12/12/2025

I am hammering things into the walls of the apartment, and all I can think is my neighbors must hate this. Sorry neighbors.

BREAKING NEWS: Baltimore the cat is still alive! The title for biggest cat stays with him. He is huge.

I think of new ways to hate my old job more and more everyday. Quit your dumb job Today! (Find another job first tho.)

Poetry is cool, but I haven't written anything new lately. I think I'll fine-tune something for tonights performance. Or maybe inspiration will hit me, who knows. Tonight will be the night I have to most folks over for yfpn. I'll see how this goes, I like keeping the space intimate, but also maybe this could look like a more open thing. I'm keeping the friend intimacy regardless, I have to know you for you to enter my home.

So consistently disappointed with poetry scenes. Making my own poetry scene is my only way to escape this. I keep my conscious clean! poem by Jo. And I think my past leniency has aided in this, trying to be a people pleasing person, but I need to be an authentic loving human to my homies. Yes, optimism. But also when somethings telling you what they are, and they don't see the wrong, believe them!

God and action. Action is so much more than words could ever be. In that is also a poem, the diction and tone lift the words. Is it stupid? Is it all fucking stupid? And the thing is, before I was ever properly into poetry, I went to an event space with J and saw mainly black and brown poets all performing poems they had all fully memorized with live improvised music in the background. It was beautiful. The whole thing floored me. I have never seen that space again. Maybe I would if I had instagram. And it must exist out there in stl! I've been in an echo chamber of the same bs stl has offered, and there is in fact more. Modern day segregation is a huge factor. All the poetry spaces I've been in are incredibly white washed. There are huge swatches of stl I've yet to fully see. Yes, I aid in it, I aid in it. Need to tap in fully. I want to witness new spaces, and not take them over.

Anyway, normally would keep this to myself, please correct me if I said some stupid shit.

12/9/2026

Did way too much for Christmas. Put everything under the tree and thought, “damn, this makes me look insane.”

Where’s the holiday where my boss gives me a bunch of money?

Computer, show me how to make money fast please.

12/8/2025

Going to the gym for a little bit is better than not going at all.

My gf saying I looked like a classic tom boy unlocked something in me.

I’ll answer y’all’s text in a bit oops

12/7/2025

Clarifying: Nothing is actually fucked up about flounder.com, its actually sweet and endearing. I like how it hasn't been updated in 15 years

---

Accidentally went to flounder.com ....fucked up.

Starting new job on the 29th, I was able to get my PTO to cover the next two weeks, so I put in my two weeks yesterday. It was funny bc halfway through my shift I was like "yeah so todays my last day" and my coworkers were all like wtf??? It was nice though, because I hate the pity leads up to your last day and everyones goodbyes and my goodbyes.

Went to the print bazar afterwards along with Every Person In St. Louis. I think its funny tho that I didn't run into @monotropa lol.

Spent wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much money. I got drunk off of one beer and just started buying shit. I was so happy bc of work being done, I just blacked out and started handing people cash. The last two print bazars, I exclusively just traded art rather than spending money, so I felt like I was properly giving back this year.

Being on my own in spaces with the knowledge that I'm in a relationship is very freeing. I am not acting any other way but truly myself.

Feeling weirdly independent. I figured out what my general plans are for the next 5ish years. I have never planned this far ahead! Cool. I am working with my brain. Cradle the bird in your hands, forgetful little thing. Just needs a reason to fly, you can coax it forward and prune its little feathers.

Okay long ass flounder post, sorry. Put my journal under your books I read file.

12/3/2025

@petethecat loving grocery shopping/cooking and me loving cleaning makes us the perfect roommate combo.

Saying no to going out feels like a bad thing, but I’m so content with being home recently. Also I cannot wake up early if I’m staying out late.

I am completing a lot of task and goals recently. I got sad and didn’t do my night routine. I need to find the mental gumption to push through that feeling, and keep to routines. If I do things for myself it makes me happy. That should be enough.

Dude. Not trying to call it too soon, but I think I may be starting a new job soon (huge).

Work at cafe is still The Worst Thing Ever. Requested PTO for the next two weeks. I got told I wouldn’t have been working some of those days, so she’s only giving 2 days of pto since that is what my schedule would have been(okay, whatever). Then got scheduled on one of those days anyway. What.

When I get to put in my 2 weeks,,,,,, the thought made me so excited, that I fucking killed it at gym today.

Looking up *** symptoms. I’m making it all up prolly. Blah blah blah something about it being genetic, something about it skipping me tho, right?

12/1/2025

I did the gym too hard.

Putting the screen-distance setting on my iPhone again to torture myself. (Phone only works if you have it a certain distance from face)

I hope no one actually went to pinball tonight, because it’s snowing hard tonight bro.

I think I’m funny at pinball club, but then I try the same line of humor with my coworkers and it only lands 20% of the time. It’s like watching the logo bounce around on a screen wishing it would hit the corner.

11/29/2025

I am so not wanting to throw up right now.

Why do I eat so much expired food .

i am, your dog unattended in human form.

Only i throw up in the toilet and not on the comforter #sylviecalloutpost

They made me come into work in the snow (funny)

First thought when I see 6 inches of snow and freezing rain: "I wonder what coffee shops I can go into right now?" -My boss prolly

2019 jokes on flounder. I haven't seen a meme since 2019.

I need these job interviews to pull through, come on baby.

Went back in time to the first thanksgiving eating ancient green bean casserole, now I'm about to be sick.

This guy right now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wd2K0iVLNvM

Wendys Mcdonalds Curly fries spriet and chicken nuggets

I had probably the earliest close today (2:47 or something) Record.

11/27/2025

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for (in no particular order):

-All of my amazing and wonderful friends. They are all so special to me. (Especially Jacob!!! He is my brother)

-My family !

-My dads dedication and continual mental/time/physical sacrifice he goes through daily just for us

-How badass my mom is! All of her work to keep everything sane and together and her drive forward that literally holds everything

-How dope and cool my sister is, she is so smart and funny and I only love my car bc of her ! <3

-My roommate and my soon to be roommate!

-My car lol

-All of my house plants

-The weird self help apps I downloaded

-My gf ! The slow morning I’m having with my girlfriend

-That I got to cry this morning

-Sylvie ! She’s cuddling with me daily each morning

-having bangs

-flounder

-poetry ! How it connects me

-me cuz I’m so so so cool

-everytime I’ve been sad because feeling happy is 10x more epic that way

-queeny park

-my apartment and a place to sleep

-Getting to see family today

-Being able to feel love ! And self-love

-St. Louis and how genuinely beautiful this city is. The seasons could never compare anywhere else.

-Pinball clubbbb. This place is my church

-Transgender people. Everytime someone says “Sir, I mean ma’am, ummm excuse me, could you…” or equivalent and being part of the time period where humans slowly turn their spaces and speech gender-neutral. Every transgender person before me, and the work every single one of them put in to make my existence possible and comfortable.

-Being healthy

-Some other crap, you get the idea.

I’m more present in my body in a crazy way. Like someone wiped off some fog on my windshield. I’m just growing more I think.

My dreams are getting too vivid again. I’ve spent the last couple of mornings having to “delete” certain memories that couldn’t have been logically possible. I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night multiple times because they get to be too much. It’s funny sometimes, and very annoying at others. Hopefully will be more manageable soon.

11/25/2025

I'm glad that flounder has taken over social media for me and others (I assume).

Job searching, interviewing around.

My dad came to pinball last night, that was weird. Invited a homeless guy in my alley to pinball last night, that was weird. My sister is in town, and that is so dope. She doesn't wanna hangout with me, and that is fine she is a teenager who wants to see her friends and sigh really loud. I'll see her again at Thanksgiving.

You don't have to read this:

I feel like I'm reaching something really new. I wanna harvest my energy. My friends are all very good people. Knowing so many trans people is a blessing, and I am happy for this gift.

I know the right thing to do, I feel it. I just lack the self discipline. Habit that grew from a depressive era as a form of self punishment and laziness/apathy. Today, I made cookies for my grandpa, and gave them to him. All in one day! I had something I wanted to do, was not thrilled to execute, and still did it. And it was a good thing, he was very happy. I also cleaned the entire garage, and the entire kitchen. I want to continue this momentum. Genuine curiosity about ADHD management will also most likely help. I'm bad at execution for multiple reasons, this will be hard to break, but so so so worth it.

I'm less inclined to go out then I used to be. It's funny how much of a go-out-and-see-people kinda guy I used to be, but I'm too tired more often now. I'm trying to execute waking up at 6:45am, as I know this will be huge once obtained. Staying out past 10pm doesn't aid well in that goal.

11/22/2025

Edit: I was stoned as hell when I wrote this. Bro what are you saying rn. Speaking in tongues.

——

Depression has ruled my existence for far too long. There are 5,000 habits I have formed around it that are hard to break.

I can see this version of myself who has fully put themselves into creative endeavors, and operates in a way that utilizes activities and task for dopamine. I wanna be in touch.

I’m having to learn right now how to prioritize my goals. There’s habits I have to re-form to prioritize my goals.

