12.11 i make sure to survey many people before i just do whatever liz thinks i should do

12.11 i guess i *would* feel this way. but when i had familial sway it felt like we were so up. like we all went to southern california for my sister & i to run a half marathon together. then my sister & i went to death valley & the eastern sierra. one thing about me is if i'm in CA i want to go to the eastern sierra lol. she told me that trip / seeing that part of CA made her not want to [REDACTED]. the following winter, my sister, cousin, & i all went to miami (and liz lol). :/ like this is what we could be doing but instead we must be war torn :////////////////////////// 

i feel like i forgot to feel sad about my family but now i'm remembering. if i had to describe PMS in a positive way i would say that. it makes obvious any sort of sadness i'm shoving down. in that way it does feel like it serves an emotional function. i actually love my chemically induced week of insanity and i wouldn't trade it for anything';;;

on my gyn notes they said my appearance was "well-nourished" 

12.10 At a new gynecologist. Crazy how you always gotta prove you’re not pregnant. At my old gyno they had a special two-way shelf in the bathroom where you put your pee on the shelf and then they just took it when you left through the other door. I liked my old gyno because once she drew me a picture of a vagina. I was like. I know what a vagina looks like. I was looking at her notes from that appt this morning, she wrote: “reassured patient normal finding, reassurance provided.” Anyway at this gynecologist you have to put your pee on an open shelf in the middle of the hallway that everyone has to walk by???

does anyone know what i used to write on here? serious question. i wish i kept more of my old posts up - maybe this is a good year end project. when i delete my posts i usually copy them into my email drafts (?) so i can still have them. need to move out of the email draft management system .....

anyway. it's sad to lose summer (swimming, ice cream, green) but i like the initial descent into winter. when the world says to stay home i'm like. #heard. it's nice to break from running and traveling and go back to reading and cooking, two things i didn't do much of this summer.  there are a bunch of little loose ends i want to tie before the new year, like finishing books and pasting all my junk into my journal full of junk etc etc etc.

the other day i was in the backyard with margot kind of stoned looking at the moon thinking about the seasons. it's nice to live in the seasonal world. seasons have to be one of the most shining features of this mortal coil.