10.1 okay i actually have had some notable dreams. but i'm coming here to write about my dream last night. real - last week liz lent me $100. in my dream last night, @bugleague was asking me to lend them $100. we were together irl. i was like okay. then i woke up and remembered i owed liz $100. i was like wow my dream is teaching me how liz felt ... being the lender of one hundred dollars ...

then i had a dream that i made out with charlotte from sex and the city. that one was silly. do a silly one!

in the past ~2 weeks or so i had one (1) nice memorable dream where i was walking in a cold snowy scene with someone else. idk who they were. this dream was not in my POV, i was seeing it from above. it was cold but the other figure and i were both holding warm things wrapped in tinfoil. when i woke up this dream reminded me of the five of pentacles card. but nicer, because of the warm thing in my hands.

i've also had two (2) dreams about my ex recently. one was silly, i was standing in a group of women and we saw him and one of the women i was standing with threw her shoe at him. i was like yessss this is awesome!!! and woke up thinking about when someone threw a shoe at george bush. actually thinking about george bush was the thing that sort of made the dream go away. is this a dream or am i just sleepy thinking about george bush. a few days later, i had a dream in a style that is familiar to me, where i'm having a Real True Discussion with the other person. it's just taking place in the dream realm. those ones are weird.

8.18 bad nightmare last night. i woke up and thought: i should write it down, but then i thought, no. it was too bad. and now i don't remember.

on vacation last week, i dreamt my mom was visiting NYC for work (this had happened for real the week prior). she was trying to meet up with me. i was at the NYPL in midtown. maybe i was returning the anne carson book i've had checked out for 3 years.

when i came home from vacation, i had a baby dream. i remember no details but having a baby. when i woke up i was like. babydreambabydreambabydream.

7.30 the past several months i have really not had a reportable dream. i don't know why. basically i'll wake up with like one image in my mind if anything. here are some of the memorable dreamy images:

- bag of frozen dark cherries

- boob coming out of green swimsuit in ocean (then this happened to me at the beach and i was like wow i am having premonitions lol) (but also super common experience)

- eating a lotus root at cha-ya vegetarian, existence of alex implied but image was just lotus root in soup

- swimming in the ocean and florence and the machine is playing??

but last night i finally had a regular style freaky dream that i am glad to report. did i dream because liz was sleeping next to me?? who's to say. okay so the dream was basically i was in a multi-roomed building (i guess most buildings have multiple rooms) it was sort of cubicle office-y vides. there was an art show going on there and people were supposed to display art pieces that were reflective of their experience of desire or something. i don't know how i knew this in the dream but i did. it's sex art okay guys. anyway i was walking around the various displays and this guy had a display that was centered around different containers?? most of them were deli containers but some of them were like cut up and destroyed ....... he manipulated them. is what i'm saying. and then he left and the show was over but i was still there and this woman was like okay now you have to make your piece. and i was like okay i basically just want to rearrange this guy's container work, he sort of hit the nail on the head here. he was gone and i started fucking with his containers and rearranging them and then he was coming back and i was like oh nooo---end dream. lmk what you guys think that means. i'm glad i said it all out loud to liz immediately upon waking. otherwise i probably would not remember. then she was like ... i had a dream sort of like that .... but it was not really similar at all. hers involved commerce. 

5.27 last night i dreamt i was in the BA test kitchen. molly baz was there and so were a ton of other people. there was a really cute baby with curly hair sitting on a counter and no one was paying attention to it so i chilled with the baby. it's honestly weird to me how much i dream about babies. 

5.25 dreamt my friends that are in europe irl were flying home but into philadelphia rather than nyc which concerned me

5.24 dreamt i had a four year old son and i was concerned he couldn't swim (i watched tiktoks about a mom who lost her child through drowning before i went to bed irl). i signed the kid up for swim classes and then i went to observe at the end of his class and he was actually doing synchronized swimming with a bunch of elderly men. i was like damn i guess i signed him up for the wrong class but it seems like he can swim. this dream was funny