I don’t know how to react to conflict with people I like/love. I was traumatized into people pleasing for so long. And I’ve done the long journey to self love and prioritizing myself, and now I don’t know how to approach in a way that’s true to my needs and to those around me. I have a lot of irrational thoughts that I know are irrational (sometimes not immediately). I don’t want to react irrationally.

I need a brain work out. I wanna have more mental strength, it takes a lot, I want to feel like it takes a little.

• Write in gender about hormones and performance later*

11/16/2025

Feeling weird. Also feeling like my hearts been ripped out, but in the panicky kinda way. I’m being dramatic, I think I’m actually just hungry right now.

Just went and talked to roommate, we’re gonna go get food. (Win)

Work was good today?????

11/15/2025

Also: Cannot wait for my sister to get back in town so I can force her to play Set with me. No one else will do this like she does.

Side note: if anyone here, or anyone you know likes to play that game, please play it with me

—-

Growth hurtsssss growth hurts !!!

Going through the classic young 20-something y/old thing where I’m realizing I don’t know everything. This time, it’s that my morals and values aren’t superior to others.

I can be comfortable with the fact that I can be wrong, and others can teach me. I think I do this at times, but not all the time.

Trying to detox from media. It has me kinda panicking ???

I’m also remembering how people with ADHD (side note: how do I say that previous sentence without feeling silly?) feel emotions more intensely. I feel panic, and I wanna jump into a familiar comfort right away. But I’m trying to create new and better coping skills. It’s hard to actively work against what your brain/being wants and is familiar with. (Gotta be kind to myself, I’m doing a good coping skill literally rn.)

The sun going down this early (5pm) doesn’t help. Once it’s dark, my sub-conscious is like “Welp! Time to be done for the day!” Which doesn’t make sense to do at this time.

Work’s jaw hurting from sucking so hard.

(Work sucks)

I am gonna put this energy into updating resume, and uploading it to various job search sites. I am an ounce away from quitting on the daily. I’m gonna do this right though, I’m gonna do the 2 week-route.

Thanks for reading :3

——

Having another good morning. The earlier I wake up, the better it is. Hmmmm.

11/14/2025

I am feeling a lot of different emotions. Kinda disheartened. I had a very good morning though. Waking up early enough to have it to myself, rather than have it feel like “I’m preparing for work” is really nice.

Trying to be productive on iPhone since it’s so hard to not phone.

11/13/2025

Work sucks: My boss has been giving me the silent treatment for over a week and a half now. She only says hello when I come in and goodbye when she leaves. She will also not look at me or make eye contact with me.

Today, she corrected me on how I hung up something wrong, but instead of looking at me, she just kind of announced it into the room. When I said sorry, she said nothing. She then just hung it correctly herself, and when I said thank you, she said nothing. In group conversations at work, she stops talking when I join in, and doesn’t talk until I am no longer in the conversation.

What. The. Actual. Fuck. Is. This. Job.

Has anyone ever gotten treated like this by your 45 year old boss???? I feel actually insane at this place.

I realized in my previous post today that I didn’t specify that I put in a pto request on our work app for the end of this month (friend wedding), and in a mass text to the whole staff she says “Do not request pto through work app, send an email (work app sends an email, but okay), we are allowed to deny any pto request, and request off black out days are the 4 days at the end of this month.”

Okay. Yes, some of that may not have to do with me necessarily. But omfg. Is there anything this woman can be normal about.

Anyway, “I hate job” solidarity with fellow fishes on flounder today.

—-

I wanted to say that Mondays pinball was magical, and I’m so grateful for that space. I grew up going to a lot of queer support groups, and finding community and connections through that. I am happy to see and foster the same environment. Tearing up at @arielatthewheel’s post. It feels great to be apart of something like it. Gonna miss my humble co-president !!!

Talking to anyone about my job results in them saying: You should quit your job. And yeah, I should quit my job. My boss is creating “call-off blackout dates” that include the one and only day I’ve requested off for a friend’s wedding. It feels like I’m in a dramatized high school tv show. I’ve never worked with someone as immature as her.

But this is also making me realize that I wanna set out real actual long term goals for myself. I was job searching yesterday, and realized that I really need to keep running towards my future. It’s okay to walk, or even crawl, but every once in a while I need to stand up and clap my hands and go “run dammit!!!” This is now that time. It’s time for new job, it’s time to budget, set out goals, really invest in no more iPhone (or no more scroll apps at least), and make more freakin art !!! I’m wondering how much energy I’m loosing at this gig honestly. I come home and immediately sleep, which is very unlike me.

Anyways….

11/9/2025

Love that everyone and also strangers are on flounder. Hold up, gotta go check out the blogs. What are people blogging about this time?

Warning: Complaining

Work makes me feel like an insane person. Saying one thing to me, doing another, ALL THE TIME!!! Getting reprimanded 24/7!!!!! I need to stop forgetting that I want to quit this job. I WANT TO QUIT THIS JOB!!!!!! Fuck the fact that this job pays me so well, its so hard to leave because I get paid so well. I wish there was a way to make it work, but it just doesn't work!!! I want to take a pill that makes me do my job normally, the way everyone expects and asks. And then I am also happy. I also want a pill that makes me explode. (bomb pill)

I am depressed. I want to be not-depressed. I feel insane for the way that "being depressed" looks like in me. Maybe it is normal and okay actually.

11/6/2025

Update: I went to the viagra boys show and not my gf’s place. *God damnit emoji*

Now I’m out at opossum hour just like @markers last night (saw one in the neighbors yard)

——

I do not want to go to this viagra boys show.

I do want to watch my gf play last of us 2.

What should be simple is a dilemma.

Possible solution: I go to show for hour, and then go to girlfriends after. And then I also go to work tomorrow (noooooooooo.)

11/4/2025

I went to the gym and I’m also normal now.

Sometime I take step back and I’m like “life good man !”

11/2/2025

Right, right. This is all too much, skip it if you will.

I am in a lot of confusion. I love the people around and close to me. Is the pressure on? I hope not. I hate how sensitive I feel. I feel kind of lost. There is panic slowly creeping up on me. I'm gonna get abandoned, change, I'm fearing it. This probably doesn't make sense, I'm avoiding saying some things that are deemed triggering by me.

This depressive episode may shift I fear, but I'm holding it off. Most days are normal right now. Last week was its own trauma. I bare it now. It just hasn't left, it's only been one week. I'm gonna take it all slow. No one can say the right thing, I just need to be processing this with a mental health professional. Oops. it all sucks, and it'll all be okay.

Theres really good people around who make me feel normal right now. I have the best kind of friends.

10/26/2025

Didn’t get fired, but I fucking wish I did. Getting yelled at for being late to work after getting in a car accident on my way to put my childhood dog down. So so sorry I prioritized my family over my job, how dare I. And when I say yelled at, my boss literally chewed me out for it, and gave me my “final warning” even thought this is the first warning?

Sh all over my face that I did Friday on the way to work. It’s embarrassing. People are struggling to look at me. I’m struggling to look at me. I’m fine, I’ll be fine.

10/25/2025

Possibly getting fired today, I’ll update this post with what happens.

10/23/2025

My parents are putting down our dog tomorrow morning.

It kicks when you’re down, huh?

10/22/2025

Looking up: Homer Simpson moo moo sexy

——

In the depressive episode full-force now.

My coworker S quit the other day (I wasn’t fired btw). My boss reprimanded S for not ratting me and my (fired coworker) out. Apparently when we are “ranting about her(my boss)”, she(S) needs to report that back to them immediately. S has lost all patience with them, and quit yesterday. It makes me sad. It means that I no longer work directly with any trans people anymore, which was a huge appeal of this job. I think it was this that fully pushed me over into “I am very depressed” territory.

I had dinner with my folks last night, and my dad was very adamant that I should move out of stl. That there is very limited opportunities here, and limited queer spaces. That I’d find so much more elsewhere. I hear that, I get that. I just need to tie up some things here (getting on proper meds, looking into school again, etc.). Stl is just a good place to feel my way through things imo. But he’s right in the sense that I’m getting a sort of tunnel vision when it comes to this place, and I should expand my horizons.

I am gonna try to clean today.

10/18/2025

I am smoking weed constantly. This is not good. (Smoking weed IS evil.)

10/15/2025

I hate it all. Not actually.

Plot twist: possibility of me getting fired from my job???

Basically my boss is having multiple meetings with me asking if I have an issue with her (I do) and I keep telling her I just wish I had better hours. (I’m summarizing A LOT). Keep in mind that she is crazy, and fires people on a whim.

So she tells me that she doesn’t want to have any more meetings on hours, bc she believes she has made herself clear on why I cannot have more, and she doesn’t control the schedule anymore. (she has not done this, and I have proof that she is lying to me.)

I leave it be, but my coworker (E) gets a call from her yesterday, asking why he’s slandering her. (He yelled at a different manager about my mistreatment, hence the multiple meetings.)

He then digs into her, and is completely honest about how she mistreats me, doesn’t acknowledge me at work, doesn’t give me hours or opportunities to grow, and a whole lot of other shit. She was super offended, and fired him.

I have never had a coworker stand up for me like this. It’s honestly really fucking cool. I’m gonna go camping with him this afternoon, I’m trying to think of ways to show my love for him.

