like J they have such a genuine authenticity to which they approach things which makes it easy for me to quiet my Inner Cynic. They organized this little community craft session in the basement of this church/community space, it was very sweet and earnest we made talismans. After the weird and emotional day i had yesterday, it was very meditative and therapeutic to stitch together a little thingy that meant whatever it meant to me. More vulnerable than i am used to being, in a very nice way. I have been softening on this front for a while, but i felt like i really settled into just being present and not being so in my head about everything.

M and i hung out and got dinner before we drove out to craft which was nice, i had been missing them. We’re both in sort of weird and convoluted places emotionally right now and it was nice to chat about and i think the crafting was a good outlet for both of us.

Maybe getting drinks with them tonight. Found out they are actually working on Halloween which was not what i had thought originally which is Bummer City. So now i don’t have a costume figured out or firm plans for the night of. Think i have a party Saturday but i feel like i need to have some kind of celebration night-of. Maybe i see what K is up to. Maybe not.

10/21

Crying About Work, but it will be fine I’m just overwhelmed right now.

Important Notice: my music is getting stale i need an infusion. I plead would you be so kind as to send me a link to your playlist or (god forbid) start a blend with me so i can steal your music. Please i need this. Even if you like Cameron Winter.

10/21

Public Crashout at Work Doomsday Clock ticks ever closer to midnight.

Outside of work my life is awesome. Having a real innie/outtie time right now.

10/20

Guys I’m basically getting adopted by millennials so if i switch up on you that’s why.

I was charming at movie night but not that funny. That’s okay I’m invited again so I’ll have another chance to be extremely funny.

10/20

Kind of flopped at the interview. Oh well.

This Monday the vibe at work is sort of “the walls are closing in on me” and I’m doing my best with that. Dealing with these damn walls.

Keep thinking about how much i want to quit and then remembering i have to work two more weeks after i quit. Fuck.

K texted me. He lives literally less than a block from me lol. Movie night be funny and charming!! Trying to come up with jokes in advance lmk if you think of any.

10/20

I’m obsessed with being nice to the bus driver when i get on and off, and it makes my day if i feel like they liked me. This, i think, stems back to riding the school bus when i was little. With our grouchy driver Sandy who was mean out of necessity but had a soft spot for me due to my gentle and polite nature. Getting a little emotional thinking about how crazy of a job that must be, and how she was my bus driver for years of my life.

Anyways I’m in the city this morning for another interview. Commute kind of crazy but it would be cool to be downtown. We’ll see. My current bus driver is nice.

Supposed to go over to Ks house for the first time this evening if he remembers to text me. Feeling more anxious about that than the interview to be honest. Job doesn’t matter, but a new friend first impression? That’s permanent.

Was just thinking about someone who i respect but was rude to me when we first met for some reason and how i like them now but my perception is always colored by that rudeness. Which is petty i guess but it’s not a conscious thing i do.

Lock in time. BRB.

10/17

My therapist keeps trying this bit where she asks me to visualize an emotion outside of myself and I’ve really been having trouble getting what she’s going for and feeling like it’s a bit too metaphysical to be practical for me. But i think i actually cracked it just now. I just have to picture a dog. This is something i can grasp. This is my dog called Lonely, and I love him but Jesus Christ can he be a bit much sometimes. He’s a big fat black lab with gray fur around his snout because he’s old and he whines all the time but he’s sweet and loves to lay across your lap and fall asleep so you won’t get up. Genuinely excited about this not only because i feel like im getting what my therapist is trying to have me do by externalizing feelings, but also because it’s a fun little game to play in my imagination. Brb building a pack of dogs in my mind.

Is this TMI to talk about therapy on here? Idk, I’ve been feeling self critical about my presence online lately after the weird drama last week. If you have opinions about what I’m expressing here, i just ask that you convey those opinions through a condescending rupi kuar style poem please.

10/16

Time theft taste soooo good when you are in limbo about whether you have an offer for a new job or not.

10/16

Just got an awesome reply to a 6 month old blue sky tweet of mine (which flopped but that’s irrelevant).

Tweet: image of pitbull on black background. “When it comes to politics and politicians I call it politricks”

Reply: @therat2025plan

Mega equals Nazi and Nazi equals maga there's no difference no distinction they lie they deceive they cheat they will do whatever they can to steal this democracy. Become rulers of us, do you want to be ruled. I don't so this Saturday no Kings Day you better speak your mind and raise your voices!

It’s a shame that bluesky is awful and sucks. It’s a shame that Twitter is awful and sucks. My pension for a pithy little quip is being squandered. And that’s okay actually.

10/15

I’m sick of all these damn “universes”. No more. Not even a direct sequel is set in the same world as the original movie. Each work is a discrete vignette that exists as an island in an endless sea. Aren’t you more relaxed now? Don’t you feel better? This is called a Movie.