5.20 dreamt i was on a cruise with a bunch of people i vaguely know. i was walking alone and someone came up to me and was like i'm telling you this because i'm your friend and i want to hold you accountable but you're picking at your skin and it's really noticeable.  felt bad. then, i was in a big food hall type place and people from my high school were there. i was sitting at a table with a bunch of people and chelsea fagan was also there lmaoo she was sitting kind of near me (she is a writer and runs a company abt how to manage your finances lol).  i was feeling food-negative, like the food was yucky and the table i was at was very crowded. i was like ughh i'm gna starve because of that weird thing that got swapped in my psychosexual development that makes me feel like eating with people is like more intimate than having sex with them. one girl from my high school was drunk and being sort of loud and silly and i was like okay at least someone is absorbing some attention. then all of the sudden there was this huge thing of ice cream on our table and i was like okayyy something about me is i can comfortably eat ice cream at any time.  i was eating ice cream (it was smores which i'm not really into and i was like is this vegetarian.... but i was starving so i ate it) and then chelsea fagan was like i love this ice cream and then we started talking about the salt and straw that opened in nyc and i was like omg things are turning around lol.

analysis: this feels connected to me talking to alex about salt and straw / eating ice cream every day right before bed (ICED = ice cream every day).

sunday night i had a vivid dream that i forgot upon waking but i think it was another dream where i'm in a situation with a scary amount of rats

5.18 dreamt i was in 10k of credit card debt!!

5.7 dreamt i was staying in a hotel in williamsburg for some reason. it was night and i was like omg i'm near martha's country bakery ... there's cake there... and i started walking there 

4.22 dreamt some woman (me? someone else? idk) was on her hands and knees cleaning the floor. idk where she / i was. this is the only image that survived

4.? at some point in the last few days i had a dream where someone was being lightly critical of the linework on my tattoo.

4.15 last night i had a sort of body horror dream where i was watching a boy in a dentist chair get some of his face sanded off with some loud tool. more happened but cannot be recorded

on the night of 4/11, i had a dream that put me in a bad mood for like all of the following day. hard to record because the dream involves like 10 secrets ... just know it was weird and fucked up. okay but the dream was structurally interesting, it was from my POV and i was watching a play. i guess this is my second dream about a play in the past month or so, now that i'm thinking about it. doesn't that have an interesting meta quality. i'm experiencing my dreamlife as a witness. frame narrative. except when i had that shrek dream, then i was the star. lol.

4.8 dreamt my friend was handing me my bra. that's the whole dream

4.3 is recording my dreams changing them? i am wondering this. i wanted to have more silly dreams and i feel like my subconscious is delivering. dreamt last night i was on an mta bus in my big fluffy bathrobe. people were staring at me and i was like omg they say you're supposed to be able to do anything in this city but apparently this is a bridge too far..... i felt weirdly not embarrassed. 

4.1 bald eagle dream....... i was watching an eagle fly around .... pointing it out to someone but i don't know who, i was basically looking at the sky the whole time. i feel like in one memory of this dream i was in my childhood backyard and in another i was by the clark fork in missoula (where i once did see a bald eagle). did they both happen? idk. this dream was from my perspective. bird dream. i bet that's googleable. 

3.29 Dreamt I was cast as a lead in a play…… the play was shrek. This wasn’t spoken but there was a shrek on the stage. I was like I don’t know if I have time to be in this shrek play I usually just get cast as ensemble ….

3.28 someone in my family (my sister or my cousin?) had a baby but something happened so i had to take care of the baby. but the baby and i loved each other so it was fine. the dream was mostly me taking care of the baby.

dreamt my sister crashed these plans i have with my cousin tomorrow (real). i bowed out of the plans as a result of her crashing

omg and then this was the worst dream. see writing these makes me remember them... dreamt somehow a rat got into my childhood bedroom, where i was staying. then i left the rat in there to go figure out how to deal with it. then when i came back there were tons of rats, they had bred or something, and i was like how am i going to get these thousands of rats out of the room. then my parents said to call the exterminator and i thought of all those rats dying and felt so guilty.

3.24 i'm looking at ex's linkedin and it said he moved to denver, colorado, and i'm so happy.

my second dream was weirder. i'm pregnant and 37, and i'm concerned because this is my first baby and i want multiple but i'm worried i'm too old. action-wise i'm just standing there being pregnant, but there's this internal monologue running through the dream, worrying about age or having an only child or giving birth to a boy. then in the next scene i'm sitting with the newborn baby, who is so small and looks like me as a baby, so much that i wonder, maybe i'm reading this dream incorrectly, maybe i'm the newborn baby? this is a third-person dream. anyway, i don't know, i go back to assuming i'm me. i'm glad i had a girl but i feel bad for condemning her to firstborn eldesthood. looking at the baby, i feel like i put a curse on her. i have some thought like - if i feel like i cursed this baby, should there be more...?

then i'm pregnant again, holding the first baby. then i'm pregnant a third time, and two toddlers are pulling at my dress. i think, oh wow, i guess i got everything i wanted? (multiple children, girl)...but the emotions feel very murky.