But aside from how cool that is, I’m worried that when I go to work on Saturday, I’m gonna get met with a shit storm. I am technically the center of why he got fired. We’re also having a whole re-launch/re-brand thing at work. So it’s gonna be busy as hell, and we’re gonna be down our best line cook. Soooooo wish me luck ??? :-?

10/11/2025

I love poetry and friends.

I am depressed probably. But I am still doing quite well, thankful for the coping skills I have and the people around me <3

10/3/2025

(I just looked for my laptop rn for a split second,,,,,, guess what I'm typing on.)

Okay, so maybe I won't quit my job (fucking typical.) I looked at other gigs, and I would be making the same amount and doing wayyyyyy more work. Roomie bro bro pointed out that I have significantly more flexibility at this gig, and it does pay well. I just don't want to be scheduled for 15 hours a week !!!! Me when I become a complanie-complainor: This Post Right Now.

Today was fun. Suggested that my roommate and their girlfriend should all sleep in my new king bed (made up of four twin-sized mattresses.) because I think that would be funny to try to navigate.

Me: coming home at 2am. Bro bro and A: Getting up at 5am for work.

I have a lover over: "Yeah so, you can stay at mine,,,,, but I do have roommates." Thats totally fine, they say. And then we walk into the bedroom and tell everyone to scoot over. And both cats are also there.

We all brush our teeth at the same time, tuck ourselves in at night, and wear matching night gowns and hats.

We are all moving and snoring and fighting for blankets at all hours of the night (appealing). Sylvie (cat) is on top of all of us somehow, and chewing our phones.

Lmk if you think this would work.

10/2/2025

Full of rage. I am stewing about, getting a particular kind of pissed off.

…also full of pizza rolls and chocolate chip cookies.

Me and @petethecat got a new kitchen table though, and that rocks.*cool smug cat emoji*

10/1/2025

Having these bouts of feeling dissatisfied with myself at large. Like my past actions and how I act in general. I'm having a lot of confusing emotions about myself, will not elaborate here. Was gonna do an edgy fleeting post, but decided against that.

I think I have a very small depressive episode coming on. Sorry for my apathy in the meantime.

My best friend J is gonna come over later, and we will probably just talk for a long time, and I think I need that more than anything right now. Bro is so cool.

Chores, chores, chores. I've done chores today, why can't that feel like enough. If I'm not doing something productive at every moment, I feel like I'm falling behind. grrrrrrrrr. I need someone to shake my head around.

Also work fucking suckssssssssssssss rn. My one coworker who got promoted as manager is acting so odd to me. I just wanna leave damnit! My boss still hasn't approved my log-in for our payroll website that lets me see how much PTO i have (why is this even a thing????) So stuck in limbo rn. I think I'm just gonna request a bunch of time off and see what gets approved.

9/30/2025

Feeling some money anxiety this morning. It's funny how I've been talking about my lack of hours at work, and how thats bad, but I'm just now making the connection that it also means lack of money haha. I'm fine, I just have a lot less to put away into saving than I'd hope to.

Everything is pretty normal otherwise. I need to schedule alone time for myself. I've been journalling physical-notebook style, I wanna have more time to myself to do that. Questioning if I should pursue therapy again. It would probably be good for me.

9/26/2025

I’m on my lunch break rn. There’s a woman screaming into a trash can, I can’t make out what she’s saying. I’m looking a little too long, but I thinks it’s just because I also wanna scream into a trash can. Everyone is actively crossing the street to avoid her.

Idk, I just wish it was more common to check in on people who are obviously not doing well.

Saw the stupids greatest movie (Terror Vision) last night with @caleb and @credence. I love arkadin, it’s the best theater to watch trashy movies. I also love the amount of friends I run into, saw T, E, and B as well. Something about community, something about feeling fulfilled.

Gonna put in my 2 weeks at living room once I try to take as much pto as possible. My boss is ignoring my request to log onto our website that lets me see my pto ???? Idk, I think she really just doesn’t fw me. Freaky high-school style drama at work.

9/24/2025

Matt up my ress. I got a new mattress. (huge) Now my bed holds 5 people.

I wrote out some silly unfinished poems. A good amount of my poetry feels "unfinished" but then I'll read em aloud, and its somewhat good enough. I dont feel like posting them though because they still fit in the "unfinished" feel. Its more so that they feel better aloud than in writing. Idk i still may post.,,,,,,, yeah ill just post lol.

9/23/2025

Didn’t get sucked up into Charlie Kirk’s sponsored rapture today. I guess not all dogs go to heaven *head looking down disappointed emoji*

(^This is a joke about the Christians who thought the rapture was happening today. I do not actually want anything to do with Mr Kirk.)

Oops.

I feel so odd. I’m so aware of what I’m doing, it feels like I’m on the outside, telling myself.

I’m addicted to things that bring me serotonin !!!!

Something about a reminder, something about a mental illness.

But fr, I have a major depressive disorder, and even though things are very good rn, and meds are working, I still have this disorder. And with that, I will continually seek out things that bring me serotonin.

So I’m trying to:

A: recognize what I’m doing

B: telling myself that it’s okay

C: being more mindful with my future actions

I’m wondering if it would be worth it to seek out therapy again, I’ve been decent without it so far. I just feel like it may be worth it for future-bigassbug. Bleh, I miss Christine.

Sorry I haven’t answered your text messages yet, I’m not on that part of iPhone rn.

9/21/2025

My head hurts and ikea doesn’t have the mattress I wanted. Grrrrrrrrr.

I am drawing so much more, it’s making me giddy. I haven’t drawn this much for fun in years :3

9/18/2025

No more date app ! Yay :3

Main takeaway: CIS MEN LEARN HOW TO ASK FOR CONSENT CHALLENGE! Level: INSANITY!!!!

How is it so hard to ask to touch someone or kiss someone???????? Actually crazy how common it is. Consent can be sexy!!!!!! Asking to touch someone not only gets you on the same page, but it opens up dialogue! And communicating is so important and also FUN !!!! Anyways…

Life cool rn. Life so so so cool rn. God, I am so happy, I feel like a fat cat taking a nap in a sun spot.

9/14/2025

Quick rant: Going on dates is making me realize how much I hate it when people buy things for me. I have had it held above me in the past. Not to be dramatic, but it’s also kinda tied up in a trauma of mine. It was just something I was shamed for.

So now I’m trying to pay for a lot of these first dates, but that is also so expensive. So I’m trying to let people buy things for me, but it’s making me internally freak out /negative. I don’t have an immediate solution, and when I try to express “hey, actually please let me pay!” It’s met with quick suppression, like we’re having a silly back n forth. Anyways… I need to try to trust people, that’s just very hard for me.

9/14/3025

Now I’m flounding at six flags fright freak fuck fest. Come here tonight, it’s second amendment and pride night all in one. Terrifying.

9/13/2025

Checking flounder in the clurb rn. I’m dancing freak-style. I am a woman and a man and drunk rn.

9/12/2025

Meds making me criminally tired. I fell asleep at 8pm yesterday. Huh? When have I ever done that.

Really gonna try to quit living room if they dont give me more hours. It’s embarrassing at this point. Something about fooling me once, something about fooling me twice,,, fooling me several times.

I feel so good, like my ego is toooooooo inflated. I need something to bring me down a couple notches. This is also embarrassing. Wait, this is embarrassing. Hmmmm.

9/11/2025

I feel like I'm forgetting something...

Gonna be hashtag-hinge-posting, so scroll if ya dont wanna read that

More dates, first two really bad. I detailed the first one on 9/5, second one didn't really look like photos (taken 3 years ago kinda vibe) and was staring at my tits a lot. Okay.

Third one was so so so amazing.

Went like: 37m move to Chicago stl slut is that a dealbreaker? no see me tonight NA MIATA pull up absolutely stunning jacked hot good mood good vibes conversation natural touch i pay me-let me see your car him-let me drive to your car lets drive to my place actually landlord lol my tenant just moved out getting picked up getting thrown around so much talking great way talking between kisses now im your baby now im your dog ,,,,(huge) eye contact cum get me water give me your all cuddle all fucking night drive me back so so so so so so sexy driving my favorite car in the entire world pda but i love it this time. Yeah 10/10 ! Will prolly see again.

More dates, lesbian sex with a cis man, okay. Date with beautiful person that is so so lonely, i feel bad.

I dont think I need to meet anyone else after these next couple of dates I scheduled, I'm good now. I'm shedding my incel-skin. No more horny posting prolly.

Started adhd meds! hell yes. I am so fucking tired and normal.

9/5/2025

First hinge date was ass, bro lied about his height which is hilarious to me. 1-2 inches off is fine, but bro was 5 inches off ! Short kings go off, but lemme know that shit ! So that threw me off, then the whole thing was awkward lol. Bro then texted me at 5 am saying this isn’t gonna work. What? Like yeah girl, I know. This crap suckssssssss. Oh well I guess. I’m worried people think I’m a woman on here, trying to masc-up.

9/3/2025

So i am sick actually. (in the flu way, not the joker way.)

Its funny how I still wanna be productive. Hyper active who now?

I'll get up and forget why, and then my whole body hurts, and then I'm like "Sit your ass down!" and the i get restless, make up a reason to get up again, and repeat.

9/2/2025

Okay well now I’m spending wayyyyy too much time on iphone.