10/14

I need to lock in. Again.

Having executive dysfunction lately, spread thin in the wrong places rn but i gotta get through the job process before i can really get normal again. Just one more Thing and then everything is normaler.

My sister was supposed to be in town, but she cancelled. Bummer, i was looking forward to it.

10/10

Feel a bit silly about all that tbh. Who gaf.

Now that it’s actually cool out, i need to Halloween-max. It’s punkin time. It’s cider time. It’s time to go out and howl at the moon. It’s time to listen to the monster mash and other seasonal songs. There’s no other time you can do this stuff. Besides right now.

This weekend I’m going to solve my Halloween costume.

E and T coming to stay with me later this month, I’m excited. Party time in Chicago City.

10/10

Tell them to bring out the whole ocean

10/9

Radiators kicked on at 6 this morning after i had already rolled over to get more sleep. Very scary evil sounds. I have never had a radiator before. Perfect just in time for Halloween my apartment become scary on its own.

My stomach is doing something foul.

I am not wanting to do the work i need to do for my work job. Huhn.

I’m learning at 26 years old that i just can’t read lips. I guess i can’t be perfect.

Just got a bagel. Oh yeah.

Eating more than the daily recommended amount of Tums Chewy Bites

10/8

Listened to the new Taylor swift because i was told to and i don’t think there’s anything different about this album than any Taylor swift I’ve hear in the last decade at least. It’s not good obviously but. Idk i think people are being dramatic or else inflating her other music. At most it’s a bogey, but it feels more like par for the course to me (these are golf terms, that may seem confusing because as you know i am nonbinary, but i have actually been golfing before) (proof:🏌️)

10/7

Feeling like Worm Soilman right now. (Worm Soilman is a character that i made up when me and @idi were coming up with kojima-type names, all that i know about him right now is that he basically lives in the dirt or at least loves dirt. Maybe he studies it idk. But you can imagine what kind of guy he would be based on that. That’s what I’m feeling like currently. And by the way nobody says anything about his name being Worm Soilman. That’s not part of it.)

Thinking also about H telling me last night that i should eat a hard boiled egg on the train every morning. Still laughing about the image of a guy cracking and peeling and eating an egg on the train in the morning. Really funny to me.

10/7

Drank a Celsius thinking: well I’m a little sleepy this ought to help. And now i feel like I’m actually dying. How are you guys drinking caffeine every morning. Idk how much ‘energy drink’ translates to coffee but like. I’m so jittery it’s awful. I would rather be tired. Not dissimilar to the shakiness i started feeling every time i got high right before i quit smoking. Perhaps i am simply weak. Food for thought.

10/7

Not to reference a tweet of mine, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my tweet “when you try to riff and fail it makes the sound from guitar hero when you miss a note” or something along those lines. Because this is how it feels to riff for me. When you are on a hot streak you can activate ‘Star Power’ to double your score multiplier and light up the whole screen with blue lightning. And likewise, when you miss a note, it can easily lead you to missing successive notes, losing your rhythm and causing you to fail the song. I’ve seen this happen to people. One bad riff and suddenly you’re floundering (in the bad way). The trick is to keep moving, you can’t focus on the missed note. Please sign up for my Riffing 101 course.

Inspired by talking to several different people at the bar on Sunday with mixed results. To be clear i only missed a couple notes but i witnessed some real flops. This one guy kept trying to get a Hunter Biden riff going and nobody wanted to go there with him. I could hear the crowd booing. The feedback on the amp. Harrowing stuff.

10/7

- stomachache on Sunday from stress/eating eggs i think

- decided that drinking beers would solve this rather than #dwelling on it

- Sunday night at the bar

- getting kind of flirted with by two gay men

- very flattered, they didn’t mean it all that seriously it was all in good fun

- one of them gave me some incredible fragrance recommendations based on his read of me and i have taken them to heart and will be pursuing these perfume notes posthaste

- finally warmed up to the hot nonbinary bartender who I’ve been sort of intimidated by

- did a little bit of vague flirting at them

-received well

- got invited to their first shift at the women’s sports bar that just opened up in the neighborhood

- closed out ready to head home

- stuck around to talk to bartender more

- they gave me a free shot

- mistake but i had no choice but to accept

- drunker than i planned

- out later than i planned

- slept poorly

- weird dreams

- interview at 11 in person

- interview went really well, i have a few other ones scheduled as well, we will see where it goes

- @big-green-girl in Chicago for work

- sushi with my dear friend

- got to show her my little fiefdom (neighborhood + more importantly my apartment)

- good nice night imo

- rained all night

- weirder dreams

- overslept due to the power of relaxing rain sounds (real)

- at work now

The End

10/5

Sundays is about getting a fit off at the farmers market and not buying anything. It’s about showing up. It’s about going to the coffee shop you like and making moral judgements about the character of the barista based on what songs she’s playing. It’s about going shopping for a new shirt for your interview tomorrow and buying a bunch of cute nonbinary tops instead.

