Engagement ring tips for men

by istván.

2023. május 5.

As a gemcutter and jeweler, I've posted quite a bit of advice on the Fediverse about rings for young men who are planning to propose. This month, I decided to consolidate all of that into an effortpost.

1. A ring is not an investment

New cars lose half their value when they drive off the lot: jewelry loses even more.

Unless you are purchasing an investment-grade rock, where the price after hours of fighting still works out to US $30,000 or more, you don't actually have a stone that's rare. Your stone has very little value in the competitive commercial gemstone market – especially when being sold by your hands.

If someone wants a diamond and has the budget for the diamond, I can have a matching stone in their requested cut, clarity, color, and carat weight in the shop within three days. That's not rare. A rare stone is when someone asks for it and we have to say, "Tell us your budget and give us three to six months to search for what's out there."

It's very unlikely anyone will ever care about anything other than the metal if the day comes that you decide to scrap out the diamond ring. People are upset when I tell them the diamond they had appraised at $6,000 only costs me $1,000 to buy. Why should I buy theirs? I don’t even want a diamond!

By the way, appraisals are a scam and have nothing to do with value. If something is rare, it doesn't matter what you have it appraised for because the insurer can never replace it.

2. A diamond is not forever

Diamonds crack as easily as cheap quartz points. The only thing that makes a diamond special is its resistance to scratching and comparatively high refractive index and dispersion, meaning it sparkles better and creates fire even when cut flatter.

There are many stones more brilliant than diamond and with higher dispersion than diamond, but they tend to have very poor hardness.

Diamonds suck in terms of toughness. They routinely break by being struck on the girdle (the line separating the top and the bottom, where it is set). It can happen when bumping into a supermarket checkout, a cart, hitting the porcelain sink, and many other ways.

If you want to protect your stone, bezel set it. Everything was bezel set before 150 years ago. It costs a teeny bit more in metal but avoids all the hazards of side damage and lost stones. You lose a little light but gain peace of mind.

3. Consider a different stone

You can do a lot of nice things with color gems on a smaller budget. And a smaller cost means you will be less pressured to get into the jewelry insurance scam.

The average wedding ring can be purchased three times over during the course of a marriage for what people pay in jewelry insurance.

It is a scam.

Don't buy a rock she will be afraid to wear and that puts you into horrible debt. Put the money toward your home.

4. Never buy off the shelf

A pre-made ring has far more loaded onto its cost. You have the store's profit, the salesperson's commission, the profit of the design house, their sales rep, the gem broker, the gold broker, and the casting house. At least.

There often is little room to negotiate because some of the design companies pursue legal action against jewelers who go under the MSRP. Unless you find someone having a "75% off going out of business sale," where the retiring store owner subcontract a company to fill their showcases with overpriced garbage prior to closing and splits the profits.

Buy a stone you want to see her wearing.

Go to a gem show if you want the best price. Never order from eBay sellers in India unless you plan on sending it to me to recut it. There are cutters on Etsy who can get you amazing American cut and American mined sapphires for $500 or less.

Once you have the stone, have it set. Find a local jeweler who is an actual bench jeweler, not a retailer under the Sterling-Signet brand. Who is under that brand? Probably anyone you have ever seen advertised:

Your local jeweler can do a custom wax or order a pre-made setting you like and set the stone according to your budget.

I've never seen an engagement ring where the metal work and accent stones together cost more than $1,000 to make in 18K gold. And that's with our profit margin included.

Women's settings don't cost much unless you do something stupid like surround the entire band in tiny diamonds so she has a million prongs poking her fingers and you are forever paying as stones fall out.

5. Don't do novelty metals

These will be a nightmare as you go through life and accidents happen.

Those cool inlay rings you see? They are all held together with super glue and will fall apart when exposed to years of showers, dish soap, and a couple spilled shots of whiskey. It's in the fine print. And you can never resize them.

That titanium or tungsten band is going to be a problem when the fire department is called to the hospital. I’ve personally had to train emergency staff on how to saw through these metals with a Dremel and carbide tools because the doctor wanted to deglove someone’s finger, destroy their nerves, and leave them with Frankenstein scars when the firemen failed.

Palladium seems cool until the ring shatters from repeated contact with chlorine at the pool.

Just get silver, gold, or platinum. Everyone knows what to do with them and has the tools.

6. White gold, especially 14K white, is a money pit

I hope you enjoy paying for rhodium plating. Rhodium is at $8,750 an ounce right now, and a jar of plating solution is a $35,000 investment for a jewelry shop. Think about the cost in 10 or 20 years.

Do you truly believe you are going to get free plating service forever from whoever sold you your ring? I don't. And if they try to do that they will eventually be out of business. Things have changed as platinum family metals have found use in military and space technology. It's only going to get worse.

18K gold and platinum are about the same price, and are only a slight one-time premium. They pay for themselves within five years and the metals hold more value.

7. If she says yes but complains about the ring: run

You and your fiancée have a fundamental mismatch in aesthetics. Even worse, she is extremely vulnerable to social pressure. That's dangerous these days, and you might be dealing with someone who could harm your children to get attention and praise for herself.

Engagement is a shit test that goes both ways.

If she loves the thought you put into the ring and loves that it came from you, you should have a long and happy future together.

Wishing you much happiness and financial security in your new life together.

⬅ /brainsocks.xyz/gemlog/2023