I scheduled a couple dates, there’s really one guy I’m getting along with though, kinda just wanna talk to him oops. This stuff is confusing and hard to navigate

8/31/2025

A series of unwanted thoughts and bad decision making has led me to finally do dating app. (NOOOOOOOOO I DONT WANT TOOOOOOOOO!!!!) Its going,,,, okay. I have matched or something with several folks. Cool. What does this even mean.

But this will hopefully put my mind at rest, this whole thing (yearning) has been so distracting from my whole life. I feel like it'll either go good, okay, or I will forget to text and give up. Also admittedly, a crush of mine has put out signs that they are not seeing me that way. This is fine, I'm just trying to throw myself into moving on.

Am I funny? Am I smart? Am I attractive? I never thought I would have to prove these things via app. I know these things to be real irl, I just hate feeling kinda socially helpless? I am so confident in myself irl, but I feel like I'm worse than your boomer grandpa at internet. Hey fellas, what's your gmail?

Ugh, I have to unpack from dog-sit. Get back into the swing of things. A job interview that went well, emailed me and I haven't emailed them back in over a week due to being an idiot. What valid excuse can I give them? Genuine question, would love some answers.

8/27/2025

Dog sitting for my parents.... yeah.

It's going good though. I was dreading being out in the county all week, but it is nice out here, this was my home for so long.

Mainly the dread was focused on the inability to camp this week. I would most definitely be having an impromptu camping trip if I could right now. This weather is so nice. Missouri is actually so beautiful hahaha. Chappell was right with the "seasons in Missouri" line! That shit rocks.

Gonna attempt to re-new my license fully today. (Or at least this week.) DMV is way easier to navigate out here than it is in the city. County consist of 20 people in line, max. City is more like 45+ people, and there's only 2 people working the counter. But in that, I feel more camaraderie with the city folk, and how silly this whole process is. County folk feel so serious and put together.

God, I love blogs, I love reading everyones post, this is the most fulfilling, productive, and entertaining media on my phone-computer.

8/25/2025

Pinball club was so good tonight, I love my friends. :)

I feel so cute and confident lately ! :3

And god, this weather makes my brain work better. Shout out to low 70’s.

8/22/2025

I need to prioritize sleep more often. Also telling people: "I'm tired and I need to go home." Crazy concept! /sarcasm. I just think its better for my health.

I told my mom i'd dog sit for her for too many days. A good two and a half weeks all together. I don't actually want to do this. Can't have too much of a good thing (off days) it seems. Bright side is that I'll be very close to Queeny park again, and can do quite a bit of fishing.

Thinking a lot about queer love. I find myself wishing to present more masculine again, yet it's sadly wired in me that I won't be "good enough" at it. (Objectively not true.) I also love having long hair and looking like a pretty girl. Can't have it all. It might be boy-mode winter, we'll see.

8/21/2025

I love fishing actually oops.

(Also I'm an idiot)

I feel like I move about my life in such a self-centered way. I really needed to do that this past year, but im so chill now. I should work on this.

I'm ready for cold weather. The songs I listen to, walks in the park, cold wind on the face. JACKETS!!! I want to wear jackets and coats again. I miss the slutty outfit under my huge green leather coat look.

Speaking of slutty outfit, I have some very lovely garments i recently obtained. I want to wear them, but everything is very visible. I just need more beautiful delicate clothing that isn't also see-through.

I will miss the swimming part of summer though. Swimming in the river is unmatched. I am meant to travel down there, my proof of magic is there. Bringing people in pairs of 2 down there each time. E & S, M & E, C & E. Its nice to see the spot through fresh eyes.

8/18/2025

Hey.

Come to pinball tonight, I wanna see you there.

I am having dilemmas about how I spend my time. I will put my body through the wringer in order to do a million things. Woke up today so tired and in so much pain.

----

I love talking about flounder with people on flounder. So silly

River fun times, take me back ! I wanna live there!!!!

8/15/2025

Grocery shopped all by myself! Caught a fish, and saw a cheesy movie. Great day!

Go see more cheap movies at arkadin. It was only $5! What’s even $5 anymore???

8/14/2025

Accompanied A to get her ears pierced today. They look great on her!

Maid plans for a piercing I've been wanting to get for a long time. Piercer was surprised to hear my request, and had a lot of warnings, but ultimately willing to do it. I wanna tell you, but I also want it to be a surprise. It'll take 9 months to a year to fully heal though, oops. Gonna wait till swimming season is over.

8/13/2025

Didn’t go on the camping trip, be proud.

Just spent 30 minutes trying to find an image on tumblr from 6 years ago, that I think about still to this day. I didn’t find it. *Angry cat emoji*

Got the Best Dress Ever today at the thrift, it’s giving the “getting pregnant and becoming a trad wife” part of my genderenvy list. Gonna wear it consistently.

Had a very good job interview today ! The owner was so incredibly genuine and nice, it felt like we were just chatting. Kinda wish we were homies. He also asked what kind of prep I do, and I said “bacon” and he heard “baking” and he kept asking what I bake and I just said “bacon” over and over, and it was never resolved lol. Just realized the mistake after the fact.

Listening to the album pawwwfect! By lil hero over and over and over again. Good stuff yay!

8/12/2025

So I want to see my sister, but my friend J also wants to go camp tonight to see the meteor shower at 3am. I do wayyyyy too many things sometimes.

Me and my roommate both had to fill out questionnaires about me for my adhd diagnosis. And afterwards, when I was going over it with my doctor, she said that I put I'm "mildly impulsive" while they put that I'm "very compulsive."

I thought this was hilarious, and when I brought it @petethecat, they were like "bro you went skinny dipping with strangers dressed as clowns last weekend!" That made me lol. To me, those strangers were compulsive, and I'm relatively normal.

But now this has me questioning more of my actions, like bro hits me up 30 minutes ago saying "come camp with me tonight to see a meteor shower" and I think: "hmmmm, well I dont know the next time that'll happen, so might as well!" When I know that I have other things to do like GET GOOD SLEEP FOR ONCE !!!!!

Trying to come up with my experimental open mic performance,,,, maybe new poem drop.

8/10/2025

Hehehehehe stupidddd stupid stupidddddd. !!!

God, I cannot be angry at anything though when I’m driving around with the top down in my Miata.

Also revealing my flounder to people. So now I’m re-reading it and seeing how often I just say “my life is so great rn” lololololol bro we get it.

——-

Lack of motivation to do the things I need. I spent too much time on iPhone.

I wish reading came easy. Too bad I have to read a book in order to figure out how to read a book. (Adhd management)

8/6/2025

Hello.

Talked to my coworker about god, and it was different than any of my prior conversations about god. Then we went fishing, caught nothing. Stranger named Steve talked to us, told us he was cool with bisexuality "or whatever the kids call it now", and then said he loves sucking dick. Cool. If we were anyone else we probably would've asked him to leave, But thankfully me and my coworker recognized he was lonely and were cool with him talking to us longer than normal.

Every Saturday has been so hectic lol.

I want poems now .com!

I do a lot of things and i feel that fully now. I get so caught up in doing enough. I do enough. Now I just want a smooch!

8/1/2025

Yeah, I’m at my coworkers concert,,,, yeah.

It’s not bad! It’s just Doom Doom Doom uahhhhhhhhhhhhh dum dum dum AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHuhhhhh

And I’m just not in that mood. Also spilled an entire cup of water on the ground the second I stepped out onto the floor, then had to clean it up (embarrassing).

Cleaned my car. Everything is so fucking good in my life right now. It’s all okay. Jumping on drama right away bc I love complaining apparently!? Stop that bigassbug.

Dawned on me that my hobby is my car, and I am the kinda guy who obsesses over his Miata. Felt that fully for the first time outside looking in style. Cool :)

Crazy feelings about this venue and the shirt I’m wearing right now, cannot elaborate, but I felt very sad for a second.

Throwback to experiencing real life magic, when I took shrooms with bro for the first time, saw the northern lights in Illinois, and ate a rice crispie that @pupdog01 made.

7/28/2025

Insane weekend:

Stupid sexy dumb-guy ughhhhhhh who Spring breakers shit movie 5 million people at cbgb fake shelf in miata meet actual clowns that take me skinny dipping in mystery lake 3 am police call tree on flyer i miss work farmers market giant peach day with ex sew lace boxers funk night at tschuss really good sex work gym james.

Stop texting me im bad at it again. Bye

Is God real? hmmmmm,,,,,

6 months pinball partyyyyyyy yeah.

Just talk to me in real life, I'll be at pinball tonight.

Swim with me on Wednesday at sam a baker or a possible different spot

7/25/2025

I am better at texting again. Hello

I want to do too many things today, how do I say no to things?

I am full of want for art. I keep saying this and not acting. But when I act, oh baby, you better be ready,,,,

7/24/2025

Woahhhh flounder posting days in a row.

Creative energy is found real in 2025.

I am doing myself a disservice by not bringing my notebook to shows ! I always get inspo, and wanna right it down, but writing on iPhone feels disrespectful.

Show was good, love to see flounder humans.

Also @punkreflex Throwback to the guy running out the door multiple times, and then making it weird and not funny??? I’m like trying to joke around, and bro was not on that wavelength.

