12/13/25

my life has approached a major crossroads. i am afraid i cannot be as candid and open as i usually am about it but i have been reaching out individually so you may already know. regardless i am doing okay. thank you to everyone who enjoyed my poetry yesterday, i thoroughly enjoyed all of yours! maybe my niche is horny poetry. i also enjoyed all the conversations i had. i am now in possession of the inauspicious postcard and so far it seems like einstein has identified no malevolence in it. it’s definitely an uncanny item though.

12/11/25

i can listen to music again! it’s so wonderful. i really like dust bowl by ethel cain. a friend i met at a race track made a playlist of songs that are similar vibe to the song strain by greet death and while so far none of the songs are exactly what i want, they are still very, very good. also been listening to the album die in love by greet death almost twice a day and i maybe need to chill on that. upbeat but sad, kind of rocks my world to have heard them live before hearing them recorded and then going “omg i recognize that! :D”. yesterday i got to go on a little side quest because ami’s car was misbehaving after work and would not start and i wanted to see if i could do anything or if they would need a tow. thankfully the car started after only a couple more tries after i arrived. maybe my presence was the magic touch. then i followed them home to make sure their car would be fine and also because i love them hehe. soooo cute and fun to wave back and forth at each other when we were stopped <3. in the end all was well. afterward i watched some of the first season of dimension 20 fantasy high and mostly rotted all evening other than finally shaving my legs to protect me from pants that are bad sensory. i like the d20 crew because they are funny and witty without belaboring the bit, and brennan lee mulligan is very clever and an excellent writer. i guess i enjoy that they are a little more serious, as well as not setting off my hearing sensory issues. i’ve been ruminating a lot on the things that have happened this week that have made me feel good, rolling through them over and over to remember them as best i can. i need to remind myself that i will literally experience more things, and that i’m gonna get tired of reading back through the journal entries i’ve written about them as well as text conversations that i’ve enjoyed. at the same time, that has sort of been my muse. i’ve been writing some poetry that focuses a lot around the types of love i have felt lately. i’ve concocted a sort of trilogy. i plan to read them at friday poetry night! one might be a little saucy. it has been silly and exciting to notice that i’ve literally started carrying myself differently.

12/9/25

pinball yesterday was literally sooo awesome. spoke to so many people and felt very pretty while doing it in my insulated pants. showed people a picture of my new dress with an open back! groundbreaking for me. since sunday i feel like i have a new zest for life, a pep in my step. it’s like the things that have made me happy now make me happier than they used to. i suppose that comes from finally living my life how i’ve really always wanted to. i think duloxetine is here to stay. yes i feel marginally anxious in general and there is probably a secondary medication i can take to assist that but the fact is that i feel safer to engage in little risks than i ever have before. i don’t think me from a month or two ago would have asked to make out with someone who is not far beyond being an acquaintance, even if the “rapport” i always say i would like is already there. ami has also been genuinely interested to hear about my little adventures when they do happen which is so affirming and lovely and i am so grateful for them. it’s like gossiping with my bestie!!! i hope i can continue to help them feel safe through this. after pinball i invited them to stay over and we were spaghetti together for warmth. what’s up with making my bed. why did it get colder under the same blankets. fucked up. i love to wake up next to them when we both have to work. getting ready while they do too is sooo cutesy and domestic and i’m beyond excited to share a home with them and bab for whom i will do my best to be quiet in the mornings. it feels really, truly good to know someone whom i trust so much. love u :). as i was pulling up to work i saw a swarm of bats again, roiling and undulating as they all flew together like a long, living coil. fucking sick as hell. my skin is sooo dry but i would not trade the cold for anything.