It’s about drive it’s about power

We stay hungry, we devour

Put in the work, put in the hours and take what's ours (ahoo)

- Dwayne Rock Johnson

10/4

What i love about making eggs for breakfast is the way they make me nauseous for hours afterwards.

Made a big stink this morning about being “in my egg era” and now i am clutching my tummy from experiencing slight discomfort. What’s that about.

10/2

I’ve been being really hot lately (wearing a tank top and necklace under my long sleeve dickies button up)

Thought you should know

10/2

Had one of those nights where i walk back into my apartment and say aloud “what a charmed life i lead”, and fall into bed.

Called my mom to tell her about Spain while i got ready. She’s funny. Then i went to BAR at like 8, with plans to have M meet me there after work at 9:30. My friend J was working and we had a really nice talk for a while since it was slow. Then it got a bit busier so i went onto my sudoku book.

As im rounding out my second of four puzzles, i hear someone next to me be like oh my god hey, and i turn and its literally K, me and M’s barber. It was really nice to see them, we caught up and i have locked in that they do actually like me and it’s not just because i pay them to cut my hair. They said they walked in and saw someone doing sudoku with good hair and i was like lmao it’s your hair! I told them M was coming by later and we’d swing by and say hey, then they went out to the #new patio, which is really good.

I did two more sudokus and chatted with a couple other friends of J’s, who said it was like Oops All Regulars tonight (that’s my joke actually, they didn’t say that) and then M came in.

No secret here, i love that They, but it was really nice to see them and goof around. We got drinks that tasted like a Lemon cookie. It was called Lemon Cookie. We went and met Ks other friends and tried to help name a new cat that one of them got. Then we went back inside to do more goofing. Had this ego driven thought while we were hanging like “man I’m being awesome right now”, which was funny because i was being very regular actually. We went and got pizza and chatted some more, then they dropped me off.

Then i had a dream that we just kept hanging out, only we were in my parents basement. Other than that it was completely normal and realistic. Until i was like damn it’s getting late, which woke me up.

When i went back to sleep i had a crazy style dream.

I was in a jailbroken mashup of my two favorite games growing up. Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, and Jak and Daxter. There were some other gamecube influences but in the dream i had somehow mashed these two up so you could play them at the same time. It was cool. These are both games that i have played and love so much. I have considered doing a 100% speedrun for both. Not to compete, just to have done it. I digress. I climbed up this big mountain and glided down using my boomerangs. You can do this in Ty.

I landed next to a static npc, when you looked at them it said “press Y to interact”. And i goofed around before talking to them.

Drifting in a circle in the air around them was a skeleton of some animal that was engulfed in this wispy translucent blue green flame ghost. I activated the cutscene and the npc kept referring to the skeleton ghost as “homo habillus” “ah yes, the humble homo habillus” despite the fact that the skeleton was clearly quadrupedal.

After explaining what the deal was, the npc did something which caused the ghost to split from the skeleton. The ghost drifted away, and the skeleton returned to the ground, thinking it was still alive.

We were on a beach overlooking the ocean that was simultaneously made of water and sand. Like the skeleton it was alive and dried up and dead at the same time. Whatever had been done to the skeleton had caused a similar change to all kinds of skeletons, which rose from the depths and lurched at one another, driven by predator instincts.

These huge bone beasts of dinosaurs and whales and sharks threw themselves at eachother with reckless abandon, which no muscles to move around properly, and no stomachs to fill by consuming.

Because they had no muscles they relied on the waves to move them around, so it was easy to predict where they were heading and steer clear. They just lunged towards anything smaller than them. When they crashed against the shore, their bones would crack, but when they managed to catch another skeleton in their mouths, the cracks would heal.

I had to traverse this beach/ocean and was able to lure them towards each other easily by following the path of the ripples.

Very visual dream, i can still see so much of it so clearly. That’s about all i can recall plot wise though.

9/30

Okay one last thing about #ComingOut. My brothers wife, T, said to me “one of the things i admire most about you is how intentional you are about everything you do, it really inspires me”, which even writing it down right now makes me want to cry. Sometimes someone will tell you something about yourself that is so true that you will never stop holding it in your hands. “Intentional” is not one of the main words that would have come to mind when describing myself, but it certainly is now. I am so motivated by the pursuit of growth, and so deliberate in all decisions that i make, and it feels so incredible to have this, probably my most hard-earned and effortful trait, be recognized so clearly and readily by someone who loves me. It is a miracle to be understood, and i am so lucky for it.

Okay actually im also just going to leave this text from my brother here too:

“On top of everything else this last week I want to thank you for talking with T and I at the bar the other night.

I am so proud of you.

And continue to be inspired by how much care and work you put in to be the best version of yourself.