Left show and watched the second Jurassic park where the Trex goes to New York.,,,, rad.

Gonna do more art, plus cleaning. Plans got cancelled tonight, but it’s actually so chill bc now I can do stuff.

Gonna delete YouTube off of phone soon since it is now just tik tok.

7/23/2025

Went to the general doctor…. Cool.

Breaking news:

I am very average health-wise and also transgender.

Also my doctor curses, is that odd? Sometimes I think older people see me and think “I need to prove I am not a square by cursing right now.”

Gonna go to a show tonight that I made the poster for ! Ask me to do this more often @everyone. No, not the lustsickpuppy one.

7/22/2025

I am so happy with the camping trip I hosted. So so so many good things and so much good in general. A lot of people thanking me ! I’m letting myself feel the thanks, because I did put in work !

Water was so clear, jumping in the water turns on a switch in my brain. I am in love with swimming this summer. More more more of that. And I’m serious, I am going to be swimming as much as possible, so hmu for day trips to the water spots

Also it’s actually all fine and okay. Like yeah, “oh no my job!” and “oh no I’m not getting laid!”, but it’s actually fine lol. Nothing is actually bad right now. My brain has serotonin, so fuck yeah !!! I will deal with things as they come

I am allowed to be content with my life at the moment. And it feels really rich!

7/16/2025

Drove bro bro around last night in the Miata top-down style while they ate ice cream. Great time!

During this, @petethecat was like “dude you’re such a catch, I don’t understand why you’re not dating anyone!”, amongst some other nice things. (Thank you)

And I’m like yeah I don’t get it either! And I was having this thought earlier that day as well.

I just feel really good about me and my life right now. Everything is really cool and chill. And I guess I don’t know how to do dating next steps. My longest relationships were people I met at friends parties lol. Nothing wrong with that, I guess I’m just wanting to explore other ways, and I feel weirdly insecure in that department. App-love is weird/hard for me, for numerous reasons. Meeting someone out in about also feels,,,, annoying? Annoying as in I’m being annoying and I’m also annoyed. I wish phones weren’t real.

Sorry I haven’t text you back yet @james, I’m gonna do that in 30ish minutes

7/12/2025

Nudity is okay actually.

Poetry needs to happen in my life right now, I am so so sleep though.

Omfgggg I have no time to text message. Also it is so hard, just find me. Let’s take a nap together.

I gotta go gym and then instacart with bro. Need to do too much

7/9/2025

Last meeting with Christine. I cried a lot.

Also cried because I had a job interview that mainly went well, but when discussing my pronouns, I realized that it was something where respect would be earned, not a given. It sucks. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I hate that I have to choose between having money, and having respect for who I am. Crying more because Christine helped me realize that sentiment in our last meeting, and I don't get that anymore.

Feels good and odd that feeling this way isn't accompanied immediately with suicidal thoughts. Thanks counseling and Wellbutrin !

7/6/2025

Gonna be seriously looking for new job now. Know I've been lazy about it in the past, but everyone I work with seems to be on the same page about leaving. And the main reason I stay is my coworkers.

Also normalize discussing wages, wack that we dont all do that. How else are you supposed to know if youre getting screwed over?

I am consistently default happy and feeling creative, so I think I can comfortably say wellbutrin is working. Also life is just good at the moment. Need execution on task though, also time. I am seeing friends way too often, I will be taking steps back from socializing.

i need to stop buying shit off the internet, someone take my phone away.

Meanwhile, peep the sick new belt, dress, and bandannas ill be wearing...

7/3/2025

Spilled my entire smoothy on the floor, didn't know the blender had that setting.

@punkreflex makes great poetry, tap into that.

7/2/2025

Dread.

Also I'm back from camping, got camped up, fun-style.

My last therapy appointment is on 9th. I got really sad today knowing that this was the last time I was ever gonna tell Christine details about my life. I have gone to her for over 7 years, its hard to lose a person who knows you like that.

Creative endeavors, genuine motivation for such.

7/1/2025

Gonna go camping with bro later today, very exciting. I love camping dearly.

I am also hosting my own camping trip, and i might gently hound people to rsvp since only 3 have expressed interest in wanting to camp, and i rented way more spots than that lol.

Also Miata is working so far, loving that a lot. May do my own solo camping trip if some other plans don't pull through.

6/28/2025

Now im watching top 10 natural disasters caught on dashcam, quiz me later

—

Reddit before bed has me looking up Radon hotspots

6/27/2025

CAR UPDATE:

Miata may,,,,, be working again. Don’t hold your breath. Grandpa Dave picked me up from work today (kind), and helped replace this same part again (very easy).

Let it sit in idle for about 10 min, revved the engine a couple of times, and took it on a 7 minute drive. No shut offs! So next step is to take it for a longer drive and see what’s up. It’s still making various concerning sounds, I forget how loud it can be sometimes lol. Still felt so great to be behind the wheel of my own car though. It is so small!

6/24/2025

Slow day, new fantasy version of myself just dropped in my mind dome.

6/23/2025

My hot take post was worded in a way that cis folks would hopefully understand what I am saying lol. Ofc, i feel like that discussion is a lot different with a trans crowd. A walk through gender discourse within its bounds until you get to a point where the bounds are fake and always were.

Talks with my grandpa dave are always fun/funny/telling. Seeing the way he acts, and the stories he tells, play into how I am so heavy. He's telling me about riding his skateboard through the city for 4 hours when he was 11, because the bus was too expensive. Or when he had to wise-up at 12 and learn how to drive his dads car home, as his dad got way too drunk playing pool. Or how his evil ex wife has "grown up" as she is now in her 50's. His jobs as a small appliance repair man, and a painter, and his brief stint in the marines. Meanwhile we are driving around listening to some edm mix he made while he chain smokes cigarettes. I am happy he is sober and I can have a relationship with him.

His advice for my car is that i should replace the camshaft sensor again. These things are easily faulty, and the one I got was 15 dollars on amazon, meanwhile its 93 dollars at auto zone. He has a website he uses to buy parts that he's gonna look at. Hopefully this fixes it, he tested the wiring, everythings good there. Could possibly be the crankshaft or the timing belt, in which I'll just take it to a shop as I dont wanna do all-that.

----

I love being okay in my still moments, medication must be working or the trip i had on fathers day.

I spent the whole weekend cleaning everything. Every floor swept/mopped, couch cushions washed, dusting, etc. It took up all of my time, so sorry to the people I ignored this weekend, I was having a great time honestly. This home is so much more comforting now. (Also great to live with someone who doesn't get angry when I clean! Crazy concept.)

Grandpa Dave coming over to help look over my car. I hope I can figure out what's wrong.

Poetry is so cool

6/14/2025

That last post was a lie because my car still does not work. Also have no debit card nor valid ID.

I was telling my coworker this, and he said “bro, everytime you update me, another bad thing is happening to you.” That felt crazy hahaha. That makes me feel like I complain too much honestly, I’m trying to work on that.

So many vivid dreams. Some are bad, mostly weird, maybe I’ll finally dream post.

I am moving constantly, like I am not still very often. When I sit and do nothing it feels so wrong, I feel sad. I cannot allow myself to rest it seems.

Also this may be a lot, idk. :

I am holding a lot in. There have been a series of events that are making me face things I have buried very deep. It puts me out of my body, I’m looking into my eyes like a tv. There is a tension inside that I couldn’t notice until recently. It’s more so panic, a blaring alarm in my head that’s been there for over 5 years, and I’ve tuned it out over time, but now I can hear it again. This is all I’ll type about this.

I want McDonald’s.

6/9/2025

Driving something special to pinball tonight <3

6/8/2025

Ohhhh right I have a mental illness hahahahaha.

Scape my face across the concrete kind of feeling. Little pebbles imbedded in my skin watch what I do now. They report back to the ground bellow where I step that its time to embrace my feet. It tenses up in anticipation for the pain.

I want to take that impact. Harden up, tense, and embrace it.

Soft ground, it's no longer on watch duty. I can sink in, it no longer knows when to stop.

The ground and the rocks do not speak to me, I only feel their weight. I am a pocket amongst.

"Does it feel like you're dying?" I say aloud to myself. Decent underneath till I am now the one reaching up, catching the feet of those who are walking above.

"I could make money doing this" says a fucking dumbass. No, I only want to give it a break. It's fair this way. It has endured me, i deserve the rough callused shockwaves.

Splitting pain in my abdomen, is this the give? Am i cracking underneath it all?

The rocks and dirt will swell with love and drips of water spill upon me, pain growing so much stronger. I look down to my surprise, I am splitting open.

There is a beautiful green mass of stems and leaves shooting out. And I'm sobbing and sobbing and sobbing, and the rocks are sobbing and the dirt is sobbing, and the ground is sobbing, no more embrace, no feeling at all. Mutual care grows underneath.

Feet still walk above.

5/28/2025

I cleaned and I am better now. Also there is an NA, NC, and ND Miata in my neighborhood and my NB completes it. I love this.

I am in love with my bread maker, I’m gonna go out and buy a ring to propose.

—-

I am depressed-ish. Better than normal depressive episodes, but still depressive. It’s centered around my room, my room is a mess. Room mess=head mess. This space isn’t restful.