12/7/25 part 2

that was hot. :)

12/7/25 fine i’ll put dates on things

yesterday was quite a day. the shooting. my mom told me that she has my back within the family if my transness becomes a big deal which is very reassuring regarding my near future (though she still has not really accepted it in her heart that she has a daughter). i went to a concert and saw Lobby Boxer (they made people square dance) and Greet Death (were brilliant despite the pageant mixing the distortion really poorly. honestly my favs rn) and then left with a nice new t-shirt i’ll wear to pinball tomorrow (apparently Foxing are now on hiatus; my condolences to those to whom it matters). lots of things happened and i had food poisoning through it all. my meals consisted of an electrolyte drink, a handful of chocolate chips, and a single slice of sourdough toast. honestly? best i’ve felt mentally in a long time. was fighting an infection so this was only achievable because of that; would have been unbearable otherwise and i do love eating. i am at least now mostly recovered. today i started off with two pieces of toast with peanut butter, and some nice mint tea, and had quite a nice morning waking up next to my lover. then i cooked some turkey chili and baked another muffin loaf. lots of dishes to do. also gonna see a person i’ve been acquainted with for a while who i am now trying to be better friends with in a bit. feeling the possibility of a certain vibe… maybe we’ll kiss? we have very similar interests and i enjoy talking to her. my lover pointed out that i have a type and it’s people who are annoying in an endearing way (this woman likes shitheads. how embarrassing for her /j). i love to lightheartedly bother and be bothered, it is one of my favorite forms of love in all arenas. i love to barge into a roommate’s room while they’re lounging and kind of disturb their possessions and be a nuisance. it’s because i like them.

12/6/25

almost don’t know if i feel good writing about this… someone got shot outside my apartment today. like the gunman was right in front and it was a guy who i think lives across the street from me. i didn’t see it happen but i heard the shots and went to the window to check, i heard the guy say something like “why did you shoot me?” and keep walking around until neighbors made him lay down, i saw the bullet casings, i saw a smartphone with a hole through it. i saw the blood on his pants. i called ems, i saw them load him onto a stretcher, thankfully still alive. maybe the phone saved him from a worse injury. just fucks me up how senseless it seemed. i didn’t even hear an altercation beforehand.

should i do a sex journal

whenever it snows it always feels like it is the last time i will ever see snow. i guess it’s something about not having seen too much snow when i was younger having grown up in texas. spiritually i feel like it’s a demarcation of some kind of ending, or new beginning. certainly appropriate for the experience of life that i am currently having. mythologies where the world’s end is a frozen hellscape. i do prefer winter. the cold helps my body regulate my sensory and such, especially when i am nice and bundled up and i can trudge and crunch around in my boots. i got an impulse to fall face first into the snow and i followed it, and my left cheek was so cold afterward but my lover was there to sweep off the snow stuck to me and give me a nice, warm kiss. wintry walk in the snow as flurries blow past the street lamps. i think i am a bit insane when it comes to snow driving. not as in i drive dangerously, i go as slow as anyone else. but i get a little thrill when i’m turning the wheel while going over a pile of snow and i feel the car under me turn more than i mean it to and it makes me cackle with delight. in those moments i get to be a rally driver. i’ve been stomping on the brakes to make the ABS go off while nobody else is around to feel a similar thrill. trust me when i say i was being completely safe about it. i hate that i have to be at work, i would be so bundled up with my cat and i would be reading or practicing guitar and sipping peppermint tea. how delightful it is to be weird lately.

this inertia is piling up and i want to do something with it and nothing appeals (ariel go get good at lead guitar you’ll be sooooo cool). story based video game era. saw an old friend of lover today (also my friend!) and met someone in person who has gamed with us in the past. strongly positive experience. what a contrast to just a week or so ago. i used to feel like i could do one thing and i would be spent. i still sort of feel that way now but i am somewhat insulated from the consequences. wary of shoving too much current down the same narrow wires when really all that has happened is the alarm bells are delayed… asking everyone i can to hang out. i feel like any moment i spend alone with my thoughts… is fine, but i get bored so, so quickly, and it is frustrating to feel compelled toward so much stimulus. boredom quickly becomes anxiety. i could have gone to a rave tonight, but the wet and snow deterred me. i wish i was more readily capable of passive relaxation. i can’t sit still, i’m so jittery. at least i get sleepy again, had a dream again for the first time a couple days ago. @pupdog01 thanks for helping me get this random ten year old kid his pizza in a neighborhood filled with derelict buildings under a shit-ton of highway overpasses. was good to see you again (heh). can you tell i’ve played too much cyberpunk? the star tarot card.