I hope you know how much I love you and that I’m here for you always with anything”

I feel so fueled and energized by this recognition. My power grows even moreso. And with intent, i will use this to push me along further in pursuit of my goals. I think im going to have an awesome therapy today.

9/30

Two things on my Agenda to Get Into:

Toxic Avenger

Tintin

9/30

Jetlagg the pirate. Just thought of that idk.

Okay Spain.

I had a lovely time. Sort of two overlapping vacations. One where i am chilling my ass off in Spain with my brother and his wife, drinking and snacking and practicing my Spanish. And the other where I’m basically babysitting my sisters who resent the fact that they do need to be babysat, and are directing that resentment at me. With that said, it was still a lot of fun. I love Spain, regardless of the nonbinary baddie who wants me so badly, i think I’d be trying to go back asap anyways. I love me some tapas, i am learning that maybe i actually do like drinking red wine. Drank a local wine mixed drink that was like a sangria but way better imo. Running out to buy ingredients to make it at home this evening. I had so much of that shit I’m addicted. Tinto de verano. I was pleasantly surprised by how much Spanish came back to me despite not practicing at all in quite a while, made me want to get back into it, i know a lot it’s just conversationally that my lack of experience shows.

Where my brother and his wife live in Madrid is so cool, their apartment is from the 1850s, and that entire part of town was so clearly built at a point where pedestrians were the default consideration, which is so so so so nice and refreshing. Would have loved to take the metro more, but my sisters were too nervous. Went to a good museum, and a lot of good bars and restaurants.

On my second day there i told my brother that I’d asked the family to start using my preferred name. I left it at that for a bit, not wanting to make a big thing of it. Then on our fifth or sixth day there i asked him and his wife to go out for another drink after the girls went home. I love them both so dearly, and they have always loved me back. I told them I’m nonbinary and it went really well. Went exactly how i had planned and anticipated, and i think it really made up for the awkwardness of it not being my choice with my mom and dad. This got to be on my terms, the way i wanted it, i got to choose to do this, and i was completely in control. The love with which they received it was so sweet and warm, and they really seemed to understand and be so supportive and proud of me. I could not have asked for anything more than what i got. There was a big painting of a minion behind me while i did it.

Every time i come out, i realize how much more important it is to me than i let on. Makes me feel a bit stupid for thinking i knew better. Like I’m a baby. I’m going pronouns in bio mode. I’m going extended family and strangers mode. Soon. I’m actually like. #Proud.

My brother also separately thanked me for dealing with all of the logistics and keeping everything running smoothly. Which meant a lot after my sisters basically couldn’t have given less of a shit. I got in two little spats with my sister, who was being so self absorbed and difficult that it was really hard to keep my patience, and so antagonistic towards me that i really didn’t feel like continuing to bend over backwards to keep taking care of her. But i did. I was kind of the parent of the trip. This is a new role I’m playing in my family lately. The centered one. I’ve got my peculiarities, but I’m good at being an adult now, I’m good at managing things. I’m smart and capable.

This trip reminded me of how good at traveling i am. I am at peace and so willing to hand myself over to the whims of the trip. I enjoy just being along for the ride. This is a recent change for me. And it dovetails really well with something I’ve been contending with lately wrto identity and authenticity. I find a lot of peace and comfort just being Self in any place or time. I like the speed that the Spanish live at, and it was easy for me to settle into it, but i didn’t feel like i was trying to blend in or make an effort to Be. I was just being Me in Spain, authentic to myself and my setting. Not sure if this makes sense unless you are my therapist and have been listening to me talk about this for a while. It’s something I’ve been working on and paying attention to.

Feeling bolstered and confident. Good!

9/29

Okay i officially have a date. At [indeterminate date + location] in Madrid with hot They Them. Now i just have to go there. They followed me on Instagram. Which can only mean one thing. We are in love.

I’m ready to say something brave that A Lot of you will hate me for:

I think Cameron Winter fucking sucks. Dogshit. I’m sorry but that’s the way it is.

Just went into an alternate universe where i know what people from high school are up to (accidentally switched into an old instagram account) and i think that universe is bad actually. Nothing against those people it just really doesn’t seem like My Business.

9/29

I intend to do a more thorough recap of my Spain trip later but the most important thing to me right now is this:

Hottest nonbinary I’ve ever seen in my life matched with me on tinder on the last day i was there and is begging me to come back to Spain. They’re saying they might come to Chicago but it won’t be until next year. This is so fucked up i need this so bad. Idgaf what i have to do, im going back to Madrid for this They if it kills me.

9/21

My sisters got in yesterday. Took C to my bar while we waited for L to land. Picked her up and the we all ran around my neighborhood. Really loved getting to show them my little life I’ve built here. I’m proud of it and they think it’s really cute.