I am perpetually tired, it all feels like a lot.

Also I have a mental illness reminder hahaha.

Also binging couple to throuple rn, very entertaining.

5/20/2025

I am here flounder crew, hope to run into some of ya

Anyone in stl open to a meet up at cbgb tonight ? :3 Possibly after 8pm

—-

I am being lazy and happy, which carries more guilt than lazy and sad. I know I should be doing stuff, but I am lazyyyy.

(I'm realizing upon further thought that I am feeling lazy because I made a dr apt via phone call today, and it took everything out of me. I hung up the first time because I couldn't answer her questions, and then had to call back and pretend I didn't do that.)

Cut my hair, not crazy amount just refresh on bangs and layers. Also braids!!!! @pupdog01 and @petethecat both braided my hair yesterday, and I love it. Sparked me to keep doing that. (Also jewelry in hair.)

I love eating so much I LOVE FOOD!!

Also I am feeling restless I wanna go out since today is technically my "saturday" work schedule-wise.

5/18/2025

I love taking the bus actually. The 95 has betrayed my trust tho, and that’s the main bus I have to take to therapy tomorrow. I think I’m just gonna ask the driver if this is real before I get on.

5/17/2025

:(

---

Flounder is better on computer oops. Also connection want yet again. I am sad when I am lonely. People talk about needing "alone time" and personal days, and I agree that in order to get certain tasks done, I do need to be alone. But I do get my energy from other people. It is hard to have still moments. It's like I'm coming down from a serotonin high.

----

Bus is hard. Can’t figure out if I should trust the times quite yet.

Also yesterday, the bus app said that the 95 was coming to a place it actually wasn’t, and had to walk 25 min to a different stop only to miss that bus, causing a 45 minute trip to be an 1 hour 45 min trip. That was frustrating. The guy (8 bus driver) who told me the 95 wasn’t coming here, was super nice tho, and didn’t let me pay the bus fair. This also may be due to the tornado tho.

More soon…

5/15/2025

I like how humans make a sound when something is yummy. Like my mouth is full, but I still need to verbally affirm how good this taste.

5/14/2025

Also sorry I’m not good at flounder rn

5/13/2025

Running towards my life kinda feeling <3

5/9/2025

Very very lucky for my family. I am reminded nearly daily how lucky I am to have them.

Also doing so much self care crap. Putting oil and whatnot in my hair. Soaking my nails in some hardening growth oil salon style.

When you do extra stuff to your body it makes you feel better about yourself. This is more so mental care than it is physical care. I’m taking extra time to wash myself, and apply sunscreen, and do my hair. I love my body !!!

I feel so buff due to working physical labor, walking all over, etc.

5/8/2025

Bad at answering texts again, hmmm. I have been wanting to do pen to paper journaling again recently. I have a lot I want to write about/process. I start to write it here then end up deleting it bc it feels too intimate. I feel silly- that’s what paper is for !

5/7/2025

AHHHFHFHFJFBFJFJFBBF. I am. In thought. I am so productive. I am making little pieces of art today,,,, I’ll talk about the reasons a different time (yearn.)

Therapy was so easy because everything is great rn. I am trying to remember what I am and what I like to do recently.

I love to see people in their element and comfortable. The most true version,,,

5/5/2025

Being held would be so freaking awesome. If I am not held to some degree soon, I will k*** someone and wrap their body around me. Hahaha jk guys ! That would be freaking nuts.

Anyway…

Pinball tonight, ready for that I think. I’m gonna be sleepy. Work was intense, as my boss was making Every Pastry Ever today.

Found a “hyper pop” song that I love so so so much. Hyper pop is a silly concept to me, blah blah blah something about pop, something about being normal.

Everything is actually okay in my life right now. For like the last (really long) I’ve felt like there’s been 2+ things going wrong at all times. I took a walk yesterday, and realized stl is actually perfect. And so is my life right now. A concept a wrote about was all my friends being in a walkable loop, and I have that ! Stl is small-big city, it’s amazing. :)

5/3/2025

Update: I’m on the bus… this is working

Trying to take the bus to work… I think I’m screwing up though. Idk what I’m doing, I’m just hoping it works. I hope I don’t have to download an app for this…

5/2/2025

My car is dying, she’s no longer drivable at the moment. Thought about walking to work (1.5 hours), but that would probably be not fun after work. I need help navigating bus, I want to do it, but I need 1 person to show me how.

I had another thing to write, I forgot.

I miss my car working, but I love walk.

5/1/2025

Running out of things to wear this summer. Trying to find something that is both functional and pleasant and not showing off my entire head to toe body is impossible. I love skirts tho, will definitely be pulling all of those out.

Looking up: how to not freak out 24/7 due to heat.

Also my car keeps shutting off due to overheating, she hates this weather too.

4/30/2025

So apathetic towards most of everything. It’s because nothing is organized, I’m realizing that affects my mood heavily. Also I’m moving nonstop it feels like.

My favorite plant hates me rn. She’s looking at me like >:(. I’m sorry I’ve moved you so much girl.

I have decided I am being myself always, and being myself looks like being so swag.

I am looking forward to tomorrow (hehehehehe), god shoot me./positive

(This is so secret: Love love love love being touched on a friendship intimacy level. Sitting next to the homies and our legs are touching and we’re touching/holding/grabbing as friends. I do not trust easily, but god do I miss being physically close with friends. I am very slowly trying to trust my friends. Touch is apart of that. It makes me so happy. Love and peace to those who allow me to slowly open my heart without rush or praise, yall are so cool and real.)

4/29/2025

I am ready for everything to be out of boxes and put away.

Yes, I’m wearing the same outfit as yesterday. I don’t know where anything else is.

Also I am so so so buff. Anyone want me to carry them? I prolly could for 4 seconds.

Also I am an asshole?

Also am I ever really me ever?

Also I’m smoking (weed) every night, it wasn’t fun last night so I’m stopping that habit now. I was too nervous (via weed) at the open mic, and I got scared and left. When have I ever done that.

4/whatdayisit/2025

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am the most exhausted person Ever.

4/25/2025

Flounder posting nearly everyday, woah.

I talked to my neighbors (neighbors at old place) and it was so silly. They are all 40+, but so is all of my parents friends, so it wasn't too different. I found out that they do in fact think that our landlord is trying to sell this place for way too much. I thought that they thought I was unreasonable for thinking/expressing that. I also got to explain the situation in more detail, which was nice.

Naturally, the neighbor who invited me over (Matt) said he was curious about me, but said his questions came from a place of ignorance. I forget that my gender performance makes cis people uncomfortable at times. He asked what I was born as, and said that it had less to do with what I was physically, and more so came from a political standpoint. (What?) As in, how do I navigate legal documents and what not. Needless to say, I avoided answering that question. I just talked about the current political climate, how its scary, and how I don't plan on fleeing since missouri is my home. Also he smoked too much of my weed that I got special for my birthday.

I am so lucky to be around trans people everyday.

It is also nice to know that I look very gender-neutral, which is what I'm aiming for. But its also sad to know that I cannot girl-mode successfully without serious effort.

Bici prom is tonight. I wanna go, but I know I will be so so so so so tired. And I HAVE to be locked in tomorrow. Grrrrrrr, I wish I could do it all.

4/24/2025

More packing. I think I'm bad at this, but I also got a lot done yesterday. Friend came and helped me move things. I'm gonna possibly request another person tonight (mainly for car access), but I'm running out of people I feel comfortable requesting labor from lol.

In the awkward stage of moving as well where half of my stuff is here, and half of it is at the new place. My bed is here, so I am here.

4/23/2025

Sometimes when someone I like (or get anxious about) texts me, I open the message and my heart goes crazy. Then I turn off my phone to alleviate the feeling, and inevitably leave them on read by accident. Anyways…

—-

Andromeda by the Gorillaz is such a good song

—-

Need to lock in today. I am having to pack as much as I can today and tomorrow. I had bro come over to help (stand there and watch). We got stoned, packed two boxes, said we packed three boxes, then took a walk and smoked the rest of the joint I had. Needless to say, not starting out strong. I hope today I can make up for it, might recruit more help. (As in, someone with a bigger car than my tiny 2-seater.)

4/22/2025

The rumors are true, me and @petethecat are moving. I am excited to leave, but I too have done little packing. I need someone to come over and motivate me, someones presence alone is normally enough to get me to do chores.

Birthday was so cool yesterday. I am happy to have so many wonderful humans in my life.

I took some mushrooms and went on a walk right before my party, and it was so freaking nice. It was just the right amount for me to be just happy, nothing bad could happen.

4/21/2025

Guys I’m gonna be late oops, sorry.

——

Birthday today, now also the day the pope died, so I think that means I absorb his soul.

Didn't have much planned today honestly ! I will shower once my roommate is done, and then maybe go to the park. I have no intention to bring food to pinball tonight (sorry oops), but I may buy myself tiny chef as a treat.

Really reflected on my birthday last year, and the years prior. Jacob is the only thing consistent throughout all of celebrations. Smoked some weed next to a stream last year, gonna try to recreate something esq of that. Really hope to go camping sometime soon.

A question I ask everyone on their birthday is: What is the biggest thing you learned in the last year?