3.18 grocery store has been having a sale on cara cara oranges so i've been getting four a week (real & delightful). dreamt i was in my kitchen looking at my oranges and they were navel oranges and not cara cara. per the sticker. end dream. 

3.13 dreamt my sister planned a trip to hawaii with my cousin and didn't invite me and i was soooo sad and upset

On my run I remembered more of this dream. My upset about the trip became a way to talk about the whole ~1.5 year frost my sister and I have been having (real). The second half of the dream was me very lucidly expressing my feelings about a bunch of things, like our war and her engagement. The dream was the sort where I was watching myself, not seeing from my POV. I looked very upset. I feel like my dreams often have such an obvious quality to them. Anyway this leads me to believe that Lauren and I were convening in the spiritual realm #eclipse

2.20 i had a dream last night that was basically me considering trying to get stronger so it was easier to carry my bag of laundry down the block. i'm doing laundry this morning.

last week, i had a very memorable dream where i was in my old kitchen with my ex and we were making a bunch of bean and cheese burritos to put in the freezer for me to eat while marathon training. i did not like this one </3

1.20 dreamt i was brushing my teeth and my gums started bleeding. woke up and was out of floss 

1.19 someone came today to meet olive my foster cat :( (real) (even though she just developed this really cute habit of sleeping right in my spot after i wake up). last night, i dreamt she was sitting under the bed and I was giving her a list of things to do to make sure they didn't like her and didn't want to adopt her.

1.16.25 dreamt i was with my sister and pulling up her birth chart. i was telling her that we have very similar charts. we do, we have the same big three and too much 8th house action. it was a really quick dream, better than my other dreams this week, which were dreams about me getting a text message. i don't want to have a phone-centric dream. monday and tuesday my dreams were literally: i look at my phone and there is a message. and the person sending it to me isn't even novel or interesting. 

12.22 dreamt I had a baby but it was sort of talkative and sarcastic and it implied I was a slut while I was trying to breastfeed it

Dreamt my cousin, sister, and friends all went through my messages at a party which I walked in on them doing and then I had to pretend like that wasn’t horrible for the rest of the party. Spoke to my sister and I was like at least you can see I only ever say super nice things about you. She didn’t really care

11.12 dreamt i stuck at a huge party in the middle of nowhere and everyone there - my friends and family - hated me

11.11 this is real - my neighbor gave me a frozen whole chicken? i'm a vegetarian, he gave it to me for my dog. anyway i don't like it, i've never cooked a whole bird and it seems like a big task to cook and get the meat off of it. it's in my freezer and sunday night i dreamt i put it in my fridge to defrost and it oozed its chicken juices allll over my fridge, and i was like everything is covered in salmonella. the chicken looked gross and naked but also too much like a thing that used to be alive. woke up and i was like i need to get this thing out of my house, i feel like i have a dead body in the fridge lol.

10.10 dreamt i drank alcohol. circumstances are fuzzy, i was at a bar or something. alex was there. it wasn't even good alcohol (dirty martini), it was like two beers or something. was instantly mad at myself. 

9.29 Dreamt my big toe nail was falling off. I have not encountered toe nail problems in running. My brain basically spun a big “what could go wrong with marathon” wheel and fed me a random stress dream. I WILL NOT BE DISMAYED

9.16 i have had this dream several times. i'm at a restaurant with all of my friends feeling so happy and excited, and then i'm like, wow, it's so crazy that all of my friends are here, for what occasion have all of my friends gathered? and then there is a sort of hush and it becomes obvious that something else is going on, and then i realize that everyone has gathered because someone is about to propose to me and i want to say no and i'm offended that this is happening at all but then i'm like oh maybe it's nice and all my friends are here so i have to say yes and i start getting really scared but i feel sort of resigned about saying yes and i'm trying to be positive and then the dream ends 

9.10 for many reasons, i cannot publicly record my dreams

8.19 dreamt last night that i was reading pamela. LIZ had a dream that they added an additional race to the 9+1 and i was no longer qualified for the nyc marathon lol lol

8.16 dreamt last night that i went to the grocery store & they didn't have diamond crystal kosher salt but they did have mortons and then i was like: but then i'd really have to think before i salted my food because i'm so used to diamond crystal kosher & morton's is saltier....then i woke up

??? dreamt i compared alex to pol pot and he got mad at me. had to confirm irl that this didn't actually happen