Today we got breakfast, then went to the farmers market, then ran around a little and did some shopping. M came and met up with us and i was so glad they got to meet my sisters and vice versa. I love them all so much i felt so excited having them all in one place. My guys…

The level of neuroticism between the three of us is quite high. The girls are really anxious nervous about flying and well, I’m just anxious in general. I’m actually doing a great job locking in and being safe and reassuring for my sisters. It makes me really happy and i feel so grown. I’m parenting. Really getting to reflect on how well put together and adult i have become. I have incredible strength and confidence and i know how to handle most situations. Being very forward about this because i know they need to see it.

Part of me was wishing the girls could just spend a week in Chicago with me. That would be fun too.

9/20

Feeling emotionally hungover. Got really caught up last night thinking about being #single, which i know is not a productive thought train, and yet it is so alluring sometimes. The way in which i am self aware to a fault sometimes gives me this itch like there’s something everyone else knows and notices about me that i can’t or haven’t seen, and it sort of drives me crazy. Then i feel like a dog chasing my own tail, trying to create a revelation about my own nature just by running towards it. There are logical reasons why i haven’t met anyone organically lately, and i have to acknowledge the fact that i just straight up wasn’t dating for a good while, which was a conscious decision. I think i am spoiled by how much love is around me all of the time, and sometimes it warps my perception. In the morning light i am feeling normal about it once again. Going to go to the coffee shop and look mysterious and alluring sitting at the window.

The new Wednesday is excellent. I’m staking my claim on “the way love goes”. if anyone thinks they like that song more than me, they can fight me and lose. That’s Mine. That belongs to me.

9/18

Had a good night. Went on my nightly walk and popped into the bar for a celebratory “good interview” beer. My friend K was working and lit up when i walked in. I met his boyfriend who was really sweet, and some other friends of his, and we gabbed it up talking about movies. He’s working on a graphic novel that sounds really cool. He made the whole bar, which was pretty full for a Wednesday night, watch Alien Romulus because i had mentioned it, which made me feel so powerful. Did my little sudoku while he did his job and he kept swinging by to chat. It was very nice! I basically skipped home walking on sunshine type beat.

Today i am doing my best to meet some work deadlines because i am off for the next week. Weird timing for all my job stuff but, who cares, it’s happening either way. I’m excited and also nervous. I think it will be good.

9/17

Gomplex is back, no one has ever smoked an interview like i just did. They’re begging me to take this job. And i might! It was a good interview i liked the company. We shall see! Another one tomorrow with a different company but I’m feeling really confident now which is great.

It really don’t take much.

9/17

If Elon musk hadn’t ruined everything by buying twitter, i would know what everyone was thinking about Alien Earth. Instead i have to intentionally seek it out by going on Reddit dot com, a place i have always been scared to go to. The issue over there is that it is one hundred percent the type of people who leave comments online. If you know what i mean. Most normal people don’t do that. Creates a horrible atmosphere, but sometimes they have information that i want. Such as are you guys rocking with Timothy Olyphant to the degree that i am? I am going in to reddit to find out.

9/16

I saw a guy straddling a motorcycle googling “how to ride a motorcycle”. Well i didn’t see it, i imagined it, which is nearly as good as seeing it. Welcome to my wonderful cheerful mind. (Had a good therapy session).

Every day of my life is so much better thanks to my friend Couchie.

9/16

I think i deserve a clone. We would be equitable about it. One of us wouldn’t go evil. It would be nice and amicable really. There wouldn’t be one that grows an evil goatee and ends up wearing an eyepatch and becomes obsessed over who the True Bugleague is. That wouldn’t happen we would be normal. So science… let’s do this guys. Hit my line let’s make something happen.

9/16

If i do an emoji on here does it look normal? 🙎specifically this one🙎

I’ve written up my ratings for all of the nonbinary apple emojis and i think it’s really good actually. But maybe this is not the place to post it idk. Lmk yall. Spent half the day applying to jobs and the other half rating nonbinary emojis yesterday. Then i watched a vampire movie. Good use of time imo.

9/15

Been “feeling weird”. I find I’m saying that all the time lately which is so stupid. What i should be doing is having a beautiful mindset.

What I’m fealing weird about today is job. Three things here:

I feel really self conscious and embarrassed about how long I’ve been saying i want to quit my job. Feels so pathetic that i haven’t been able to get myself out of there yet, and i feel like the people who care about me most are watching me do this thing where i don’t solve my problem and then it continues to hurt me. And i have trouble contending with this feeling beyond naming it. The solution is to do the thing.

So i am doing the thing. Remade my resume and started really aggressively going out for jobs this weekend. I’ve taken a few calls today from recruiters, i have ten or so applications out, TWO interviews on Wednesday, and ideally more after that. I don’t like doing job-speak but I’m improving maybe? I worry that the degree to which i don’t buy into it all comes through. I should be feeling good about this but it stresses me. Such is my nature. I will feel better when it is over.