So now I will answer that question for myself:

I believe the biggest thing I learned was why it is important I keep going. And there is no words I can speak on why that is, it's more so a feeling. I've done a lot of work on what my depression looks like and how to manage it. There was a lot of pain felt earlier this year that few know about. It was so hard to manage on my last birthday, I was pretending for a lot of people. And even though I still feel that pain at times, I am able to recognize and reflect on it in ways I haven't before. I also recognize how important I am, and how I need to hold that true before anyone else can.

That's all I'll write about here, ask for more details in person if ya wish.

4/20/2025

Ultra depressive room, I’m coming out of depressive episode slowly but surely. I need to clean, but I’m unsure of how to accomplish that right now.

I’m wishing I could go into the woods for my birthday, (Eat twigs, drink beer, Fight a bear, etc.) and come out a Man.

——

(Feels like 4/19 still…)

Happy weed Easter.

I was everywhere today(yesterday). Up and down and up and down. Wrote about a concept, and it played out in real time, that was silly.

4/18/2025

I cannot think.

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Whiplash from the amount of emotional growth and distress in the last week alone.

4/16/2025

Thankful for the cemetery next to my house. Happy that I can have night walks there. Have yet to run into any grave robbers. Childhood media made me think this would be more of an issue.

My morals around self, self love, and self care are all coming to the forefront. I'm having a lot of growth I think. Re-defining selfishness for myself. What I think may be rude, is actually me just advocating for myself.

4/15/2025

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I’m unsure of it all right now.

—-

So many things on the brain rn. My default is good though ! Too many things to do, a lot of driving. Also I think my hair kinda looks good greasy, is that bad? Like bed-rotted girlfriend style.

Last night I was so mean for no reason, I think I was just in a mood. (Sorry pinball crew.) Thomas asked me what my shirt said, and I went “It says FUCK OFF!” (It didn’t say that, it said passion pit) Sorry Thomas. I was in fact joking, but I also needed to chill out. Please forgive my rudeness.

4/14/2025

@petethecat made that flyer for me ! <3

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Refreshing the ffa page to see what gets posted next. So silly already

——

Waking up so annoyed. I am so people pleaser. I'm tired too, I think I'm really tired.

Also annoyed about moving, and money. Everything Ever was right when it said things are more expensive ! It makes me sad. Idk, maybe I'm just sad rn.

4/13/2025

Staying in more. (More like doing the "normal" amount of going out.) As in, I said no to going out on a saturday night. I feel as if I don't know my own limits sometimes, so I just mirror the habits of others, or wait till someone tells me what we're doing. Trying to do more alone time. This builds character I think.

I had a very anxious moment at a social gathering, and I felt myself freaking out and literally trying to hide. It was humbling lol. Cue that one kendrick song. But its these moments that make me take a step back and realize that some people feel that 24/7. In turn, I never know how much of an arm to extend to folks I see wall-flowering. I feel very aware of people standing alone, or not talking at social events. I want everyone to be included, and having a good time. But this also feel patronizing. Idk, its on my mind.

Blah blah blah.

4/12/2025

Where’s the looking up emoji? Follow up, where’s the looking up and praying emoji?

Every time someone ask me to hangout, I tell them to come to pinball. Slamming all my social interaction into one night, good idea or no?

Also liking girls is like waking up from sleep-walking, in front of the fridge, covered in the chocolate cake you made for your friends birthday tomorrow.

God, I wanna go out but I’m so sleepyyyy. I’m wearing such a cute outfit, I can’t let it be waisted at home. The flaws of working weekends. Any other service industry flounders out there?

4/10/2025

Dude, there’s older lesbians sitting very close to me, I’m freaking the fuck out. They’re so cool. What do I even say? “Hey ladies, ya mind kicking my skull in later? What’s your email?”

—-

Just ate The Worst Burrito Ever. It consisted of everything that was about to expire. Never doing that again.

—

Gotta get a movin and a groovin today. Woke up like I'm clocking in for work, but instead I'm getting chores done baby!!!

Saw a photo of myself last night that looked so transgender it made me lol. Love that I was like "I'm so stealth rn." Bro, you look like a top 10 strangest humans video. Number 8: boy-girl.

4/9/2025

Saw a video of two cats playing, and it looked so fun. Anyone wanna do that sometime?

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Was off of flounder then did over an hour of reading flounder tonight lol. Hey.

Changed my brake pads with my sister today. When we went for our test drive, I was like "what's the sound?" The sound was my tire coming off because she forgot to screw the lug nuts back on to one of my wheels. *Flat line mouth normal-style ticked off emoji* Its so chill though, she's so good at car.

We got to talk more about our father and internet restrictions and how weird that was. She acknowledged how I had it worse, because she was always viewed as more "techy" and therefore got more leeway. Didn't know I needed to hear that. I get embarrassed by how tech-illiterate I am sometimes, but it was validating to hear it from someone put through the same situation. She did get it worse at times though. She didn't listen to music outside of what my dad played on the radio, and youtube channel intros/outros. She was around 15-16 when she started listening to music that she found on her own. She just honestly thought it wasn't allowed. I would download music, but I would have to get it approved first. (My dad listening to it out loud with me.) I would listen to music on youtube though, and just hope my dad wouldn't make something out of it.

^I might do a long-format post about this, its always been hard to process.

4/7/2025

Made a joke about how huge pinball club is getting, and citing the kamala harris "Do not come" meme. Then they shut our venue down ! (Just for tonight.) So were going to up-down instead.

Really needing everything to slow down and shut off so I can sit with myself and just think. "Thats not how the world works though !" shouted everything.

I am ok though, I'm so productive in all the right ways recently. Also realistic about my doing power. Also feeling flirty again due to my hierarchy of needs being met. Ahhhhh. God I feel pathetic sometimes lol

4/2/2025

My therapist saying for the first time ever the possibility of me seeing a different therapist (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Its chill tho, we're still meeting, I was just trying to figure out her schedule as I'm searching for jobs.

Speaking of which, stl flounders send jobs my way once again plz.

4/1/2025

I didn’t do anything silly today, fuck !

Anyway,

One of my first concerns with going on new meds was how it would affect my dreams. In the past, I would get these very vivid dreams that would really get to me. Just think nightmares and reality-questioning that got unbearable. I dream every night, and these kind of dreams happen outside of psych meds, just more frequent when I’m on them.

So, I’m getting some more vivid dreams, but in them I’m just having pretty good sex (mostly) and honestly…. I’m not complaining yet (cool guy with sunglasses emoji)

3/30/2025

So so so so much frustration with the house. So annoying as well, both in the situation and talking about it. The new girl at work asked me how it was going with the house, I don't even remember talking about it with her! It felt like a flash bang went off.

In other news, I am growing out my mustache. I will most likely cave in the coming days and shave it. It's never looked good, but I wanna live in a reality where it could be.

Water is a magic potion that heals most ailments. And it is abundant, unlike most magic potions.

3/29/2025

Feeling doomed at the moment, but it also could be that I only got 6 hours of sleep last night and then did a bunch of physical labor for 7 1/2 hours.

3/28/2025

Tell me why I watched all three “It” movies. Worst way to spend my time. I think this is a cry for help.

3/27/2025

I have actually done nothing today. I ordered a light for my car, but that was on my phone and took 5 minutes, so it feels like nothing. (I’m in the i did nothing spiral again) Gonna go for a walk.

I’ve been boymoding in private for many months now. I keep fantasizing about cutting my hair and doing default boymode. Idk what’s stopping me, I just also think I make a pretty “woman”

I also feel lonely, but what’s new. I wanna be around someone I don’t have to be on for rn.

Feeling also some sort of impending doom with my birthday coming up. Last year I had a house party, which was fun. But this year I don’t feel as if I can do the same for some reason.

^Just found out my birthday is on a Monday, so maybe I do something at pinball lol

3/26/2025

Watched the og "It" movie today. Spoilers: I liked the part where they just kicked the monster till it died. Why didn't they ever lead with that? Also why is everyone dating Beverly? Who was ever her love interest? I think she had a mouth kiss with the whole cast, including pennywise..... I made that last part up.

I have fallen into the "I have done nothing today!" spiral once again, even though I have in fact, done things.

Just deleted the paragraph I wrote about the house. Just know it's exhausting, and not my choice to be leaving.

3/25/2025

Guys I wanna flounder rn, but there’s a cat on my lap, and I don’t like flounder iPhone. This, and I’ve never known how to use punctuation properly ever. Like did that first sentence need 3 commas? I really don’t know [broken head emoji]

3/24/2025

Oops housing crap: Okay basically the owner of the place I'm staying at is a piece of shit, and he was extra shitty today. I got so angry that I screamed the loudest I have in awhile at work, and freaked out my coworker. Me and my roommate thankfully got to yell at each other (in a platonic way, we were both pissed). But I got continually more and more angry, to the point of really needing to cry. T doesn't let you cry tho, unless you're about to end it or someone died. So now I'm sad and so so so tired, but its pinball monday and I'll be damned if I don't pin some balls tonight [smug cat emoji]

^Gonna try not to talk about this at pinball tonight, otherwise I will probably yell again. Pinball can be a lot at times, this plus I'm naturally "on" for people. Its exhausting (the on part). I'm trying to tell myself I can be silent and still and sad/mad in social settings

Listening to "Setting Sun" by You'll Never Get To Heaven is keeping me sane atm. Such a calm song. Can't be pissed listening to it.