There’s all this other stuff that i can’t really do until i handle job. But it’s stuff i want to do and am excited for. Thinking strongly about getting a cat perhaps. Want to bleach my hair again and of course pierce my ears. Having some interesting new thoughts on gender id like to explore some more i feel like every time i feel I’ve got it nailed down i find out there’s more there. In a good way.

I think I’ll go to the gym and fix everything real quick. Easy actually.

9/13

Go to Xfinity to have them remove the extra $12 charge they’ve been applying to my Internet bill each month.

+$12/month. Feel good about saving that money.

Immediately commit to $25 monthly donation to World Wildlife Fund because an autistic trans girl told me she loved my curls and godzila shirt.

-$13/month

Cancel my other $20 monthly charity donation because frankly i cannot afford both right now. And they got three good years out of me (i signed up in a near identical situation, women who work soliciting in wicker park for charitable orgs have got my fucking number). Feel bad about it.

+7/month + guilty conscience

Cancel streaming service i am not using

+15/month that still feels like not really making a dent

Stop buying dozens of vhs tapes and going out to eat all the time: untold thousands saved. Time will tell. Just as soon as i go to spain real quick.

Trying to get my costs down so i can worry less about new jobs. That’s still going on fyi, it’s just not been going well.

9/12

I think i figured out why i love my They hat so much. There’s nothing i love more than clothes that are extremely on the nose about my whole deal. Makes me feel like a cartoon character.

My favorite shirt of all time, which i was so scared of losing that i ordered four extra copies of, is a bright colored scene of all different kinds of animals together in communion with “KEEP US AROUND” down at the bottom. It stirs something in me.

Walking around today wearing my green shirt with the earth on it that says “my world, your world, OUR world”.

My other favorite shirts are all dog centric. And then there’s my butterfly motif shirts. One of which is just a butterfly and the name FRAN.

Being on the nose is awesome. I’m like fuck yeah that rocks. I want another hat that just says ENGINEER.

Okay actually here’s my idea: black hat with Velcro patch that i can swap out the word on depending on the day.

Okay actually im just reinventing heathcliff helmets. But that’s the point kind of. I like feeling like I’d fit right into a comic strip. Im a sucker for good character design.

9/11

I’m about to crash out there is literally no way to turn off the setting on my phone that smooths out my skin in every photo. I’m going to kill steve apple i already have body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria, i don’t need you fucking me up like this. I know what i look like!!! I have eyes. More useless bullshit bells and whistles forced down my throat!! When will tech companies learn that i know better than they do what i want. I don’t want an AI breakdown of my google search that gets in the way of what i actually searched for!! Fuck you!! I don’t need motion smoothing on my tv, it’s ugly as fuck and if people actually wanted it, you’d be charging for it!!! I don’t want my shit to be enhanced!! I am experienced in taking and editing photos!! I don’t need your help, i know more than you. They shove all of these “helpful” things between the user and the actual tool such that it is impossible to use unless you are stupid. I think this time I’m really gonna do it. 2026 is dumb phone year. You’re about to be getting green texts from me idgaf i can’t do this no more.

9/11

I don’t think there’s anything more embarrassing than someone in a tiktok sort of just hanging out in the foreground while they impotently wait for the video behind them to finish playing so they can say something about it. Sometimes they make a face while it’s going on as if to say “i disagree with what’s going on, just you wait until i tell you about it”. Sometimes they start the video like “you need to see this” and then they just stay there. Gives me the ick the yuck the hooblek. Nothing worse than a middle aged man doing this. Hank Green i will Fucking Get You.

Anyways I’m thinking it’s time for me to stop being addicted to Instagram reels, which is something i did on purpose to prove a point.

9/11

I just found out all ceramic toilets are made by hand and it’s making me emotional.

Toilet ceramicists you are so loved.

9/10

Thinking about one of my friends in 4th grade telling everybody he discovered secret characters on smash bros that you could only unlock by touching the disk with a wire from the inside of the Wii while it was running. Lmao. Currently doing this to homebrew my Wii.

9/9

You might think it’s getting warmer again. But it’s actually not.

Now that summer is over and it’s not going to be hot anymore, which is true, it’s time for me to lock in and get my money right. Just as soon as i go to Spain real quick. But after that. I’ll be able to put it all together.

9/8

Federal agent at my fucking door asking me who lives there. ICE and cops swarming the blue line station with K-9 units. Concerning!

I’m getting addicted to creating miis on the Nintendo Wii. I’m good at it.

9/8

Procrastinating.

Feeling normal today. I’m glad i went back to stl, and I’m also glad to be home. I like it here. Played a bunch of Wii last night and lost track of time but that’s okay because i my sleep schedule was already so weird this weekend that i think it evened out.

@mothbaby said this weekend was like being in college again. And true.