3/23/2025

Saw the band Kids perform the song "Twos" finally for a second time ! (Lol) Liked hearing it a lot the first time, and its not released online, so it felt extra special hearing it tonight. Makes ya think about a time where all music was live music, and how good it must've felt to hear your favorite song <3

3/22/2025

Almost deleted all of this by accident, oops sorry for my lack of flounder.

Been talking to people about housing crap because that's all I've seemed to update people on, so I feel the need to keep updating people on it. It does deeply effect me, but its also so annoying/exhausting/not even that big of a deal.

Heres the other stuff I've been wanting to talk about:

I started medication of depression/ADHD, also got properly diagnosed with ADHD, even though I was technically diagnosed as a child. My therapist asked what it was like to receive my ADHD diagnosis, I guess expecting that hearing it would be huge for me.

Honestly, the reminder that I have depression at all times, not just when I'm thinking about it, was bigger. (This next part may be triggering btw, skip to next paragraph) I was going through the throws of unaliving thoughts/actions so much last year, that I've been feeling currently like theres "not an issue" bc I'm not in some sort of crisis. But the lack of motivation and goals for myself is still very much the symptoms of depression. I've described this feeling (to no one really, I keep a lot of this to myself) as if a bird who's wings were once broken, but in the time it took to heal, they've since forgotten how to fly. I can't get down on myself too heavy for all of this, it makes it worse. It just hurts to feel like I could be doing so much more.

I'm officially dropping the Love Bite zine idea, as fun as it was to imagine/write out. (Zine about peoples gossip/drama.) And this might sound silly, but I started to realize that I don't want to spread my friends drama around with the possibility of them not knowing about it. Lol its obvious now, but not when I was starting this project.

I love my sister, and I think she is very cool. Its been really essential for me lately to hear from her, and also how she reacts to my parents. My dad was officially diagnosed with OCD, and me and her got to sit with that for a bit. Along with reminiscing on our early years, and how we both went about our relationship with technology very differently. She is very funny, and we joke around in a way I really can't find with others. She has also been sending me very nice text messages, and telling me my poetry is good. That feels good.

Other things possibly, talk to me and find out.

2/13/2025

Lol wishing I could be one of those flounder folks who write one sentence and then done haha

Sitting in cafe with nose practically touching the screen reading flounder posts. Snapped out of it eventually and realized how close i am to computer. Normal distance now.

Last saturday was peak crazy (unexpected trigger). Part of it is feeling like I can't talk about it. Was hoping to alleviate this feeling through therapy. Therapy was cancelled. Theres a solution somewhere. Outside of this craziness, (which feels like a haze that creeps in if I sit long enough) Things are relatively normal.

Also outside of this craziness is a kind of emptiness ?? Like so small but there. Its both a want for intimacy, and a creative endeavor. I told a guy I had a crush on him (embarrassing) and he felt the same way, but had got back with his ex a couple days prior. The whole thing makes me feel like I should give up "meet guy at bar to out n about" and do the apps. I hate this idea, as I don't want to be perceived without actually being there. As for the creative task, the idea of leather work seems intriguing. Its mainly intriguing because the leather items I want cost SO MUCH.

2/7/2025

hello computer. This is Mr. Ass.

I just finished my resume !!! Impossible task. Not-so impossible when money motivator.

I performed on That day (,,,the 4th) It went well, would do again.

Feeling pretty lately ! Also feeling the need for connection damn near always. I feel like I could meet people (men/masc in particular) out in about, but its hard! I had a day dream where i meet a guy at a bar and he's the only other person there, and he also doesn't go on iphone. then we talk for so long and it goes good and happy ending, more so no ending at all. ......Anyways

1/27/2025

The feeling of needing to express gender in a different way gets alleviated when I dress like a freak. More freaks need to run around stl. I also feel like my gender identity isn't changing per say, more so my want for a different expression. Was starting to mix those 2 up.

I'm at maypop (cafe) in their quite section, and there's only One other person in here. I feel the need to talk to him, but i can't, i need to be quite.

1/25/2025

Whats funnier than 24? 25. isn't that what sponge bob said?

Wanting to sit down today and get some poems fledged out. I'm performing on the 4th. They spelled my name wrong on the flyer lol. Its ok. I ranted about my name to my friend last night. People want to call me literally anything but bigassbug. And I get it, saying that name takes mental gumption. But I also think you're a coward if you don't say the full thing.

In other news I'm having a lot of Big feelings lately. I'm feeling a lot more insecure. This is funny because in my last mushroom trip (a month ago) I feel like I really squashed that feeling. But gender has me feeling soooo many kinds of ways. Its always confusing, its always been confusing. Permanent/semi permanent changes and confusion don't mix.

I talked about some incredibly exhausting things last night. It was already late, its the end of the night, I'm about to go inside and sleep. But before I can, my friend who's sitting the car with me, asked me how I was feeling about my ex. (We broke up around a month and a half ago.) To put it lightly I have a lot of feelings around my ex. They've evolved since we broke it off.

I cried a bit, which hasn't happened in awhile. I'm overwhelmed and sad. My friend kinda gets himself stuck in the middle of all of this, since he's good friends with both me and my ex. I keep trying to remind him that he doesn't have to play mediator. He wants us to talk, since he thinks that we're on different pages. I don't know. I've been ignoring any and all urges I have to reach out to ex. I feel like it'll make it worse. Sad face, this sucks.

1/24/2025

So uhhhh haha. Uhhh. Yeah, Uhhhh.

Bro, I got asked to perform (read poetry) at an event, which is the first time that's happened (exciting). But it also makes me so nervous. At open mics I feel like the pressure gets turned down. But being part of the act makes me feel like I should know my shit a bit more. I think it is So Cool when someone memorizes their poetry, as it feels like they can focus more on the delivery. I want this.

Side note: At work the other day, I was telling a coworker that poetry is probably the dorkiest (dorkiest is a word...) thing that I do. He the corrected me saying that my love for miatas is a lot dorkier (dorkier also has word status.) I love my car too much, i used to hate car people pre miata. I just got her outta the garage, I was stuck on the ice outside of the garage for 15+ minutes before a neighbor came to help. I knew this would happen, as 2500lb rwd car + ice don't mix. I had to cancel so many plans these past couple weeks bc car stuck. I really don't hate the snow/cold tho, this is my preferred weather. If it was up to me, the hottest summer would be is 60ish, with maybe 4-5 days where it would be above that. The heat makes me feel like I'm gonna freak out, I become so whiney and intolerable. This, plus I love to layer my clothing.... Gender Dysphoria oops.

I'm gonna write more l8r, so much to talk about...

1/12/2025

yeah yeah right right.

1/11/2025

I ask people what trash media they consume in order to figure out how online they are, and also how open about it they are. Some sort of intimacy. I have some online guilty pleasures, and I think I hope to find someone who shares the same or equally weird interest.

god god god god. I hate it all. Not actually, I don't actually hate it all.

1/10/2025

I like the lumps of disturbed snow covered in a blanket of new snow.

I have been doing mostly nothing but eating and napping, or at least it feels that way. I need a new job, send job openings my way please. I have not left my house unless someone comes and gets me. My car isn't built for this or more so my trust isn't built for this. I wanna hurry up and make this home lived in. I'm slightly uncomfortable by it not being lived in. I want it to have more.

I had. such a bad dream last night. (They call those nightmares oops.) I will get reminded of it, and start to panic. I have to keep showing myself that is wasn't real. Like re-walking through it.

I watched bones and all again, i like that movie. grrrrr. bones grrrr.

1/9/2025

(This turned into a long long blurb, ugh sorry .....maybe? Im trying to decide if my head acknowledges that people see this or not.)

HELP IM TRAPPED INSIDE A COMPUTER!!!!!!!!

hahaha jk jk, i am actually in real life !

Cannot decide how I would like to use this page, don't hold me to anything quite yet please.

I showed my roommate Ami the joys of flounder (hi ami!), and it was inspiring me to make shit just talking about it. I need to be making more art (always saying this shit!) I was grocery shopping today with Ami, and thinking of various things to post. * Grocery shopping is not fun for me. The whole process is overwhelming in a bad way. I give up a lot when i grocery shop. Ami helps this process. Sometimes I push the cart and say a funny quip or two, it feels helpful. I bought mascarpone as a nice treat for myself.

I have been heavy thinking about the bounds of my sexuality. Theres this push to not be bound by labels surrounding queerness. Like this need to feel like you don't owe anyone an explanation, which I get. Trying to fit feelings and emotions and nuance into a single word is hard, especially when translating that amongst multiple humans. I also have this want to have some sort of label that accurately describes what I want (also to know what I want!)

I was trying to talk about sexuality bs in therapy yesterday, but ofc we spent the first half of our session talking about shit that didn't really matter lol. So I'm full of this nervous energy surrounding it. This whole thing makes me want to get hit in the side of the head really hard.

sad face, I don't wanna type about this any more

* side note i only type with my index fingers and my thumbs for the space bar, typing with all fingers is something i should've spent more time learning. *