Stay prayed up.

9/7

Thank you god Jesus for the city of Saint Louis. Stunning really how much of my recent weirdness can be attributed to homesickness. St. Louis invented love and friendship and if you haven’t been there you haven’t experienced it. Love all my friends so dearly, it was so great to see you all again.

I’m back in Chicago, renewed in strength. And i have my parents Nintendo Wii. So I’m up. Once more.

Woke up on the train to a random flashback to a song from a twilight zone episode that me and my high school gf were obsessed with.

Dragon Ball would have be better if Future Trunks was nonbinary, but main timeline trunks wasn’t.

9/4

What this world needs more than anything is the return of The Outbursts of Everett True

9/4

Thrilled to announce that it is officially long sleeve shirt under t shirt time. I’m like the groundhog but real. It’s fall now.

9/2

I went to therapy and then the gym and then i helped a guy push his car to the gas station. Now im feeling more like Goku. Or at least Krillin.

Lowkey feeling like Shinji

I have concluded my bender. And today i am feeling Odd. In need of a factory reset of some sort.

I just saw an Eagle. Why does Eagle autocapitalize? I just saw a hawk i just saw a bear i just saw a bird i just saw a beaver i just saw a worm. Okay weird.

I feel the need to Solve what’s been going on with me lately. Clearly the bender didn’t help. Didn’t hurt either, i had fun and made some new friends. But on my return to normal, nothing has changed. I’m on the case.

Think i will take a break from social media (including here) soon. Gotta get off my phone. Soon, but not now. I have some things to do first.

8/29

I forget how much fun parties are. And how often i am very good at them. I am so fond of everyone. Now, time to dwell on the one word i said weird after my Nth drink.

Okay yall i have elected to come to stl next weekend. But won’t be back in time for zine release :/ i will text the relevant parties soonly to make arrangements. Gobless.

Party was just what i needed to fix my recent weirdness. I love M so much, and it was so good to meet more of their friends and just have a big laugh. I think i am making progress on becoming real friends with L, independent of M, as well as a few of Ms other friends. My power and influence continues to grow. And it must be remembered that all of this is happening because i got a new couch. None of this could have transpired if not for Couchie.

Golf was fine mostly but i don’t want to talk about it. Not going again if i can help it.

8/26

I understand that the rules for right wing fabricated outrage are that we adopt the opposite position from them because they are insane and evil, but the new Cracker Barrel logo was worse. It was just not worse in a woke way. It was worse in a corporate reblanding way. Coining “reblanding” feel free to use, i feel there will be plenty of opportunity for this.

My idea to give everyone what they want is to change the name to this:

CrkrBrl (She/Her)

The cause of all your woes is capitalism. Obviously.

8/26

They are making me play golf tomorrow and i have never been more pissed. Had a stress dream about it last night. I wish this coworker would learn to LEAVE ME ALONE. Instead of going behind my back to my boss and signing me up to golf with him because i “never have any fun”. First off this is not fun for me. Second off i fucking hate your guts. Third off ask me first next time. Prick.

Anyways ignoring how angry i am right now, i had fun last night. Went out to dinner with M & L and a couple of their friends for Ms birthday. I was feeling like the gift i had wasn’t good but then i stopped feeling like that because i hit it out of the park sort of. After dinner we got ice cream and went to a bar and i talked to L for a while. I really want her to like me. But i want everyone to like me.

Trying to unclench my jaw. I don’t want to golf i don’t want to golf i don’t want to golf i don’t want to golf. Not sure I’ll be able to hide my disdain tomorrow. And so what.

8/25

Gender litmus test: if you think that my hat that says THEY on it in huge letters is extremely funny, you understand my gender. If you think this is like a pronoun pin, it’s actually nothing like that. At all. If anything it’s like I’m supporting my favorite team, the Chicago THEMs.

At goodwill and the cashier, quick on his feet, calls me something between Man and Ma’am. He understood the assignment. He’s getting extra credit actually. Also fine to just loudly substitute THEY in for any gendered word, no conjugation needed.

8/25

Network down at work. Could be all week. So i am putting on a light jacket and running errands. Wearing my new Funny Hat and trying to gauge how funny it is to anyone other than me. God bless.

8/24

Alien Earth is so good it’s genuinely doing everything i always wanted from Alien. What other kind of weird goobers are out there in space? What’s going on with earth? Cyborg android transhumanist stuff. Retro futurist tech with clicky buttons and knobs. As much as i liked Romulus, it felt more like a really good fan film. Which in some ways it was. But this is like. (So far) a real exploration of the ideas of the original and i think Prometheus as well, just folded into the mainline stuff a little more coherently. Idk if we’ll get any engineer or black goo stuff, but the creator/creation immortality mind/body problem stuff is wicked and right up front. A treat for sickos like me. Timothy Oliphant android with bleached white hair i have grown so fond of you.

8/24

Having an archetypical Sunday. Woke up hungover, lurched around the apartment until noon. Showered and called my sister. Walked to the farmers market and didn’t get anything but enjoyed the company. The cross walk guy always makes me laugh, he gave me a high five today. Walked to the coffee shop i like and got the green citrus tea i like and a slice of zucchini bread. Kept on walking and stumbled upon a peach tree growing in someone’s yard (i think they were peaches as least) and a little yard sale. Smiled at a baby who smiled right back while waiting to cross the street. Walked through the park which is hosting some sort of event playing live music. Sat under a tree reading my book. It is mid seventies and sunny with a breeze. It is so peaceful. Excellent.

Had a weird freak out on Friday, but i think I’m better now. As content as i am with everything right now i have been feeling very alone lately. Only thing that can be done about that is keep trying.

8/22

Finished up some of my apartment-ings and cleaned up my mess and I’m really happy with how everything is working together. This is literally my world.

Settling into feeling good about where i am with everything. Life is awesome.

8/21

It has come to my attention that every morning i do the Charlie Brown walk as I’m coming into the office, and every afternoon when i leave i am smiling and skipping and jumping. Barely an exaggeration. Anyways I’m leaving work early again. Walking to the train doing triple jumps like Mario.

8/21

Ever since visiting @ashley i have developed an infatuation with Eric Adams. He is like a specimen to me i love to study his behavior.

My couch arrived yesterday, a full week early, and i was so excited that i left work early to go home and bring it inside. Caught on my neighbors ring camera hauling three 90lb boxes up the stairs to my apartment by myself.

Put the couch together and didn’t even really take the time to enjoy it before moving onto my other projects. Something has seriously shifted in me and i need to keep pulling on this thread i think.

FaceTimed my sister for a couple hours while i was painting furniture and finally had a good debrief about all my recent family drama. I love her so much she understands me so well that it is incredibly easy to tell her anything. She understood the nuance with which i have been upset with my mother, bless her misguided heart.

On pace to finish two of my little projects this evening, just in time for M to come over tomorrow. Haven’t seen them in a while and I’m excited to see them, but equally excited to have someone to walk around my apartment and point at all the things I’ve done recently.

I think depending on how the last coat of paint comes out, i have a few other pieces of furniture I’d like to sand down and repaint, trying to figure out if it’s tacky or inspired to paint them all the same color (orange).

Before that though i gotta figure out my guitar situation. I need to find someone even smarter than me to ask about this.

But my vision is coming together. Slowly but surely. As foretold.

Reflecting on some of what i read in Braiding Sweetgrass a couple days ago about animism and the implicit ways in which the English language is shaped to restrict personhood not only to humans, but also within that group. I have long joked that everything is a person to me, but this is something i genuinely find is true to me, and has been the case for most of my life. Kimmerer says this is something we are born doing, and are slowly corrected into seeing everything as an “it”, an object not a subject.

Braiding Sweetgrass and Parable of the Sower categorized as “books that reveal truths that have always felt self evident to me, and god is it such a relief to have it validated in this way, makes me feel less alone”. I need to be reading more.

8/20

When my couch gets here it’s over for you motherfuckers.

Made dinner and worked on my projects last night feeling so gratified by being able to put my brain and body behind something that i actually give a fuck about. Working is fun and i am so good at it, but i dont care about jobs. I love working with my hands. I must get into carpentry somehow.

8/19

Life hack: leave work early again.

8/18

Wait maybe I’m literally doing well. Went to my local hardware store to buy some sandpaper. The owner was the only employee and was really nice. Fuck Home Depot, I’m a Yu’s Hardware guy from now on. i waved my one sheet of sandpaper around the neighborhood on my walk home like yes I’m literally butch. Sanded down some furniture in the alley and had some nice interactions with neighbors. Literally drinking high life. Finished sanding exactly as it started to rain. Brought that shit inside and I’m painting primer now. I have had this little table for since i moved to Chicago i found it in the alley but it’s drifted around and sort of just been a space filler but even just with the white coat on it looks actually nice. I think I’m going to paint the base orange and leave the top white maybe ? Unless i want to get a little fancy with it and do green or something in the center. We shall see, I’ll probably finish priming tonight and then take another look at it tomorrow after therapy.

Moral of the story, projects will fix you.

8/18

I am finding myself in what I would call a "funk". I'm not depressed exactly, it's sort of different from that. But anyway I am feeling down and off in a way that has been so annoying more than anything. I've been doing so much stuff lately that makes me think "thats so bugleague", and yet that's not really getting to the root of the funk.

I have elected to displace the funk with consumption, as I finally got paid and my family paid me back some of what they owe me. This, i feel like talking about. Pouring my energy primarily into "Home Improvement".

I bought a CRT VHS combo tv on marketp